Because if we're gonna franchise this shit we need some cute baby animals, right? Nessie is wreaking havoc and Josh's sheriff-mom is getting mildly flustered, even tough so far the monster is only eating boring senior citizens who are pretty much only good for use as Halloween decorations. Meanwhile James McCool and her only son are cruisin' around on cool boats talking about mysterious tunnels and making magical alchemy bullets while she has to listen to her ditzy grandpa of a sidekick raving about alligators. Naturally this pisses her off a little, so she heads off to McCool's trailer bunker so she can spout nonsense about "logic" and "reason." She leaves McCool with a warning to stay away from Josh, which our hero responds to by asking the kid to steal some police equipment for him.

Trouble is brewing on Paradise Island, though, because it looks like Brody and friends might actually get to have sex! Well they almost do, anyway; the two stock characters fuck off-screen and Zoe refutes Brody's sexual advances, thereby ensuring she's the only one of the quartet who doesn't die as punishment for debauchery. Harlot Girl gets jizz dribbled on Suggestive Themesher and her head bitten off, expendable guy trips over the only goddamn log on the island and gets crunched up, and then everyone screams and waves their arms around a bunch until someone buys Nessie something on her wishlist and she trundles away.

But Brody and Zoe's troubles are about to get worse, because a mysterious carcass has washed up on the beach back in town. By stealing its head from the police and cleverly swapping it with a delicious six-pack of PEPSI-COLA Brand Soft Drink, McCool discovers that there are many tiny puppet Nessies loose on the island, all of them out for hot teen blood. I think this is supposed to be why Nessie had to go to America, which is a lot like sea turtle migration except completely fucking stupid.

McCool is briefly arrested by Sheriff-chan for his tomfoolery, but it takes about 5 minutes for her to decide that she acted too hastily and that it would be a better idea to let him run around with a mini-van full of explosives instead. Thus begins the final action-packed act of the movie, with the cast split into two groups: Josh, Brody, and Zoe on the island running from puppets; and Sheriff-chan, McCool, and Old Guy zooming around on a boat and occasionally cutting to a two-second shot of Nessie swimming under water. Action packed scenes include:

  • People firing guns in unison which usually accomplishes nothing but sometimes results in exploding heads.
    So it's explained in the movie that this is a magical microwave gun that can melt dinosaurs. Wasn't that from Calvin & Hobbes?
  • Killer dinosaurs the size of horses sneaking up on people in large groups, tapping them politely on the shoulder, and relieving them of their facial tissue. This is what happens to poor Brody as he sacrifices himself for his ladylove.
  • Josh, on the other hand, challenges the puppets to fisticuffs, but Zoe saves him by throwing rocks instead of letting him get eaten because Josh is a Nice Guy.
  • Sidekick Grandpa dies. Because that is the purpose of the elderly.
  • McCool putting on super spaceman goggles and firing a big old ray gun, which is apparently powered by shouting.
  • Zoe getting cornered by Nessie and being told to NOT MOVE, so we get lots of dramatic shots of people standing around screaming "NOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Hey bitch, guess what happens after the credits roll?"Eventually, McCool saves the day by staring Nessie down like a sad Indian until she explodes in a giant fireball. Josh squeals with delight and starts making out with his ex-girlfriend, who gladly reciprocates even though she just watched her boyfriend get eaten alive not ten minutes ago. The movie wraps up a pretty much like every episode of Johnny Quest:

Sheriff-chan: Hey you kids! *smiles* Ho ho, you kids! *hearty laughter*

Josh: *wiping tears from his eyes* Gee whiz Mom! *wiping tears from his eyes* But there's just one thing... Mr. McCool, sir, are you going to settle down and bone my mom so we can all be one big happy monogamous heterosexual family???

McCool: *with a twinkle in his eye* You bet your last PEPSI-COLA. *laughter*

Plot-7
Acting-6
Special Effects-5
Directing-5
Music / Sound-5
Overall-28

– Eileen "Raptor Red" Stahl

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