Welcome friends! I'm so glad you could join me on this very special occasion. Today, May 8th, is International Steve Perry day. For those unfortunate few who don't know who Steve Perry is, he was the lead singer for rock super group Journey during a magical time called the 80's. However, Steve Perry is much more than a simple rock n' roll singer. He is a renaissance man of the highest caliber. He has experienced and lived more than we could even begin to comprehend. That's why in 1998 the SPPS (Steve Perry Preservation Society) was formed to record the history of Steve Perry so that the knowledge of his deeds would not vanish in time, and that future generations would know the sacrifices he has made to make this world a better place. We first started meeting at public restrooms when the club was called BKB (Boys Kissing Boys), but after talking about our love of Journey we decided to change the club's name and start meeting in my basement while blasting Journey's greatest hits and knocking down some tallboys. After taking it easy for a while, we got down to business and starting sharing the information we gathered on Steve Perry through our various contacts and research. No rock was left unturned, as we scoured through volumes of ancient records for any mention of Steve Perry, or as the Indians called him"Puchku Mombu" which translates to "Lord of the Universe". I'm happy to say that because of our dedication to this cause, the SPPS is the considered the foremost expert on all things Steve Perry. Today we are going to share 51 previously unknown facts about Steve Perry so we may spread the knowledge of Him like a highly contagious virus that makes you smile instead of slowly die. Please enjoy this learning experience.

Steve Perry will never steer you wrong when it comes to saving money.

Steve Perry once saved a small town from a wild motorcycle gang and was awarded a pig who became one of his best friends.

Steve Perry once built a working helicopter out of rope and grass clippings.

Steve Perry's favorite food is pizza.

Steve Perry spent seven years locked inside a sauna and when he came out he could see the past and future, but not the present.

Steve Perry invented Hot Pockets when he folded his sandwich over during the '85 tour.

Steve Perry delivers babies in his spare time and will eat it if it has downs, but if that happens he will steal you a working one and let you have it!

During the 60's, Steve Perry single-handedly stopped a nuclear war by parachuting into Cuba and using his telekinesis to disable the Russian missiles.

Steve Perry set the world landspeed record on roller skates.

Steve Perry once skied through the Gobi Dessert to rescue a baby duck.

Steve Perry carried Jesus' cross for a good half of the way.

Steve Perry is allergic to peanuts so now they only serve pretzels on airplanes.

The "new economy" was built on Steve Perry futures, but the tech bubble burst when Steve Perry got a cold.

Steve Perry once won the national spelling bee, after consuming an entire case of beer by himself.

Steve Perry pulled me out of a wheat thresher when I was 14.

Steve Perry keeps the Halfling village safe from the goblin horde.

Steve Perry was once arrested for punching a handicapped woman's van.

Steve Perry laid an egg the size of a man that will hatch on Armageddon.

Steve Perry is left-handed.

Steve Perry once shot a man just to watch him die, but then brought him back to life, like in the movie Powder.

Steve Perry straddles the inter-dimensional rift between our world and an alternate world where he was actually Jesus.

If you ever look at Steve Perry with your naked eyes, you will go blind. If a blind man looks at Steve Perry, he will be able to see.

Steve Perry is co-founder of the Fairground Association of Mid-West America and as such, he can ride any roller coaster once for free and then at a significant discount the next time but then he has to pay full price.

Steve Perry discovered the cure for AIDS but is waiting until the Cubs win the world series to unveil it.

Steve Perry used to work in a tractor factory and he was voted employee of the month three times in a row.

Steve Perry once ate a 20 ounce steak and skipped out on the bill but left the waitress a $100 tip.

Steve Perry can transform into four types of car and one type of minivan.

Steve Perry was secretly responsible for the assassination attempt on Reagan because he thought that he had a snake demon inside him.

Steve Perry was promoted to the rank of Panzer General after saving Eva Braun from a wild boar attack.

Steve Perry bought a killer whale on the black market and claimed it as a tax deduction.

Steve Perry invented a shovel that has a built in cup holder and a place to keep a hot dog warm.

Steve Perry jump kicked Shredder and saved the ninja turtles from being turned back to regular turtles.

Steve Perry's favorite color is yellow.

Steve Perry fired the first shot in the Revolutionary War.

Steve Perry once killed a unicorn for its horn's magical powers and plunged the world into an ice age.

Steve Perry was the first man to ever travel across the Atlantic Ocean on a rascal electric scooter.

Steve Perry joined the women's suffrage movement because he heard that they were giving away apple fritters at meetings.

Steve Perry has been wearing a Stay Puft marshmallow man costume since the premiere of 'Ghostbusters' and when asked to remove it, he cries marshmallow tears.

Steve Perry owns 3 McDonald's franchises with stellar cleanliness records.

Steve Perry's favorite coffee mug has a picture of the Jamaican flag on it and says "Jamaica me crazy".

Steve Perry bathes in his underwear and sleeps standing up.

Steve Perry once dug up the corpse of Beethoven, opened his mouth and put a nickel in it, then buried him again.

Steve Perry can play all his songs on his cracking knuckles.

Steve Perry has won Olympic medals in every event while carrying a 300 pound fat man on his shoulders.

Steve Perry feeds orphaned baby birds from his own mouth.

Steve Perry defeated the French at the battle of Hastings with his magic longbow "Jennifer".

Steve Perry is the number one supplier of pork in America.

Steve Perry played for Notre Dame in 1926 when he ran for 20,000 yards and 148 touchdowns, but had the records erased so others would not have to play in his shadow.

Steve Perry once had the ability to make rain fall at will, but he traded it for a lifetime supply of Zagnut bars.

Steve Perry sealed my driveway for 30 bucks.

Steve Perry was formed from mud and straw 3,000 years ago by a zoroastrian priest to protect his village from snakes.

Those are some amazing facts! Hopefully those ignorant of the greatness of Steve Perry, and these who discounted him as a goofy singer from some lame 80's band are punching themselves in their balls right now for being so hasty in their opinions. I managed to hunt down Steve Perry and e-mail him this article, hoping he would be pleasantly surprised that the younger Internet crowd has taken such a shine to him, and that even though he stopped performing, his voice lives on in our hearts. He wrote me back saying "Hey none of that is true, please remove it from your site." I was shocked and flustered that Steve Perry himself wrote me a personal e-mail and printed it up so I could frame it and place it in my Steve Perry shrine that I keep in my closet, complete with stone alter that I keep soaked in goat's blood 24 hours a day. Of course I know he's just being modest so I won't comply with his request. If there is one thing about Steve Perry, he is not a braggart, and is probably a little embarrassed with this tribute. That is the price of greatness they say, but I'm sure he is used to it by now. Be sure to mark May 8th on your calendar for next year my friends, because from this day forward Steve Perry day will be a time of joy; celebrating the triumph of the human spirit in the form of superstar rock singer and deity, Steve Perry.

A special thanks to the Steve Perry Preservation Society whose non-stop investigation and record keeping of all things Steve Perry insure that future generations will know the word of Perry. The society includes forum goons Chilibone, Street Robot, Oldbulleee, Niki Fishsticks, Regular John, EPS, Sighrax, Springer, Aesop Jones, and Locdogg. Don't stop believing.

– Reid "Frolixo" Paskiewicz

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.