Tina and Connie arrive just as Mr. Burns is leaving. He introduces them to his repugnant shrew wife, Sadie, who actually looks a lot more like Gene Simmons in drag than Gene Simmons did, then he works up all the bad acting he can muster in order to excuse himself from the scene. The guys gather in the garage, watching the girls. Mark comments that he's going to have sex with Tina. Johnny is not phased by this in the least. Keep that in mind. Barney takes his sweet time remembering his line, but he eventually spits it out.
Barney: "Mark, you think every girl wants to have sex with you."
Mark: "Hey Barney, if you were a girl, wouldn't you want to have sex with me?"
Barney: "If I was a girl, I'd become a lesbian."
Nothing says "party" like mopping, boy howdy!
Riiiiight. Sammy and Betty pull up, which Mark is not happy about. Connie assigns bedrooms to everyone but Barney and her boyfriend Jerry, but she says that there are seven bedrooms left in the house for them to choose from. Automatically assuming that she means that he and Jerry have to sleep in the same room, Barney shouts out, "But Jerry's gay! I'm not sharing a room with a guy who's hot for my body." Like I said, he's a self-hating closet homosexual. Sammy and Betty go up to their room for some post-car ride sex. Everyone else wonders where Jerry is. Connie tells them that they're all "so special" for five minutes of my life that I'll never get back, then decides that they should all clean up the house. She sends Barney to the kitchen where he'll "be most useful." Uh huh...
Connie, Tina, Mark, and Johnny then break into a random Brady Bunch-esque dance sequence choreographed around cleaning the house. The music of choice is a ludicrously vapid beach blanket ditty about "partying the whole night long." For a little while, I thought that it was an actual song and that it was just a godawful choice for movie music. That is, until the lyrics started straying from partying the whole night to having the spirit to clean the whole house. At one point, the singer squeals "Now, Connie!" That'll teach me to have faith in humanity. Of course the song was made for specifically for the movie. Movies this bad can't afford to pay for actual songs on their soundtracks. I'm a stupid, stupid Greasnin. The dancing/cleaning is no better than the music. Most of it centers on Mark gyrating his ass in front of the camera and Johnny featherdusting the top of a couch in the most effeminate manner possible. At one point, all four of the culprits involved slide down the banister, apparently trying to clean it rectally. Suddenly, Connie stops the music for no reason. Mark bitches that they were "just getting into it," despite the fact that they had been dancing for over three minutes. Mark finds a white tape on the couch. He takes "Party the Whole Night Long," a black cassette out of the stereo and put the white one in. Before he can press play, Barney bursts in to say that Jerry's car, which had supposedly been there all along, is missing. Everyone rushes outside to investigate.
The white tape somehow plays on its own. It is a recording of either an raspy old woman or a pudgy thirteen year old wigger trying to sound tough. The voice repeats garbage like "The children are dead" in an incredulous fashion, punctuated by "Eeeeugh! Eeaaugh!" It is unspeakably irritating. The first time I saw "Evil Laugh," I seriously heard "Eeeeugh! Eeaaugh!" in my sleep. I've vomited less dissonantly than this tape. Outside, the gang stands in a formation that never occurs in real life so that they can all be seen equally and gets nothing accomplished for a while. Barney excuses himself so he can go finish dinner and minces off camera. Tina says that she has goosebumps. Dr. Mark's whore-dar hones in on her vulnerability and gives him the signal to offer her a shot of vitamin M. They go off together. Johnny is not phased in the least. Keep that in mind.
"Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, assemble!"
There is a shot of the exterior of the house at night. Then we go inside, where Connie stands by a window. It is bright and sunny outside. I don't have enough hatred inside my tiny, sexy body for stupid inaccuracies like that. When your film crew is comprised of all of your fishing buddies, it should be no problem to schedule a shoot that actually takes place at night. Or at least away from a damn window. Connie grabs a book and plops herself down on the sofa. She presses play on the stereo. "Party the Whole Night" plays, even though the wrong tape is in the machine. Mark and Tina prepare to have some sex. Johnny goes into the kitchen with a bottle of wine, but Barney is missing. Upstairs, we see one of the beds. The sheet bounces around a little, then a massive knife wielded by a male hand stabs through the entire mattress, disappearing just before Mark and Tina come inside, making out. Tina is suddenly reluctant to have sex, but she changes her mind after a quick conversation. This conversation occurs several times throughout the movie, because Tina is a huge slut.
Tina: "I won't have sex with you because I don't want you to think I'm a slut."
Mark: "I won't think you're a slut."
Tina: "Oh, okay. Stick it in." (Strips.)
Tina then proves just how much of a slut she isn't by spouting pure, chaste turns of phrase like, "I feel like I'm unwrapping a Christmas present" when she takes off Mark's underwear. During the sex, A hand creeps up through the gaping hole in the mattress that Mark and Tina somehow failed to notice. The hand runs down Mark's back, finally reaching his ass. The hand plays with Mark's cheek for over a solid minute before Mark accounts for his hands and Tina's hands, none of which are on his butt. Heavy breathing comes from under the bed. Mark and Tina jump up and find Barney down on the floor, holding a huge knife. Yes, Barney just kneaded Mark's behind for over a minute. He claims he thought it was Tina's. I say it just throws a little more evidence on the pile. Dammit, Barney, buy a lavender ascot and get it over with. Barney excuses himself to go cook, while the others all rush into the room to see what all the racket was. Johnny spots Mark naked with Tina and is suddenly furious. Apparently, he and Tina broke up six months ago. No, I don't know why Johnny didn't give a damn when Mark said he was going to screw Tina or when he offered her sex right in front of him. The point is, he's mad now, and the better point is, he forgets that he was mad by the next scene.
"I've called you all here to tell you... Barney's gay."
Speaking of the next scene, it's dinner, and even Sammy and Betty are in attendance. Barney, in a frilly apron, serves the main course - calf heart. Bum bum bum! No, don't eat it! It's really Jerry's heart! Eh, no one figures it out. Mark does, however, figure out that the things he think are potatoes are actually prairie oysters. Yep, only one scene after Barney's fingers took a walking tour of Mark's ass, he serves him bull testicles. That's real subtle, there, Liberace. Over dinner, Sammy proudly announces that his daddy got him an internship at the same hospital that Jerry and Connie are set to work at. Johnny tells him off, but Sammy is far too dense to latch onto Johnny's painfully simple insults, so they each have to explain themselves over and over. They refer to themselves, each other, and everyone else at the table as "Doctor." The word "doctor" is easily the most frequently used word in the scene, including "house," " dinner," and "the."
Just when Sammy is almost getting closer to possibly starting to obtain a semblance of a grasp of Johnny's insult, the doorbell rings. The whole crew goes to the door, expecting it to be Jerry. Instead, it's police chief Cash, or more appropriately, the giant alien blob that ate police chief Cash, as well as several other people. He wipes the sweat off his chins and asks the doctors if they've seen the delivery boy, who was reported missing. They tell him that they haven't. After an enormous and horribly awkward silence, Johnny recommends that Cash give Mr. Burns a call. Cash is astounded by Johnny's police work and leaves feeling much better about the case. Back in his squad car, Cash uses a walkie talkie to tell a gentle retard named Freddy to watch the house from the forest in case anything suspicious happens. The killer stabs Cash from the back seat of the car. Freddy comes down to investigate and gets stabbed, too. Neither of their deaths are remotely important and will never be mentioned again in the movie.
Back inside, Connie gathers everyone together to tell them the truth about the house. Sammy and Betty excuse themselves to go upstairs for their after-dinner sex. While a lame synthesized horror movie organ plays over the soft strains of "Party the Whole Night Long," Connie explains that the house served as a foster home for ten children. The owner hired a teenager named Martin to help out, but he was a little bastard. Three of the kids accused Martin of going all Michael Jacksony on them. The kids admitted that they lied in court, but not before Martin's father killed himself for having raised such a perverted child. Apparently Martin didn't know how to take a joke, so he came back to the house and killed all ten kids, then burned the house down while he was still inside. You know, the house is in pretty darn good shape considering it was burned to the fucking ground. Hey, Chachie's brother, I found a little snag in your airtight script. Anyway, Connie tells her friends that she'd understand if any of them were uncomfortable spending the weekend in a freaky murder house and want to go back to town. Barney says that he's uncomfortable spending the weekend in a freaky murder house and wants to go back to town, so Connie ridicules him mercilessly and everyone else refuses to give him a ride. Ah, friendship.
Sammy tries to take a pre- (or possibly post) sex shower, but there's no hot water. Being a man of action, he calls Mr. Burns. Burns, meanwhile, is trying to seduce his asexual wife Sadie with little success. It's probably due to the fact that his seduction technique consists of acting as wormy as possible, then whining some. Sadie refuses to give him sweet loving, so Burns tries to rape her. He is thwarted by the phone ringing and his overwhelming femininity, which is for the best, because if these two mutants mated it would be like a thousand zits popping in unison into my eyes. He tells Sadie that he has to go to the house to fix the boiler. Sadie murmurs something about her first marriage and not liking the house. On the way over, Burns rocks out to "The William Tell Overture" for a few painfully long minutes. I still can't figure out why anyone would have wasted film on that. At the house, Sammy ties up Betty (he's a "kinky ear, nose, and throat man") and tries to spray whipped cream on her, but nothing comes out of the can. Here's a note to all aspiring filmmakers out there: if one of your major plot points revolves around someone being unable to make whipped cream come out of a can, you're making a terrible movie. Just as a rule of thumb. Clad only in a silk kimono and spiked leather dog collar, Sammy goes downstairs for more toppings, leaving Betty bound and gagged on the bed. He comes across Barney in the kitchen, who screams at him for having heterosexual sex. He's certain that they'll be killed. At the same time, the killer slips into Sammy and Betty's bedroom. Betty, of course, can't run or scream. The killer hides behind the door. Sammy comes back, and even though Betty is making a shitload of noise and crying, he doesn't get the hint that something is wrong. As such, he gets the crap stabbed out of him. We don't get to see exactly where the killer stabs Sammy, but it must have been in the button the makes people explode, because Betty gets splashed with a freaking bucket of blood after one slice.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.