I don't know what the hell April Fool's Day is or why we even "celebrate" it by acting like retards, but hey, any excuse for me to slack off and act naturally is perfectly fine by me! Enjoy the fake SA!
It's a Jungle Out There!
Hey guys, it's your new friend Ryan "OMGWTFBBQ" Adams here! Ha ha, just kidding, this is actually Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka! Ryan "OMGWTFBBQ" Adams decided to go to sleep without updating the front page to announce today's Tuesday Comedy Goldmine! Why did he do such a thing? Well he's from Texas, so God only knows what he was thinking (no offense to our readers in Texas; I'm very proud the Texas educational system has caught up and finally began instructing kids how to read). Once again I write things in jest, as I do not feel the need to accept a barrage of email from irate Texans who hired an illegal Mexican immigrant to use Outlook Express and type their hate-filled diatribes. Ha ha, that's another little joke at the expense of you folks inhabiting Texas! Thanks for playing along! Okay, I'll stop now.
Ryan "OMGWTFBBQ" Adams has changed the tempo a bit this week by choosing a series of zoo-related stories for today's Goldmine, courtesy of SA Forum Goon "Bigpeeler" and his glorious job working at the zoo. These true incidents involve ostriches humping innocent people, beating ostriches with a rake, elephants stomping on their own penises, people hitting elephants (with a rake I assume), and many other "interesting" things. Oh yeah, and MS Paint diagrams as well!
I walk over to these eggs and lean down to pick them up. As I do, I sense something behind me. In a second, I see this ostrich out of the corner of my eye. Before I could turn around, she sort of knocked me down on one knee. "Why you mother fucker......." and I tried to stand up. BAM!! She bumps me again from behind and this time she knocks me flat on my stomach. I can hear the people standing on the edge of the ostrich yard laughing!! Here I'm getting attacked by this pea-brained bird and they're laughing their asses off.
Before I can even react, she sits down on top of me. Now these birds weigh a lot!! Probably 400 pounds or so. But not only is she laying on me, she's sort of dry-humping me right in the ass. She didn't know it was my ass, but I did!! She was just defending her nest by grinding me into the ground, BUT I WAS GETTING BUTT-RAPED BY AN OSTRICH!!
Sexy! Be sure to check out all the hot zoo action by clicking here! If you're from Texas and aren't able to comprehend those instructions, then - ah, fuck it, the Texas jokes are getting old. I'll go back to making fun of Zack "Grape Exiter" Parsons.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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