Lillian's Opinion, submitted by Joe. Making fun of someone with actual brain damage would be a new low for me. Normally, I'd look down on anyone who would stoop to insulting anyone with such a serious and tragic problem. In this case, however, I'm more than willing to drop down to that level, and you know what? I could definitely go lower. In fact, I feel perfectly justified in bringing Lillian Watson and her insane website to light.
The short version of Lillian's story goes something like this: she got silicone breast implants back in 1977 and started feeling sick and irritable six months later. Eighteen years later, she decided to do something about it. After some doctors confirmed that her implants had leaked and could have caused brain damage, she got onboard a class-action lawsuit that looked like a winner. Represented by the law offices of White and Meany, it looked like she had a good thing going. Then she and her lawyers decided to get out of that case and go on their own and she basically ended up getting screwed over. So, in all her demented wisdom, Lillian decided she could best help other women who also have absolutely no legal, medical, or common sense by creating one of the most horrid websites I've ever seen.
I'm not going to say the doctors and lawyers didn't give Lillian a bum deal, because they certainly did. On the other hand, in her pages upon pages upon pages of exposition about her entire ordeal, Lillian tends to ignore the parts where she actually had to make decisions and elaborates on the parts where other parties took action for her. There's really no use assessing just how helpful or unhelpful this site could be to women with leaking breast implants, though. Whether or not her brain damage made her this way, Lillian is so far out in left field, she can't even remember what home plate looks like. You can piece together the actual facts from her random babblings if you're so inclined, as she has copied every single piece of paper even remotely pertaining to her case, including cover letters with no information on them whatsoever and posted all of them on the site for public viewing. The centerpiece of the site, though, is the section containing Lillian's artwork.
JUMP! Lilly, JUMP! We can fly!
Fly my ass, I don't know who or what you are but you got your panty liner on upside down! When I get to the other side I'm going to beat the crap out of you for eternity.....count on it....in the mean time I'm going to see a priest and rabbi and medicine man.
Can somebody please interpret this for me? Or at the very least, could someone explain to me how this is supposed to help women with leaky implants? Or maybe how it makes the law offices of White and Meany look incompetent, which is one of the main purposes of the site? Seriously, someone throw me a bone, here. There are tons of pictures and indecipherable captions like this one, each over its own retina-grating background. Check out this site if you're so inclined. And be sure to look out for an animated gif of the hero from Doom! Always a sign of quality legal advice!
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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