My biggest prank of all, and you may remember this one, was back when I was still engaged to Bristol in 2008. Mrs. Palin had been picked to be the VP lady or whatever and she was yelling at people about terrorists and whatever the fuck and people were saying she didn't know shit. So I figured the way to get a laugh out of it all was to call in and pretend to be a foreign dignitary and to convince her we were negotiating or whatever. They asked me not to run the full transcript back then but I figure what the fuck, who gives a shit now?
<Mrs. Palin> Hello?
<Assistant> Please hold for President Braveheart.
<Mrs. Palin> It's not him yet.
<Braveheart> Governor Palin. Mrs. Palin. This is President Braveheart of Scotland.
<Mrs. Palin> Oh, yes, hello, it is so good to hear from an ally of America, and also how are you today?
<Braveheart> Aye, well met! I am hale and hearty. I am fighting for freedom.
<Mrs. Palin> Freedom has to spread its wings and grow for democracy to prosper in the world.
<Braveheart> Aye, how is the election going for you? I was very excited to hear there might be a woman president.
<Mrs. Palin> Well not yet, just a Vice President, but thank you so much, and god willing maybe president too and...
<Braveheart> Aye, we hope for peace, but I fear Longshanks will deny it to my people.
<Mrs. Palin> Oh no. Well sometimes the best defense is a good offense.
<Braveheart> Aye, it swells my tits to hear your speak so. Hamish said the same just the other day.
<Mrs. Palin> Here in America we also struggle for freedom and freedom is under attack by regulations and political correctness and the lamestream media and so for business to prosper and also to grow the atmosphere of free-thinking people against tyrrany.
<Braveheart> Aye, the lamestream media. They have taken my land and taken my wife, but there is one thing they can never take.
<Mrs. Palin> Our guns.
Anyway, that's just the tip of the telephone. I have thousands of hours of these. Me and Bodie and Tucker used to just sit up all night and get high on crushed up fertilizer tablets and eye medicine that we put on contact lenses and we'd call every place we could think of, usually until the cops broke into our line and warned us to stop.
I hope you enjoyed them or not or whatever.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
Levi "HOckey" Johnston is a pro writer now and hockey expert since forever. He comments regularly on family life, politics, Alaska, hockey, vag, babies, babes, 4x4s, hunting, and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, and he was engaged to Bristol Palin and had one (two) kids with her, so...I can put anything here? He also fights like a devil and pounds poon like a demon. He's pretty much unbelievable. His life is a raw adventure to the root.