Overview: Last week I brought you the first part of my review of the staggeringly horrid movie "Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS". In the intervening week a number of people e-mailed me to remind me that Ilsa was just the first film in a trilogy of sorts that includes the pleasantly titled "Ilsa: Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks". Some day I may manage to score a copy of this film for review, in the mean time enjoy the gripping conclusion to the epic saga of "Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS." If you haven't yet read the first part of the review then be sure to check it out.
Directed By: Don Edmands (1974)
The Case For: There is a lot of nudity and not all of it is related to torture. Some of the Nazi uniforms are not horribly done.
The Case Against: The movie is a stunningly tasteless parade of sexualized violence against women, awful dialogue, questionable cinematography and editing, and the occasional pathetic attempt at serious content. Ilsa also looks like a grandma, and she's the person who is probably naked the most in the movie.
I'll take a side of red Koolaid with that fatally low pressure! Ilsa is a go-everywhere and do-everything kind of gal, so once she's done with the crotch electrocution she heads on over to "that chamber that makes the whirring sound". Inside those crazy Krauts have a woman tied up and enduring 5,000 meters altitude, completely naked of course. When Ilsa's pudgy assistant points out how incredibly long the writhing woman has been in the chamber Ilsa orders him to "decrease pressure five kilos", which the man reluctantly complies with. This is like hitting a switch for "spit red crap" and no sooner does the assistant adjust some controls then the woman in the chamber starts doing exactly that. After a few seconds of that she collapses covered in blood and Ilsa moves on to check out the exciting "boiling chamber". One guess at what's going on in this fun filled room. It's like a Chuck-E-Cheese of suffering for Jewish women and Ilsa is the one in the rat suit. Instead of giving all of them free tokens for the arcade she walks from room to room ordering her "scientists" to increase every test immediately to the fatal point. For Christ's sake Ilsa, the woman looks like a well-done order of hot wings! Have you no decency at long last?
Ilsa has loftier concerns than making Jew soup, she's got a hunk of burning American and the sicko scientist in her wants to understand his amazing ability to not achieve orgasm. It's called a fucking medical condition Ilsa, look it up. But no, instead of whipping out the Physician's Desk Reference good old Grammy Ilsa has to get Stilts to hump some evil Nazi guard women so she can watch. Now that's a science project I fully endorse. I encourage all 5th and 6th graders preparing their project for the Science Olympiad to select "Why I No Cum When Humping Grandma?" as their project. You can research this topic by humping grandma and then humping a couple Nazi women! Beats doing something about photosynthesis. Again. You unimaginative fuckholes.
Not Pictured: arm licking. Frenchie spends the better part of my attention span sneaking slowly out of the male barracks to rendezvous with the crippled-up women's underground. When he finally arrives at the meeting place he is introduced to Anna and Rosette, two of the newer inmates who have endured little more than a violent crotch shaving and some playful vaginal electrocution. Back in grandma's sex cave Stilts is busy sort of moving around on top of two moaning and naked Nazi guard women. The sex scene is actually pretty confusing and involves a lot of close-ups of the back of Stilts' hairy legs, cuts to Ilsa watching intently, and then wide shots of a second naked woman with really scary big pink nipples kind of half-heartedly rubbing Stilts on his shoulder. If that gets your motor running in high gear then when one of the women starts licking his arm you will probably blow some sort of gasket or spark plug. On the plus side, and excluding scary nipples, at least the two women Stilts is humping in slow motion are reasonably attractive.
While Frenchie has the girls memorizing a map of the sprawling three building prison compound Stilts has Ilsa doing a very boring strip tease in preparation for round two of their carnal match up. This is thankfully kept off screen and when the action returns to Ilsa's room after a nail-biting scene in which Frenchie crawls out a window we find Stilts dressed and preparing to depart. A love-struck Ilsa intones sweetly "when victory comes we will make children, and they will be beautiful". Bad news for you harpy, the guy can't deploy the troops to the landing craft if you know what I mean, and your beaches will remain unstormed. Stilts amscrays to meet up with Frenchie inside some sort of cage and discuss how all the girls will probably die trying to overthrow the Nazi overlords. Stilts has a slightly less pessimistic outlook than Frenchie, while Ilsa is just pleased as donkey punch that her beloved Herr General is coming to visit. She thinks that one look at the "important work" being done at Camp Shockacunt will galvanize the SS into doing whatever it is she wants them to do.
God I love a woman in support hose. Meanwhile, later, or something Rosette is giving a pep rally in the women's dorm and just as she starts yelling about escaping in bursts Ilsa. When some of the other women get lippy about the whole "flog Rosette to death" plan put on the table by Ilsa the angry nympho grandma makes ominous threats about having something in store for the rest of them as well.
Let's take a break from the gripping narrative for a moment and discuss the nebulous timescale and continuity of the film. Ilsa begins the night with an orgy followed by hot sex with Stilts, then puts her clothes back on to receive another phone call from the Hair General. Seconds later she is in the women's bunkhouse with two of her guards in a completely different uniform and after doing a little strutting around and threatening (two of her favorite things) she changes uniforms again, her evil blond sidekicks do their hair and change too, and then they strap Rosette to a table in their torture chamber. Orgies, changing clothes multiple times, spewing threats, and torturing someone all in the same night is enough to make the best of us break a sweat. Ilsa is better than the best; her hair hardly moves from its serene granny pageboy and is certainly never plastered to her forehead with exertion from having to change clothes every ten seconds. The work and training of the Hair General? Perhaps.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
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