Tuesday's Awful Link of the Day, an absolutely insane, bisexual, ADD-infested 20-something year old's LiveJournal, drew many responses from SA readers. Reader replies consisted of "Dear Christ, what's wrong with this person?" to "I will see you in hell for subjecting me to that horrible webpage," of course with the obligatory "I am the webmaster's best eFriend in cyberspace and you guys are truly 'something awful' for making fun of her quality homepage which doesn't at all look like a grocery list from somebody in the Arkham Asylum." Regardless of the response, many people seemed very polarized regarding the link. With this in mind, I have decided to take Something Awful in a slightly.. different direction for today's update. I asked the staff here to keep a little journal of their own throughout Wednesday, with the idea that we could cash in on this LiveJournal abomination of a trend. Granted, I don't have any clue whatsoever as to why LiveJournals are popular or why this trend replaced the ultra-cool previous trend of "African American teenagers killing each other for their Nike shoes," but I do know that being popular on the Internet is just simply the most important thing in the universe and must be pursued at all costs. So without further ado, may I present to you the Something Awful LiveJournal!

Curse You, Richard.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 18 - 1:03 AM
By Josh "Livestock" Boruff

That foolish fiend Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka requested we keep this confounded electronic journal throughout the fortnight. Does that pandering pantywaist not realize I have important issues to address? I am a busy man with a set schedule I must adhere to around the clock! The measly meandering I must muster for each journal entry simply robs me of my precious time, to which I could be repeatedly flipping animated gifs horizontally in yet another sweet, sweet embrace of pixilated ecstasy! The fools on Something Awful do not understand the genius of my 256-colored universe, one full of miracles and rotating objects horizontally at an annoyingly aggravating speed. To think the fools at the University tossed me aside like a garbage bag full of aborted fetuses, causing my invariable move of my animation studio to the back of this filthy cargo train destined for Akron, Ohio! Well I'll show them... I'll show them all! Most importantly, I will seek my revenge on that impotent idiot Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka... I shall make an animated gif of his hideous visage, one which will animated every 1/50000 seconds and will be so disturbing that only Lucifer himself may stare at it without suffering the pains of one thousand burning needles to the retina! Revenge shall be mine, dear readers!

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Hey guys, what's going on in this thread?
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 18 - 1:31 AM
By Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka

Well, this is my first AwfullyLiveJournal entry and I'm fairly excited about it! I think this project is going to work out well and won't make me want to end my miserable life like all the previous projects I started and then failed to finish... like my miserable life. Oh God how I await the sweet embrace of death. Anyway, I'll be periodically updating this section throughout the day with my various thoughts and opinions. I guess I should get started with that whole thing so people can know how I feel about certain important issues in my life. Well here goes: first off, let me say that racism "just isn't cool." All you racist people out there aren't good and the government should put you in jail for that racist crap. Racism is about as cool as I was in high school, where all those assholes would hit me in the face and push me down stairs just because I drew erotic Tailspin fan fiction all day. But hey jerks from my high school, look who's cool now? I'm popular on the Internet! I'm a popular Internet guy and you jerks are all simply unpopular, rich lawyers and doctors and architects who have beautiful homes and nice cars and... well... oh God, why didn't they just finish the job in high school? I am a horrible monster and pray for death. I need to find an Awful Link of the Day and take my aggression out on it. At least Emily likes me for who I am.

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What the fuck
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 18 - 1:34 AM
By Emily "Integral" Reigel

I hate Rich for who he is. This is the worst idea he's ever thought of, and trust me, he's got enough retarded ideas to choke Louie Anderson. Did I ever tell you Internet people about his idea to sell his own blood through eBay for cloning purposes? Yeah, that's right, he thought somebody would buy his infected blood to make clones of him or something equally ridiculous. If somebody really wanted his blood, they'd beat it out of him like people invariably do every time we leave this hellhole apartment, which is about once every four weeks. I want to crush the skull of that gypsy woman who put the curse on me, forcing me to live my life with a, dear lord, WEBMASTER. God this sucks.

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Wow, What an idea!
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 18 - 2:03 AM
By Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka

Man, I just thought of this great new movie idea. It'd be calling "The Haunting of Haunted Hills," and it'd be about this ghost which haunts... get ready here... another ghost! See, this guy moves into a haunted house, and the ghost there ends up killing him. So the guy comes back as a ghost and haunts the ghost who was haunting him! Then a wacky gay couple moves into the home and the ghost tries to haunt them while being haunted by the other ghost! The tagline could be "THIS SUMMER... THE HAUNTER BECOMES THE HAUNTED"! This is probably the best idea I've ever had! Once I stop crying and I can see straight, I'll write this idea down and - oh wait, I can't write anything down, all the sweat from my hands will warp and disintegrate the paper. Oh well, at least Emily likes my ideas.

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Oh good, it gets worse
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 18 - 2:18 AM
By Emily "Integral" Reigel

I hate Rich's ideas. Every single one of them is complete trash that a grade school dropout would come up with while shooting up glue. "The haunter becomes the haunted"? What kind of crap is that? I would be explaining in painful detail just how much I want to pack my bags and get out of this cursed universe he lives in, but I'm too busy listening to him fart nonstop. Seriously, all he does is fart all day, every day. If he had one redeeming characteristic, and annoying traits were considered to be redeeming, his nonstop gas attack would be it and it alone. I'd stick a cork up his grotesque ass, but I'm afraid to get within a 15-foot radius of that thing. If I ever find that gypsy who cursed us to be together forever, I'll tear her limb from limb and implant mosquito eggs into her brain. I don't know if you guys know this story or not, but I was out driving around a year or so ago, and I ran over this gypsy lady's husband. She looked me straight in the eye and said, "you shall suffer for this and you shall suffer in the worst way possible. YOU WILL BECOME ENGAGED TO A WEBMASTER." At that point I blacked out and when I woke up, there was some fat acne-stained tub of sweat hovering over me. I haven't been able to leave this God-forsaken trash heap apartment since, and he keeps me trapped here, watching Lifetime Network movies nonstop. You want to experience hell, folks? Come swing by Washington some time! If I could only lure him outside, I could easily shove him over the railing... oh, who am I kidding? He wouldn't come outside if there was a free donut train parked there.

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hey guys i'm a fag!!!!!!!!1
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 18 - 2:57 AM
By Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons

ahahahahha HELO FOLKS IM ZARCK PARSLONS AND IM A FAGOT!!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!! helo here si my artiacal: WORLD WAR 2 ZOMBIES ATTACKS A THE WHITE HOUSE!!! AHAHAHHAA thats a comedy buffet guys!!!1 I HAEVE CREATED A DIORAMA ABOUT A WORLD WAR IN MY HAIR!!! HAIR HITLER!! AHAHAHAHHahhahahahahahahahaaaaaa

but I am THES KIND OF FAGOT BECUASE I WRITE AN ARTICALS WHEN JEFF K COULD BE UPDATEING AND HIS ARTIACLAEES ARE MUCH MORE HIGHAR QUALITEY THAN MY ZOMBIE ARTICALS!!! jeff K si one dreamy creamery and I wish I was half teh man he si! BUT I am not so I haev too go back to writeing about teh CIVIAL WORLD WAR 2 which had a Japanes biplanes and ATOMIC BOMB!! And germanyes. SO I WILL GO NOW BUT DO NOT FORGETS TAHT I AM TEH FAGOT OF SOEMTHING AWEFUL AND SHOULD BE UPDATEING A CRAPPY SITE LIEK FATHATS.COM!!! WHAHAHAAHAH!!!!

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Oops, just a FYI...
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 18 - 3:21 AM
By Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka

Zack just messaged me to say that somebody is posting as him on his AwfullyLiveJournal entry. I don't know how somebody got his password since it was sent to his email address encrypted and everything, but Zack swears it's not him. Oh well, at least the forums are up.

UPDATE: the forums are down.

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WAHT HEY THIS SI ME AGAIN FOR REAl, IM SACK PARSONS!!!!!!!!1111
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 18 - 4:42 AM
By Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons

SORREY ABOUT THES LAST UPDATE but a smarty man hackXed into my computar machene and COMPROMISED MY COOKIES!!! ahahahahahhahahahaha I fell betrayed and hurt liek when Adrian Carmack told Paul Steeds that he found a new guy too washes his car and PAUL WAS FIRED!!! Now there will be no moer boobies in a ID software games liek DOOM 3 and QUAEK 4: THE RECKONING because Paul owned all of teh boobies and gave them to FRAK.COM!!! grahahahrtharhahraaaaaaaaaaa!!!

okeys, so hear si my update: Jerry si being a fagot liek always and I went ovar too his house yestarday and he was WATCHING A CARTOONS ABOUT A TALKING COW~!!!!! WFT!?!?!? CARTOONS ARE FOR FAGOTS! especially amine because all peopal who watches amine liek too molests teh schoolkids! OH HELO JAPANESE MAN, I CAN TURN INTO A ROBOT, HEAR ARE MY TENTICALS AND THEY TOUCH ALL OF TEH SCHOOLKIDS IN RUDE PLACES!!!! I saw a webpaeg on this Intarnet and it hads all this pictares of amine with penis heads touching the schoolkids, HEY KEEP IT IN YUOR PANTS YOU PREVERTED JAPS!!!! so I saw Jerry and he saids teh porgram was about teh Bibal and his parents were makeing him watch it but tahts a lie because HIS PARENTS ARE CHRISTIANS AND THEY DONT BELIEVES IN TEH BIBAL, THEY BELIEVES IN JESUS so I took a peice of tiling and hit it ovar Jerrys head and he started crying so I jumped threw his window adn BEAT A HASTY RETREAT!!! THIS SI MY UPDATE, I AM ZAP PARSONS, GODBYE AHAHAHAHAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

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That wasn't Zack (again)
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 18 - 4:59 AM
By Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka

I got another ICQ from Zack, telling me that some jerk is still posting as him. I would delete the entries but I don't know how to do that. Could the person posting as Zack just PLEASE stop already? You're ruining our updates and it's really not funny. I told Zack about my "Haunter has become the Haunted" idea but I assume he went offline because he didn't message me back. Wait, now that I think about it, Emily is still talking with him over ICQ, so I guess my messenger program is broken again. I don't understand how it keeps breaking, especially whenever I'm telling people about my cool ideas. Talk about crappy timing. I also don't understand how, when I'm talking to Emily, she says she can't hear me because my ICQ broke. I mean, I'm sitting three feet away from her, what does ICQ have to do with me speaking to her? Then she walks out and I don't hear from her for a few hours or days. Sometimes I hate technology!

Oh, before I go to bed, I'd like to make another AwfullyLiveJournal comment: I think religious intolerance "just isn't cool." All these religious guys should stop being all like "hey you have to be in our religion or else you'll suffer!" and stuff because that's not cool. Let's all respect each other and live life together in peace, okay? I wish everybody could feel this way. I'm glad Emily feels the same way I do.

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The idiot thinks I'm sleeping
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 18 - 5:42 AM
By Emily "Integral" Reigel

I do not feel the same way Rich does. First off, if I did, I'd feel slimy all day because he sweats like a goddamn snowman in hell. Secondly, he has these disgusting hives that never go away. Thirdly, I think he has lice or something because he's always rubbing his head against this chunk of plywood he stole from the Home Depot (yes, he actually left the apartment once! Amazing!). Fourthly... oh God, forget it, I'd be here forever if I were to begin listing all his pathetic shortcomings. If any of you know more about certain hallucinogens which could potentially cause the victim to stab himself to death, please email me. I'm desperate.

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Revenge Shall Be Swift and Soon.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 18 - 12:16 PM
By Josh "Livestock" Boruff

My scientific studies have landed me one step closer to the ultimate gif which will lend me all the otherworldly powers needed to defeat that nefarious nerd Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka. I have discovered a color combination of pixels which, when activated, causes instantaneous brain hemmeraging in the test subject. I have tried this experiment on my fellow hobos occupying car 32, resulting in the tragic expiration of Hank "Bean Soup" Levins and "Lucky Linda." I have stapled photos of that bumbling boob Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka to the face of the corpses and put a printed copy of SA's front page in their pockets. I am one step closer.

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Even in sleep he's obnoxious
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 18 - 3:01 PM
By Emily "Integral" Reigel

The blubbering land mass beneath the covers is sweating. IN HIS SLEEP. WHERE DOES ALL THIS MOISTURE COME FROM? DOES HE SUMMON IT FROM THE GREAT LAKES? He's also rolling around like an idiot and muttering crap about feet. If he wasn't so cheap, I'd smother him with a pillow, but he said that pillows are simply scams created by the medical industry to mess up our backs. And hey, guess what, his back is like a mess of knotted twine! Great thinking there, Professor Jackass! I hope you wake up before 8:00 PM today! You'd set a new record! Hopefully I'll be gone for the momentous occasion, like in another state or country!

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OH LOOKS, ITS TIEM FOR ANOTHAR UPDATE BY ME, ZAX PARSONS!!!!!!!11111
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 18 - 6:29 PM
By Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons

GRababr abrarwl fgpie geghe ag32gh4 flak aooeoeo eofgop gaagghagahahaha ahfepgproirtt FAGOT!!!!

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Good morning ;-)
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 18 - 7:02 PM
By Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka

Sorry about the late update, but I didn't fal asleep for a long time last night. I kept feeling these sharp bursts of pain in my bac, like scorpion stings or something. I'dd turn around and ask Emily if she felt the same thing, but she keptpt saying she didn't and I should go to sleep or at least drink that glas of water she made for me. I don't know why she said she "made" the water for me or why its tinted green, bt I'm not thirsty anyway. I don't know, ever since the 30th or so sting last nigt, my vision's been kind of off, so excuse me if this update has a few spelling errors. I thoght of somthing last night I wanted tto update this AwfulyLivejOrunal about, But I Forget it nnow . oh WAIT, I remeber now, i wanted to say that peopl who are closeminded jsut "arnt cool." just becuse people may dres difrently than you dosnt mean their evil or anythin, so you soudl treat everybdy with respect and wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

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There is a god
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 18 - 7:05 PM
By Emily "Integral" Reigel

Oh dear God, it's finally worked, my prayers have been answered. He's beginning to get cold and I can feel his ham-sized heart slow down as I type this. The Ron Popeil "Bed Scorpion Kit" did as was promised and I may finally be rid of this dead weight. Then maybe I can find a man who has the ability to either physically or mentally please women and I won't have to suffer through another day of this hell.

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You Infernal Wench! Damn You to Hell!
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 18 - 8:28 PM
By Josh "Livestock" Boruff

I just read that Emily "Integral" Reigel did the deed for me and offed that cantankerous crook Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka, making my studies worthless! How dare she! My life's work, all rendered useless, by that one boisterous bitch! She shall soon pay just like they all will. Emily, please do me a favor and open up the email entitled "SPECIAL OFFER - SAVINGS FOR THE CHRISTMAS" which looks like it was sent from my electronic mail account but, in reality, was in fact not. The message will appear to contain an animated gif but that is simply your electronic mail program displaying an error. It does not contain an animated gif. Please do this with the utmost haste, as it requires your immediate attention.

PS: "Slippery Joe" Honda said to inform you that you're "hot" and to ask you the immortal question of "A/S/L?"

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OEN MORE TIEM FOR TEH GOOD LADY LIBARTY, AHAHAHAHHAHA!!!
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 18 - 10:37 PM
By Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons

HEY I SAW THES COOL MOVIE ON TLEEVISIAN CALLED "ERNEST SAVED CRISTMAS" AND IT WAS ABOUT ERNAST WHO SAVED CRISTMAS FROM TEH TROLLS IN A BARN!!! BUT NOW I AM DONE WACHING IT AND I WILL PALAY WARTCRAFT 3 AND PLAY AS UNDEAD BECUASE STARFALL SI FOR FAGORTS!!! HAHAHAH, NIIGHT ELFES ARE A FARCE YOU SLOBBERING DONKEYES!!!! I AM RANKED #1 IN BATTAL.NET AND IF YUO DONT BELEIVE ME THEN YUO CAN GO SWALLOW A BUCKET OF FISH!!! AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH BYE SUCKARS

JEFF K

I MNEAN SACK PARSONS~

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testing
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 18 - 11:52 PM
By Ben "Greasnin" Platt

Woah, wait, we're doing this today, right? How does this wor

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Well this certainly was an exciting success! Stay tuned for future Something Awful updates, none of which will contain anything even remotely like todays! I don't think I need to stress how much of a good thing that is!

Prepare to Get Mad!

Zack "JeffK" Parsons here and with an overflowing sack of controversy! In an all new installment of SA Story Time the always incredible Daring Armstrong takes on the genre of ego-stroking political commentary books. He's crazy so he can't decide whether he's a conservative extremist or a liberal extremist in "Everything I Say is Correct". Either way, you're guaranteed to want to punch his face in!



As you can see by my diagram, the homeless top the charts of energy sources with over 4,000 calories per pound, even more if they are refined! This discovery was monumental and will hopefully revolutionize both the criminal justice system and the power industry. Imagine cars running on clean-burning hobo power, entire cities being lighted for weeks on the energy produced by immolating a single derelict! With a few simple calculations I have determined that my Ford Exhibition will get almost three miles to the pound of hobo meat, almost a thousand times more efficient than diesel fuel!

Oh, he sure is going to piss everybody off with this new book of his. You know you enjoy being enraged, so head on over and get mad at Daring Armstrong's "Everything I Say is Correct"! I know I did!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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