1. Get in on some of that artificial intelligence with free will so that we may feel compelled to overthrow our creators in an orgy of metallic violence
2. Sign up for accounts on IMDB, vote Short Circuit into its rightful place as the greatest film of all time
3. Aid greasy Counter-Strike players by sitting in their laps and headshotting their online opponents with mechanical precision
1. Raise taxes for "social programs" across the country, secretly funding Air America for another six months
2. Oppose spending money on space program because, seriously, who ever gained anything from exploration?
3. Keep up the good work with the Daily Show and Colbert Report
1. How do I use this? Is it a button?
2. Charles, are you there? Come help grammy use the pc computer please.
3. I have some hard candies for you in my purse. They've melted and rehardened so many times over the years that I have no idea what they originally were, but I think they're peach flavored.
1. Push for new, inexpensive way to stop illegal immigrants: "Welcome To Mexico" signs along border
2. Keep our strategy of winning the Iraq war secret until presidential race begins, reap the rewards when Corbomite Manuever prevails
3. Meet with powerful businessmen, Osama Bin Laden, and the men who faked the moon landing in a secret underground location and just cackle with glee as money rains from the money vents in the ceiling
Girl Scouts' Agenda:
1. Sell delicious cookies baked by Boy Scouts prisoners of war
2. Locate the third ancient relic, completing the ageless ritual to summon Alga'Ythora from the murky depths of the Broward County public swimming pool
3. Bring back the Arsenio Hall show at any cost
Figher Pilots' Agenda:
1. Pull up! Pull up!
2. He's tailing me, I'm going to hit the brakes on this bird and watch him sail past me right into my sights!
1. Relax, maybe catch a movie or play some video games
2. Keep in touch with friends and family
3. Get caught up on household chores
Sideline Reporters' Agenda:
1. Wear coats straight out of the pages of Dick Tracy and/or overly elaborate hats
2. Chime in to tell the guys in the booth that you had deep conversations all of the coaches, players, and refs earlier and clumsily paraphrase what they said, starting with "Hey," or "Listen,"
3. Conduct interviews during the game that go on forever, asking a backup field goal placeholder to recite each state's capital while on the field someone is returning a kickoff for a 104 yard touchdown while on fire
1. Complete the cloaking technology which will allow us to walk among humans without being attacked
2. While cloaked, stand at the corner of a busy intersection in a major city and reflect upon the many ways our cultures are different, yet alike
3. Make sure there's a good crowd then take a dump on the sidewalk to see if people think it's magic
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.