It can be difficult to know when is the best time to wear your Bluetooth earpiece. There are no instructions about when it is appropriate in the manual and nobody has written an authoritative guide, until now. I don't actually own a Bluetooth earpiece, but by observing the usage of Bluetooth earpieces in "the wild" I have put together some times when I have never seen someone wearing one and times when I have frequently seen people wearing a Bluetooth.
|You are driving in your car on the highway and you do not want to cause an accident.||You are screaming in Russian at a dog in your yard and waving your arms so your Nets jersey keeps exposing your jiggling belly.|
|You want to talk to a client while you are jogging and using your hands to carry weights to improve your cardio burn.||You want to talk to a TV reporter about a fatal shooting on your street while you are using your hands to carry a baby.|
|You are typing up a customer's information while speaking to them on the phone.||You are yelling about Obama after coming in second-to-last on Hardhat Team Deathmatch because of your noob faggot team and the other team using hacks.|
|You want to discuss the weekend's plans with your friend, but you need both hands for rinsing and chopping vegetables for a salad.||You want to yell about the severity of your herpes outbreak with your friend, but you need both hands to prepare omelettes at Waffle House.|
|You are giving advice to your nephew.||You are giving your nephew's eulogy.|
|You are attending a sporting event and don't want to miss the chance to catch a foul ball.||You are attending a job interview and don't want to miss the chance to talk to Christy about why Daunte don't take care of that baby. He know it his.|
|You do most of your work on the road and you need to be able to receive information from the home office whether you are on the road or have your hands full.||You don't have a job. You have never had a job. Your parents are supporting your habits while you lay on the couch and yell at guildmates on Teamspeak about how you're really quitting the guild this time because of what ChaosHobbit said after you logged out early from the raid.|
|Changing a diaper while talking to a pediatrician.||Letting your baby walk around dragging a giant diaper like a sack of rocks while talking to your sister about how your mother doesn't help you out with the baby enough.|
|At an elegant costume ball.||Drunk at a bar and trying to start a fight with some guy named Tito you thought was dancing with your girlfriend while you were in the bathroom upchucking a dozen cranberry juice vodkas.|
|When you are getting off a helicopter to meet with a CEO of a Japanese mega corporation about data chips.||When you are getting off the Red Line to meet with a guy named Ceo in a vacant lot about a type of cocaine called Data Chips.|
|Any time you are wearing a suit and tie.||Any time you are wearing running shorts.|
|Always. They are ridiculous. Nobody talks on the phone so much they need to stuff something up their ear to do it.||Always. At all times. You are cyber future man. You are Mr. Important. Got to get them calls.|
If you have any additions for the list, please let me know. This is a living document meant to reflect these changing times.
Zack Parsons wants you to know that he wrote a novel and he thinks you would like it. Reading a book is the wrong time to wear a Bluetooth. You need to wear it while listen to an audiobook and scream at the guy who plays loose with the word "decorative" when it comes to Highlander swords on Craigslist.
Sir Mix-a-Lot's classic follow up to "Baby Got Back" has serious unintended consequences.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
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