What martial art do pirates practice, anyway? Pirate Fu? Pijitsu? Parate? Whatever it is, it rules.
At his apartment, Grey mulls over whether or not Woods is trustworthy. Tuckered out from all that thinking, plus the whole extermination of an entire gang of armed thugs thing, he falls asleep. Like most mob hitmen, when he dreams, he dreams of an uncharted island in the Pacific in the year 1611. I know that's what i dream of, which is why I'm considering going into a life of crime.
What happens on the uncharted island in the Pacific in the year 1611, you ask? Well I'll tell you! A pirate sits on a cliff overlooking the ocean, where his ship waits for him. An islander approaches, and he doesn't particularly possess that genial, tourist-friendly attitude that makes Pacific islands the vacation choice for so many bourgeois capitalist pigs each year. The pirate is distraught that the islander did not bring him women, gold, and food, so he requests them. Women, gold, and food, that is. By which I mean his request is for women, gold, and food. And also some ale. But mostly women, gold, and food. That's pretty much the pace of the scene, right there. The islander decides to deny this request, however. When the pirate reminds him that his ship has its cannons aimed at the islander's village, the islander waves his hand at the ship, causing it to explode... somehow. This is a very useful skill, one which you'd think would surface again at some point in the movie, but alas and alack, it does not. Mildly perturbed about the loss of his ship, crew, and worldly possessions (seriously. I'm not being glib here, the pirate is at most mildly perturbed), the pirate engages the islander in mortal combat. The two are evenly matched, however, and the fight never reaches its conclusion. Grey is so startled by the fact that the fight doesn't end (he had money on the pirate), that it shocks him awake.
Tell me you don't want to punch this guy in the face. I dare you.
Also contributing to Grey's awakification is a knock at the door from a pizza delivery guy who, by the by, is a human garbage disposal and a waste of precious oxygen. Despite living under constant attack and considering only one man to be even worthy of calling friend, Grey doesn't find anything even the least bit suspicious about a pizza guy showing up even though he didn't order anything, and adamantly refusing to go away. Grey takes the pizza after all, but lo and behold, when he turns around to go back into his apartment, a bunch of goons have broken in through the window! What a surprise! Jackass. Naturally, Grey slaughters them all without any trouble, leaving one alive just long enough to find out that they were sent by Woods. It's so nice that the twist that emerged all of one scene ago was resolved already. I hate being left in suspense like that.
"Hey Steve, isn't this the guy that likes to dodge bullets and kill everybody?"
"Just shut up and keep pointing your gun at him. That'll show him who's boss!"
Woods meets with Al in his home to tell him that Grey has been sleeping with Illiana. Al is furious - not because Grey's been using his superhuman powers to plow his young, hot trophy wife like he never could, but because Woods has the nerve to insult Grey like that. Grey shows up moments later to warn Al that Woods is a traitor, but Al doesn't want to hear it. He's determined to find out what's really going on, and more importantly, to keep things civil and pleasant at all times. Sadly, Al's crusade against profanity and lifelong career of brutal crime is cut short when Woods shoots him. He then tosses the gun to Grey, who catches it and tries to shoot Woods. Woods just laughs, saying that he only put one round in the gun. Pretty clever, huh? It's even more clever than you think! He only put one round in there, but somehow managed to shoot Al twice! Now that's a sign of a good marksman. Of course, Al's security, headed by Rakiesha, shows up to find Grey standing over Al's body with the gun. Illiana enters soon after. As Woods makes a break for it, Grey kills everybody but Rakiesha. He's good like that.
The next morning, we find Gray sitting in a car with a gun to Illiana's head. He tries to explain to her that Woods wants her dead, as well as him. I'm not sure what brings him to that conclusion, since Woods seemed to really be enjoying the sex she was giving him. It turns out that he's right, I just don't know why he'd make that assumption. Whatever.
Don't look at the camera! Look at the guy with the gun! Ah, you yutz.
Woods and Rakiesha discuss what to do about Grey. This is the first time we hear Rakiesha speak, but believe me, we haven't been missing anything spectacular. She makes Eminem sound like British nobility. Their conversation is rudely interrupted by a man in a ski mask proclaiming he's taking revenge for Alex Ye. Frankly, I'd think that if you're going to declare your intentions and motivation, there isn't a whole lot of point to the ski mask. It's not like Woods is going to see you and shout "Oh look, it's anonymous Chinese henchman thirty-eight!" Before Ski Mask Boy can complete his mission, however, he is shot in the back by Mongoose, who doesn't take kindly to people stealing his jobs. Now try to follow this one. Mongoose is there to kill Woods. He was hired by Al, hence the call he received back at the basketball game. This, of course, was before he knew anybody was sleeping with his wife. Ergo, Al just up and thought it would be a good idea to hire a superpowered assassin to snuff out one of his two most trusted men. Right. Woods, ever the opportunist where not getting shot is involved, offers Mongoose a million dollars to kill Grey instead.
Those aren't tribal markings on his shoulder. He got really wasted last night and his buddies found a Sharpie.
Flash back to Wyoming, 1850. A bounty hunter approaches a sleeping Indian who has supposedly killed a few white lawmen. Keeping the tradition alive, they fight each other, but no decision is reached. I have to say, though, this time around I'm not really sure which one is Grey and which is Mongoose. I think it's pretty clear at this point that Grey and Mongoose, the two superhuman warriors in the present day, have been all these other superhuman warriors throughout history. In China, the guard trying to do his job was Grey, and Murderhappy McPeasant was Mongoose. In 1611, Grey was the islander trying to save his village, Mongoose was the pirate who just wanted women, gold, and food. But this one is a little confusing. On the one hand, you've got a bounty hunter, who is really just a guy trying to do a job, versus a bloodthirsty savage who murdered a bunch of people, so you might think that the bounty hunter is Grey and the Indian is Mongoose. But when you consider the plight of the Native American in our history, you have to figure that if this guy killed some white sheriffs, he probably had good reason, whereas the bounty hunter is really just a contract killer who will go after anybody he can in this case. So you might think the Indian is Grey and the bounty hunter is Mongoose. So really you have to weigh the very little information you're given against what you think D.A. Jackson's position on the treatment of the Native Americans is. Eventually you will come to the only satisfactory conclusion there is: it doesn't matter and you've already wasted too much time thinking about it.
I love the way that "mecca usa" balloons out on fatty's manboobs, there.
It's now afternoon and Grey is in the bathroom of the hotel room where Woods and Illiana had their little tryst earlier. While Grey broods in the mirror, most likely fretting over his freaky eyebrow, Illiana makes a quick phone call. Like most phone calls in this movie, that can't be good. My question is, if they're trying to hide from Woods, why would they go to a place where Woods has not only been before with Illiana, but where he actually left his shirt after having sex with her? You think there's a chance he might look there? I suppose it doesn't really matter, since Illiana escapes through the window a few minutes later. She runs into a nearby gym and pleads with the bodybuilders to help her fend off the man who is chasing her. Naturally, when these musclebound men who have trained their entire lives to become as strong as possible hear this desperate plea from a hot woman in a revealing dress, they ignore the crap out of her. Only when Grey catches up with her and demands that she come with him do they finally react. A big fat guy gets in Grey's way, flanked by his two friends.
After dodging a few punches, Grey kicks Fatty in the face, knocking him out. Amazingly enough, in the next shot all three bodybuilders are on their backs. When Illiana asks what the fuck just happened, a reasonable question, we see a slow motion recap of Grey kicking Fatty, then beating the other two guys viciously before the tubby bastard hits the floor. Now, I'm willing to allow that Grey is so fast that he can take the other two out without it even looking like he's moving. After all, the guy can dodge bullets. But the recap actually shows the other two guys fighting back. They have serious brawls. So now does Grey land like seventy punches, but the other guys throw a few of their own, all before El Pudge manages to fall over. Something's a wee bit fishy, there.
Seeing as how that's Grey's arm on the left, there, I think it's safe to say that that's one dead henchman.
There's no time to think about the way that the laws of physics were just reamed like an altar boy, though. As soon as Grey gets outside with Illiana in tow, a car full of Woods' lackeys pulls up. Grey retreats back into the gym, where he waits to blow the everloving shit out of all of them in his own particular idiom. After corpsing up the gym, Grey steals the lackeys' car and takes Illiana to a secluded hideaway that Al used to keep.
Woods addresses all the remaining top members of Al's organization about Grey and how he murdered Al and ran off with his fuckbuddy Illiana. One of the other gangsters mentions that it all sounds like a load of horse flop and that it's just as likely that Woods killed Al himself and is just trying to frame Grey for it. Just then, one of the lackeys from the shootout staggers into the room. Presumably, he's all shot to hell and on the verge of death, but since there is absolutely no blood in this entire movie, despite all of the gunplay and swordfights, it's kind of hard to tell. Maybe he's not too weary to hold himself upright. Maybe he's a hunchback. There's no way to know. In any event, Woods takes the lackey's gun, shoots the guy who called him on his bullshit story in the head, then kills the lackey for good measure. Gee, not too suspicious or anything. None of the other gangsters seem even remotely phased by this. Stepping over the body of one of the guys he just killed, Woods goes on to explain how Alex Ye's gang will come looking for revenge for their murdered boss, and that they will expect them to be disorganized since Al died. Oh, I don't know about that. After all, the Ye gang seems pretty organized, and their leader only died about forty-five minutes before Al did. Well, whatever.
Honestly, the Assassin In Love poster is nearly perfect to begin with. It just needs a few minor tweaks.
Evil Cooper and Chechen President Ramzan Kadyrov have both been on a rampage, but who did what?
Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.