A rocketship, ready for much adventure and excitement!
Hello friends. This is Tom "Moof" Davies here, with another of my characteristically hilarious and witty articles. Actually that was both a joke and a lie. A joke because I have never written for Something Awful before and a lie because it is unlikely this article will ever be described as "hilariously witty". "A debacle of poor grammar and terrible jokes" would probably be more accurate and soon you will realize this.
Ok I was hoping that would be enough for today's update but it appears I need about twelve times the number of words to fill the space provided. I suppose I could just copy what I already have and paste it seven times, but it seems like a waste to fill up the page with the same poorly constructed sentences over and over again when instead I can fill up the page with a variety of poorly constructed sentences over and over again. And so, my new friends, I am going to talk to you about space.
Many many years ago before wolves roamed the desolate post-apocalyptic streets of New York and Bill Gates invented the moon, the planet was ruled by ape overlords or perhaps aliens. To be honest I am not quite sure; I slept through my history classes in high school and, incidentally, all my other classes. Anyway the point is that a long time ago space did not exist, except in crazy science fiction movies like Battlefield Earth, Star Wars, and The Land Before Time. However, in the sixties when most people were holding hands and dancing in circles, a group of scientists discovered space. It soon became clear from their research that there are a lot of things in space. The moon is in space, the sun is in space, the stars are in space, spaceships are in space, aliens are in space, and it is even possible that our dear Planet Earth may be in space. As with any new frontier it was only about a week after its discovery before there were plans to explore it, colonize it, and build giant floating ships with hundreds of laser guns and ion cannons to destroy anything that may live in it. We are making good progress, and in the last forty years we have managed to put a flag on a rock. However I estimate that it will not be long until our dreams of cities on Mars populated by beautiful three-breasted women come true.
Bruce, I will never forget the special times we spent together. I love you. <3
Before we can create these magnificent planets filled with joy, love, and sharing, we must figure out a way to actually get into space. NASA is currently developing several next generation spacecraft that will make this journey possible. Although these plans are top secret, I managed to seduce a beautiful NASA technician named Bruce and what followed was an amazing night of passion and gathering of top secret NASA information. From the data I collected during that incredible night I was able to compile a list of a few of NASA's top candidates for the next-generation of space travel.
The technology behind flying saucers was discovered when an alien craft crashed into a cow in New Mexico in 1947. Before the aliens could apologize to the cow, the government had evacuated everyone in a three-hundred mile radius and declared war against the alien invaders. However no more aliens came and so the feds stole the spaceship and hid it in Area 51 on a shelf next to some Segways. Today NASA is trying to duplicate the flying saucer technology, although the task is made difficult because it is hard to distinguish between alien spaceship parts and bovine parts.
1. Glows in the dark.
2. Makes an awesome "whirririiriiirr" noise.
3. Does not explode as much as the space shuttle.
1. A lot of the technology was destroyed in the impact with the cow.
2. Flying saucer offensive to the British without a flying teacup.
A solar sailboat sails on the high seas of space. It works by trapping the sun's solar wind in its sails, and uses this wind to float to unknown worlds and discover riches beyond our wildest imagination. It is armed with space-cannons.
1. Space pirates.
2. Boats do not explode as much as the space shuttle.
CONS:An artist's impression of a steam train in space, possibly escaping from aliens.
1. Space pirates.
2. They will not be able to sail at night because there is no sun at night.
Steam Trains have already been developed, and so we would save billions of dollars in research and development. However this saving is countered by the fact that no-one has yet figured out how to drive a steam train into space.
1. Steam trains already exist.
2. Steam trains do not explode as much as the space shuttle.
1. Lots of railroad to build.
2. Lots of coal needed.
3. Steam trains don't work in space anyway.
The Internet can do a lot of stuff so I guess it could be used for space travel.
1. It is the Internet.
2. The Internet does not explode as much as the space shuttle.
1. A lot of porn.
2. Additional phone line needed.
3. Crashes a lot.
4. May broadcast an IP address.
5. Contains terrible jokes.
As you can see, NASA has a lot of exciting tricks up its sleeve that will hopefully capture the public's imagination. But as a recent poll of the American people shows, not everyone is excited about this new era of interplanetary travel:
Would you like to go into space some day?
42% - No
30% - Where is space is that in Canada
25% - I am hungry
2% - I don't know
1% - Yes
A picture of space, as seen from space.
As the poll clearly shows, a lot of people are not at all interested in space. I do not know why this is. As far as I can see, space has everything that should appeal to the average American. First of all it is big. Very big. In fact it is so big that no-one quite knows just how large it is. The closest estimate I can get is "pretty damned big, let me tell you that! Hahahaha!" - Professor Betrand Marmaduke of The University of Space. Ha ha indeed professor, ha ha indeed. It should also appeal to Americans because it is very easy to find. Unlike car keys or a newborn child that can easily get lost under a cushion or in the washing machine, it is hard to lose space. It can almost always be found by looking up. So why do people not care about our poor, lonely space? I just don't know. But I do have some ideas to make it more popular with the kids.
Have a war in space
Even better if it is with aliens. Though it should be with an alien race that isn't very advanced, like alien chickens or something (not giant chickens though, that would be crazy). A war with aliens is sure to encourage interest in space, and would look awesome on Fox News.
Make movies about space
If there is one thing the world needs right now, it is movies about space. Perhaps a movie with some people on a spaceship, and then maybe something could happen and there would be adventures and it would be exciting. There might even be a movie with robots in space, and maybe the robots would be funny and everyone could have a good laugh. I don't know.
Add an exclamation point
Congratulations if you have read this far, you are a brave person. I hope you liked it, but if you did not then I don't care since you are just a person on the internet. Hopefully this article will go some way to persuading you that space is the future. I predict that in the next decade space will be the biggest industry in the world, and within fifteen years we will all be living on the moon and own moon-dogs and rocket ships. On the moon everyone will be happy and we will all live as a whole, there will be no fighting and everyone will get along and hug a lot and it will be beautiful. At least until the aliens come.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
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