You see, back when I was a kid in the 19th century, we didn’t have these problems. And it was all thanks to a little thing called black slavery. Now, don’t get me wrong; I’m no racist. It’s just that now all humans are slaves to Xanthor’s horrible robot armies. Wouldn’t it be better if just one race was enslaved? Think about it. Since the blacks have been through this before, I’m sure it would be pretty easy for them to adapt. It’s just like riding a hover bike! Except for the rare forms of cancer their powerful reactors are known to cause.
I can understand how some of you listening to this transmission – probably in the Forced Labor Spacefruit Groves – are thinking, “Where does this goofball get off? Just because Xanthor granted him immortality, he thinks he can give us his opinion- a concept that has been outlawed for 500 years!” Though I bet most of you are unconcerned with this and exclusively hope for a quick death, possibly by one of your laserbaskets used in the harvesting of spacefruit. After all, we all know what happens when you don’t handle those dangerous laserbaskets correctly – you’re beaten savagely to death by robot overseers. If I were you, this would be a constant dream of mine. Let me tell you this much: a life of immortality isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, especially when you’re forced to spend a handful of centuries in the same room as Larry King. Brother, it ain’t easy.
I never asked for the mighty and benevolent Xanthor to give me this gift. It was his idea to preserve America’s 20 most brilliant minds before he destroyed all of our major cities, and somehow I was mistakenly included on this list. “How did Larry King make it,” you ask? He’s incredibly Jewish; something both he and Xanthor have in common. Today, as the Minister of Interviews, he asks our factory-built celebrities the same questions he did in the pre-Xanthor era: their names, well-known facts about them, and their genders. All of this information can be found on the ultimate galactic source of knowledge and popular religion, Wikipedia, but that doesn’t mean Larry’s show isn’t the #1 entertainment program on the official Xanthor Information Datafeed. This is probably because it’s the only entertainment program on the official Xanthor Information Datafeed.
As for me, well, as you all know, I’ve been the Minister of Information for quite some time. Xanthor saw my late 20th and early 21st century pieces on 60 Minutes, and he was delighted by the confusion and terror they caused in the television audience. But I don’t get it. What’s so confusing about an essay complaining about how my shoes are too tight because I forgot to take out the shoe store tissue paper they were stuffed with? I had important points to make then, and I wasn’t about to let intense senility or the elaborate series of strokes I had every 15 minutes stop me from doing this. Now, let’s talk about robots!
What if you were a cop and the Skittle was mentally disturbed and wanted to be eaten?
DOPPELGANGER NEEDED - To minimize stress to my dog, I'm looking for somebody who is identical to me to take over ownership. Must also be able to fool my wife. Call to set up interview. 555-8252
I'll never forgive these giant alien insects! I'm trying!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.