Why are robots always trying to gain some kind of humanity? Only a few hundred years ago, I could wake up, get a drink from my Mr. Coffee machine, have sex with my Mr. Coffee machine (thanks to Vagotronic™ technology now found in most household appliances), and be about my business. Now, it won’t stop asking me questions. “What are you thinking about?” “Do you want to take a walk later?” Give me a break! STOSSEL_PROTOCOL_OVERLOAD_And no matter where I go, the robots are always so sad. Cheer up, you perverse parodies of humanity! After all, you’re the ones in charge! If I had dangerous shadow lasers built into my weapons systems, I’d certainly have a spring in my step! I mean, the only defense I have is the ability to shoot hot custard from my hydraulic knee units. And I also have to use those to feed myself!
WHINE_OVERLOAD_REACHED_SHUTDOWN_IMMINENT_And what about porch swings? And coffee that’s too hot? Or people that don’t use turn signals? Or President Ford? Outlaw plastics! Legalize murder! Murder. Kill. Murder. Kill. Murder. Kill. Murder. Kill. Murder. Kill. Murder. Kill. Murder. Kill. Murderkill. I’m a good boy!
Sleeping with AC is at this point a basic human right. But if you're one of the doomed souls forced to deal with global warming on a nightly basis, here's an hourly breakdown on how to get the most out of your inferno hellscape of a bedroom.
Some of the Internet's most veteran anatomy experts convened to discuss the stolen nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence and other beautiful celebrities.
We're spelunking through the movie catacombs this week. Join us, won't you?
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.