Okay. I mean, I know not everyone is a big horror movie fan, but this house is really going out of its way to throw every possible warning sign in the family's path. The only way this house could be less inviting is if blood started running down the walls and wrote out, "I'M GOING TO KILL U" in thirty-six point bold Impact. Then again, maybe they do recognize all the signs, and they're intentionally staying because they know that if they survive whatever supernatural evil is basically guaranteed in the lease to come and try to kill them, it will magically heal all the strife between them and make them more appreciative of one another for the experience.
As Gabby is outside watering the garbage on the lawn, the mailwoman comes by, asking after Hana in a way that says, "I'm the requisite supporting character whose monotone delivery and vague comments implies that I know more about the supernatural goings-on than you do, and also here's your mail." She hands Gabby a package addressed the Hana's father, which is a little odd, since she obviously could have just left it on the kitchen table during one of her daily breakings and enterings.
What an... odd figurine...Hana rarely speaks to her new caretakers, but she seems obsessed with a creepy doll. When Patty touches it, Hana attacks her and has to be pulled off. All the same, Gabby has endless patience for Hana and scolds Patty for getting attacked by her cousin. Bad Patty. Stupid, filthy, awful girl.
Feeling rightfully shitty about herself, Patty goes into her room and tries to call a friend on her cell, presumably to bemoan her parents and how they just don't understand. In her emo rage, she dials her phone so hard that she knocks it out of her hand and send it skittering across the floor, where a mysterious hand snatches it and pulls it into her closet. Patty goes to investigate, with her trusty switchblade in hand (another bit of great parenting - give the paranoid schizophrenic a knife). As soon as she enters the closet, she is attacked by a crazed dead woman. Of course, by "crazed dead woman," I mean "Hana," and by "attacked," I mean "licked." This walking dead woman isn't supposed to be Hana necessarily - certainly none of the other characters notice the resemblance - but she's played by the same actress, so there's only so far we can be expected to pretend it's someone totally different.
"I'll teach me to be in this movie."Patty stabs the ghost lady in the head, then runs to get her parents. Of course, they don't believe her, or even bother to see if there is the remote possibility that she's telling the truth. They just write it off as one of her crazy delusions and tell her to go back to bed in her ghost-infested room. Patty does as she is told, and sure enough, she sees the ghost lady again. This time, she goes and finds the rifle and chases the woman out of the house. Now, Patty playing with a giant knife is one thing, but firearms are another matter entirely. This time, Gabby sends Daniel to investigate. He takes the rifle and goes outside, groggy and shirtless. He is immediately attacked by the ghost woman. Meanwhile, back inside, Gabby sees the ghost woman run up to the house and start banging on the windows. Allow me to clarify - both Gabby and Daniel just saw the ghost woman with their own eyes. And yet, when Daniel comes inside (somehow wearing a shirt now), neither he nor Gabby believe Patty's claim of a crazed woman running around. You'd think Patty would be upset by being brushed off like that, particularly after being attacked twice in one night, but she's already gone back to sleep. I hate this family.
Finally, Gabby and Daniel decide it might be worthwhile to call the cops or leave the house, but they find the phone is dead and their car is missing. Neither of these things bother them that much. As for Hana, well, all the screaming and gunplay has just made her horny. She takes Daniel aside and tells him she want to fuck him. She may be his niece, she may be homicidal, and she may have likely killed his brother, but Daniel saw the opening scene of the movie, and he's been wanting a piece of that ass ever since. Of course, as soon as he leans in to kiss her, she starts screaming, alerting Gabby and Patty, who come over and chastise him for his naughty behavior. It's just not his night.
He has unlocked the secrets of the universe and seen beyond the mortal plane, yet Doctor Strange can't believe how easy it is to eat an olive.
You can realize that you’ve wasted the last few moments of youth at an occupation you hate or fool yourself into a numb compliance with one of these great excuses.
Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.