Love him or hate him, this American computer genius man sure knocked it out of the baseball dome with this one! Bill Gates recently shouted at a bunch of high schoolers who were up to no good and imparted to them 11 things our so-called "public" schools will not teach in their touchy-feely classes about unearned self-esteem and calling the police on your stepdad. He talks about how POLITICALLY CORRECT teachings have created a generation of children who cry at the weakest kidney punches and don't understand that the key to life is suffering for the sake of enjoying the few suffering-free moments they may accidentally encounter!
Rule 1: Life is not fair -- I know I've said this before but I can't stress it enough! Don't give me that look!
Rule 2: No one cares about your self-esteem, or your so-called "crippling depression." If you want attention, invent something people need, like a car that's also a boat and doesn't need you to breathe into a tube it before it can start.
Rule 3: You WILL NOT make a living wage directly out of high school. Based on my understanding and exposure to popular movies, it takes at least six months in the mail room before someone notices your spunk and gives you an important-sounding title and matching salary. Then maybe you will have a phone that you can also use in the car, and faxes galore! I'm Bill Gates, by the way.
Rule 4: Still Bill Gates, here. If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you little shits have a boss. Based on your performance, they can legally kill you with hunger.
Rule 5: Minimum wage jobs are not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different name for clearing the Carl's Jr. parking lot of spent hypodermic needles: they called it opportunity. You might also call it hepatitis, so let's hope you deserve health care to clear that up! (Contact your district manager for an official refusal.)
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's your fault -- NOT YOUR PARENTS'. I don't want to hear about how you lost your softball game so your stepdad didn't pick you up and a stray dog mauled you on the walk home. This is an anecdote that I, Bill Gates, heard once. Really sympathized with the stepdad on that one.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your dad, or preferably, stepdad, was much cooler than he is today. He got so "boring" from being forced to pay for your constant meals, being obligated by the state to keep you indoors, and letting you interfere with his drinking while fishing hobby. So before you save those precious superfund sites from the parasites of your parents' generation, why not try cleaning the dirty laundry from under your bed? Those two ideas are completely unrelated, but I think you get the idea.
Rule 8: Your school may abide by the disgusting liberal principal of "respecting the dignity of others," but that doesn't mean the working world won't seek to destroy any remaining hint of your pride at a moment's notice. Live in constant fear and contempt of any other human being, never quite trusting your own judgment enough to feel the lie of "confidence" planted in your weak minds by the collectivist devils at the Children's Television Workshop. The world will hate you for being young, and rightfully so.
Rule 9: Real life does not have summer vacations! So while all of you teens "chill out" at the "youth arcades," employers are actively noting your slothfulness and tendencies toward enjoyment. If you can't kill the pain of a job at the end of a day with a 12-pack of the lite beer of your choice, it's not worth having. Even Bill Gates, celebrity computer man, knows that.
Rule 10: TELEVISION IS NOT REAL LIFE. In real life, people don't own hilarious aliens that also eat cats, and they certainly don't live with randy senior citizens in Florida. Social security benefits could not possibly pay for such a lush condominium lifestyle and the resulting condom budget, nor should it.
Rule 11: Be nice to your stepdad. Odds are, you'll be doing menial tasks for him one day. For instance, I know a rowdy teen named Dylan who still needs to unload the dishwasher. This is Bill Gates, signing out.
Are you ready to be consistently depressed by how you're throwing your money and life away? Check out Loot Crate's 2015 lineup of upcoming crates!
The Internet is obsessed with the new trailer for Brazilian Star Wars part 2. We break down the action for insight into the upcoming film.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.