Millions of dollars in the bank. Multitudes of adoring fans. Frequent travel that ultimately results in the donning of spandex and a few hours spent chasing other adults at near-superhuman speeds. Yeah, I'd say my life is pretty great. Maybe I'll even write an article about it sometime, but today I'd like to talk about athletes that missed their true callings.

Professional sports have an unusually high population of people with funny names. Maybe it's because having a name like Hanlick Nippel draws a lot of unwanted attention to a kid, and three hundred pounds of muscle seems like a great barrier to protect your feelings.

Whatever the reason may be, the strange names persist. Once I might have chuckled upon seeing one, but now I just wonder what could have been.

Names, you see, meant something once upon a time. A surname told everyone what your occupation was (see: Smith, Cooper, Graverobberson) and truly spoke for who you were. It's only natural to wonder what career paths some of these athletes missed out on when they made the decision to squander their lives on professional sports.

Longar Longar
(NCAA Basketball, NBA Prospect)

Should Have Been:
Kevin Costner movie editor
William "Refrigerator" Perry
(NFL)

Should Have Been:
Appliance repairman specializing in fixing Perry brand dishwashers
Alexander Semin
(NHL)

Should Have Been:
Professional Alexander Semin look-alike
Alge Crumpler
(NFL)

Should Have Been:
Enigmatic vigilante righting the wrongs of the seaweed industry
De'Cody Fagg
(NCAA Football, NFL Prospect)

Should Have Been:
Lobbyist for Big Apostrophe
J.J. Putz
(MLB)

Should Have Been:
PGA golfer
Elvis Dumervil
(NFL)

Should Have Been:
Professional celebrity look-alike (Alexander Semin)
Dick Trickle
(NASCAR)

Should Have Been:
Hospitalized years ago
Craphonso Thorpe
(NFL)

Should Have Been:
Overly harsh critic dedicated to keeping the ego of our very own Dr. David Thorpe in check
Miroslav Satan
(NHL)

Should Have Been:
Lead guitarist for a Christian death metal band
God Shammgod
(NBA)

Should Have Been:
Miroslav Satan's personal assistant
Peerless Price
(NFL)

Should Have Been:
Out of work peer counselor
He Hate Me
(NFL)

Should Have Been:
Co-founder of Traveling Conflict Resolution Troupe (along with He)
Dean Windass
(European football)

Should Have Been:
Donkey windproofing magnate
D'Brickashaw Ferguson
(NFL)

Should Have Been:
De'Cody Fagg's exclusive supplier of valuable bricks used in the bribery of politicians
Adam "Pacman" Jones
(NFL)

Should Have Been:
Classic arcade game champion with the world's highest score in Centipede
Coco Crisp
(MLB)

Should Have Been:
Cereal mascot (Captain Crunch)
Chubby Cox
(NBA)

Should Have Been:
The first man to commit patricide and matricide then avoid conviction due to the jury ruling his actions as justified

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Get In The God Dang Weight Room, Johnny Manziel!

    Get In The God Dang Weight Room, Johnny Manziel!

    Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.

  • Helping Your Real Friends Move

    Helping Your Real Friends Move

    A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.