You know what really gets my goat? Bananas. Used to be you could go down to the corner grocer and pick up a bunch of nice, ripe bananas. Now, whenver I buy bananas, I get a bunch of green things that turn brown before I can eat them. And what happened to banana stickers? After I turned 140, whenever I would eat a banana I would place the sticker on my forehead and scream, “I am the banana king!” And let me tell you, my dog would have quite a hoot over it. Today, I’m not the banana king, and if dogs still existed, the one I had would be very upset. A bunch of sad, brown, phantom dog-depressing fruit for 2400 megacredits? Give me a megabreak!
STOSSEL_PROTCOL_INITIALIZED_I’ll tell you what bugs me more than bananas and the replacement of corner stores with ballistic food distribution cannons: Xanthor the Conqueror. Remember when we used to have Presidents? I sure do. Seems like whenever some lunatic in a spaceship lands in your country and beheads your leader, the most sensible thing to do would be to send the army right up his tailpipe. And now, 600 years later, I bet we’re all kicking ourselves for electing that bozo right on the spot. I guess when a fella wears a necklace made out of the faces of world leaders, everyone forgets about one important thing: character.
This brings me to the following subject. You know what I don’t get? The future. Sure, it looked good in Science Fiction and at the end of most history textbooks, but as someone who owns two homes in the future, I have to say that it’s an incomprehensible mess. Whatever happened to displays? I may be getting long in the tooth, but I remember when most computers actually had a little something called monitors. You’d go on the internet, order your orthopedic shoes, and you’d actually be able to see a picture of the footwear that would support the many fat-filled sacs on your body- but no more. Now, everything just has a cheap plastic overlay filled with meaningless colored geometric shapes. When I’m at the Pharmotron, am I really supposed to know which hue of red square represents my immortality medication? Heck, for a decade in the 24th century, I was accidentally taking estrogen! And you know what? I never felt prettier.
Speaking of the future, what’s with all of these terrible fonts? I know it’s the future, and things are supposed to be futuristic, but why is it that all fonts have to be so darn unreadable? Just yesterday I picked up a daily issue of the All Hail Xanthor Information Sheet, and you know what I read? Nothing. How am I supposed to know what dangerous and unknown planets we’re at war with when these jokers won’t even throw in a few serifs? Are they getting all of these fonts from pinball machines of the late 1970s? It’s ridiculous!
Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.
The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'
This ain't your daddy's globe...! .... or is it?!
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