Get your ass back to earth.
Hollywood teaches: Mars is an inhospitable place with varying degrees of terraforming that might cause you to get eaten by bugs or killed by an army of gothic berserkers. There is a giant alien air conditioner that will restore the atmosphere of Mars at the push of a button. Mars is also haunted by ancient evil.
The reality: Mars is another incredibly boring planet in our solar system that mankind is determined to visit to swell our egos. If we succeed we can set up a base there so that 50 years later we can land a man on some other boring planet even farther away from earth. Not a single probe has found any indication of goths, although Mars may be haunted by ice and fossilized bacteria.
He Who Glowers Behind the Rows.
Hollywood teaches: Cornfields are nightmarish Escher-mazes in which invisible aliens and demonic spirits take their revenge on unsuspecting humans. Favorite gathering place for cults and drunken revelers about to be murdered.
The reality: They grow corn. Meticulous rows make getting lost nearly impossible. Very few pumpkin-headed demons present.
Colonial life is the pits.
Hollywood teaches: Once humanity has started its spread into space no one ever bothers to set up a border defense force. Alien invasions and cannibal mutants blow right through customs without stopping and inevitably wipe out the first human speed bump they run across on their way to earth. This is based on the early history of American expansion, when pioneer villages were frequently wiped out by millions of Indians rampaging towards Europe.
The reality: We don't have any space colonies yet, but if they're anything like humanity's space station we can expect a lot of experiments involving globs of water or ants. In the unlikely event aliens arrived to wipe out our space station that would be the most useful experiment it has ever conducted.
REFORMED HOG - Former member of the swine family, has now agreed to behave like a proper dog. Free to patient home willing to overlook physical defects. 555-2519
What do you do when The Dark Knight himself pulls a boner?
Available in Large, which is actually a Medium stretched out to appear bigger.
If you're in a tight spot, this is going to be really helpful (I'M JOKING. I'M KIDDING AROUND)
It is said the Lord did write upon the sky, "Only the Most Awful shall be cataloged herein." And a wind did come and blow away the words and turn them into a skull. And the writers did fall upon their knees and give thanks, for yea, the Most Awful was good. Thus the lists were born. Read them, sons and daughters, and be strong.