The Hair General starts to get all worked up. The tour over, Ilsa and the Hair General retire to a lovely formal banquet complete with burning candelabras and a naked Jewish woman in a noose standing on a block of ice. The attention to detail in this scene is incredible. I was amazed at the authentic Nazi uniforms adorning the guests at the dinner and particularly impressed with the visible tan lines on the Jewish woman. The Nazis were cruel indeed but even they had enough human empathy to allow the female prisoners time to tan in bikinis. The Hair General thinks the concept of the woman being gradually strangled by the melting ice is the funniest thing ever and goes into the most wonderfully over the top fit of belly laughing I've ever seen. He actually balls his hands into fists and flails his arms while his face turns red and he bellows with laughter. What a fucking cut up.
While Ilsa is receiving an Iron Cross and the guards are having another drunken rape party the gals are busy learning knife and garrote tactics through pantomime from Frenchie. Stilts and Anna steal a private and touching moment away from all the festivities and murder plotting. Anna hams it up with broken lines of dialogue punctuated with sobs so real you can feel them in your sternum and Stilts just seems amazed that the things falling out of his head are actually lines from the script.
This is Ilsa's sad peeing face. The ice melts, the woman hangs, a homely female guard gets busy with a tied up female inmate, and the Hair General laughs a whole bunch more. The party clears out in the main dining room and Ilsa comes on to the besotted Hair General over a nice big glass of cognac. The general takes uber grandma up on her offer and when Ilsa begins to remove her uniform jacket the Hair General, who looks like he is stuck somewhere between having a coronary and crying, instructs her "not the top, the breeches only". After Ilsa reluctantly strips off her pants and underwear the Hair General asks her to put her boots back on. Then he starts heaping praise on her, calling her a blond goddess and professing his love. Ilsa is nonplussed, but when the Hair General lays on the floor and cryptically insists that she urinate on him in fully dress uniform, well…let's just say she makes the best goddamn frowny face I have ever seen. This face, coupled with the sound of her peeing on him, is definitely a moment to remember.
The general doesn't hang around for pillow talk. He flees at dawn, leaving Ilsa unsatisfied and clamoring for the sweet caress of Stilts. Frenchie, along with almost a dozen other male prisoners who materialized out of thin air, watch Stilts being escorted to Ilsa's bedchamber and prepare to swing into action with their plan. Once behind closed doors Stilts takes charge of the situation, bossing Ilsa around and ultimately tying her to the bed with her silk stockings. When Ilsa is fully bound and gagged, Stilts grabs her pistol and hijacks a nearby guard, driving him to the women's barracks and releasing the women. Frenchie and the gals go on a pretty amusing rampage through the camp killing guards, mostly by sneaking up on them one after the other. Just in case you forgot you were watching cheesy sexploitation, the movie throws in a few shots of one of the women completely topless for no apparent reason stalking around with a knife.
Frenchie, noooooooooo!!! The prisoners kill off most of the guards and seize control of the compound in a battle that lasts for several inept minutes and includes numerous scenes of gratuitous nudity (female guards dragged topless through the dirt) and a few really bad explosions. The crippled up women inmates tie up several of the female guards and Ilsa's chubby assistant and want to exact revenge, but Stilts is a man of honor and says they should leave them for the Allies. The mob mentality prevails and Stilts and his newfound love Anna flee into the hills so that the inmates can brutally kill their torturers. And who can blame them really? I wanted to kill them and everyone else involved in this movie about five minutes into it.
Walking crabcake Rosette manages to claw her way up from the depths of being burned to death and staggers into Ilsa's bedroom with a knife. Just when you think the Curious Grandma Humppe is about to get her comeuppance Rosette collapses dead on top of her. This dramatic death is followed moments later by a really crappy German tank and a truck bursting through the gate to the camp. German soldiers quickly gun down the brave camp survivors in a gun battle that is brief yet still somehow padded heavily with looped footage. Frenchie is one of the first to get gunned down but ultimately all of the prisoners are killed save for Stilts and Anna. The German commanding officer, who was seen earlier as the Hair General's adjutant, stalks in to Ilsa's room. Just when Ilsa thinks she is about to be freed the sneering officer draws his pistol and caps her like a lame horse. A lame horse that's been tied to the bed with pantyhose and has the corpse of a woman it ritualistically tortured lying on top of it.
Unfortunately, Stilts and Anna lived on to tell the tale. The film ends with the officer reporting over radio to the Hair General that the camp has been eliminated and that the Allies will never know. The final shot of the movie is of Anna and Stilts standing on a hill about six inches away from the camp, watching corpses being burned.
Even though this movie is set in Germany and is about the Nazis conducting sexualized medical experiments it's about as American as a film can get. Only Americans would think to film sexploitation and ultra-violent gore porn on the set of Hogan's Heroes and then have the fucking gall to dedicate it to the Holocaust survivors at the beginning. About the only thing I can think of that would definitely be worse would be to systematically exterminate six million Jews and then dedicate it to the memory of Holocaust survivors.
No, that's still not as bad as "Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS".
|Special Effects:||- 6|
|Music / Sound:||- 10|
Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).
The guns are gone. Now what happens to all those paper targets? Don't tell me you forgot about the paper targets. The ones hanging from little clips on fancy clotheslines at shooting ranges. With no guns to destroy these legions of paper bastards, they go unchecked.
Grimy horror growler Rob Zombie's scariest music videos finally ranked to warn your children.
1998: I upload dave.pcx, and change the course of history
Set goals for yourself, and fulfill them. Absurd! Only in video games!
Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.