We here at Something Awful LLC. don't receive too many groundless legal threats and idiotic lawsuit notices these days. Perhaps our resident expert fancypants lawyer Leonard "J." Crabs has placed the fear of a harsh and merciless God into all of them. No wait, he placed his PENIS into them, that's what I meant to write.
Regardless, it's always an unbridled joy of joys when somebody stupid enough to fake sue us sends me an email, informing everybody involved with anything on the internet that it's their right to fake sue us for all the fake slanderous things we didn't fake write. Flash rewind to last month: an author on Something Awful wrote a very disparaging Awful Link of the Day about a woman who dresses dogs like cheerleaders. While us uneducated bozos who write for SA aren't very well-versed on every aspect of the law, we do like to pretend our Founding Fathers (tm) scribbled something in the Constitution (c) granting American citizens the right to freely insult women who dress animals like cheerleaders. Perhaps they stapled that note to the back of the original Constitution (c) and it fell off when Nicholas Cage stole it to hunt for precious jewels in a mummy's birth canal.
Well it would appear we're not as smart as we don't think we are, as an internet "certified private investigator" recently slammed us with our latest legal threat, encroaching upon our ability to insult dog sweater ladies. Could this be the end of freedom and Something Awful? Would we be taken to the boards by an individual hellbent on protecting dogsweater cheerleader women across the world? Let's find out!
|From: Macnachtan Arms|
Sent: Saturday, January 13, 2007 10:36 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: Possible slander at your website
Your site was brought to my attention by a client of mine, after she received several negative emails from your website visitors. I am referring to Mrs. Jenkins site...
Mrs. Jenkins creates these wonderful dog coats and clothes because she enjoys it. I have viewed her wonderful pets and she cares for them very well. They get very excited when she dresses them up. They enjoy it immensely. They are not being forced to do so. Mrs. Jenkins donates the profits of her sales to Animal rescue organizations. What you have posted at your website suggests that she is only in this to "bilk" the public out of money. This is far from the case.
I would appreciate your removal of reference to her and her wonderful website.
Mr. T.J. MacNair
Oh no! A "Certified Private Investigator" had caught wind of our obviously illegal dog sweater insulting scheme! How on Earth would we wiggle our way out of this legal bomb?
My first order of business: I noticed Mr. T. J. MacNair, you know, the certified private investigator, was number 67,256 in the line of certified private investigators. Perhaps I'd have more luck with one of the other 65,000 or so?
|From: Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka|
Sent: Saturday, January 13, 2007 11:10 AM
To: 'Macnachtan Arms'
Subject: RE: Possible slander at your website
Hmmm I don't know if this all is true, may I please speak to some of the other 67,255 certified private investigators to get their opinion on this matter?
I obviously wanted to check all my options before getting myself involved with somebody as potentially deadly as Mr. T. J. MacNair and his powerful ties to the dog sweater cheerleader outfit industry.
It was a fatal mistake.
The treacherous New England Patriots are guilty of deflating their footballs. We must punish them severely in the name of holy retribution. This transgression has been the biggest headline in the United States for an entire week, and it should be the primary concern of all nations.
We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.
Many people love to threaten to sue us. Luckily we have both Leonard "J." Crabs and common sense on our side, thus enabling us to easily defeat such trivialities. Remember - when you're on the Internet, you can threaten to sue for anything!