Drop Your Pants and Prepare to be Boarded!
Hello! Al Derby here, and boy, do I have an exciting guest update for you! I'm afraid Lowtax isn't around today, as the FBI called him last night and he's busy moving his collection of stolen human body parts to a more secure location. I'm glad to be able to make your Wednesday just that extra bit more disagreeable, so gird up your loins, shock the monkey, and check out today's parade of poisonous offal:
Fat Bitch Wanna EAT!
Researchers into juvenile obesity have made the following unforeseen and shocking discovery: kids who eat a lot of fast food, fried chicken, classmates, and other high-calorie foods run the risk of become overweight. But wait, there's more! They've even devised a test which apparently determines which kids will grow up to be hideously overweight and which kids will instead grow up to be really hideously overweight, repulsive, blubbery mountains of flab. Enjoy your colon hydrotherapy, fatso:
It's strange because I was under the impression that the reason some kids get fat is not that their brains are producing too much trinitroglycerine or whatever the hell they produce, but rather that the kids in question are, on a daily basis, stuffing their greasy, swollen guts with enough high-fat junk food to kill a fully-grown bull elephant. Call me Mr 1960s Weight Therapist, but it seems quite obvious to me that if you eat a metric ton of donuts with every meal, you're likely to gain a little bit weight. I propose that we stop funding research which indicates buying your lunch from McDonalds will immediately turn you into a waddling human flab-vacuum, and instead use the money to ship all our obese children to impoverished African states. Their grossly bloated gaping maws will instantly consume the starving, third-world children and peasants, and soon the entire population of food-deprived natives will rest in the bellies of fat Western children. Bam, the problem of world hunger has been solved. Thank you and please drive through.
The Doctor is In!
Oh my! Lock up your daughters, Doctor Ron's in town! This ICQ smoothie has become Lowtax's latest victim this new ICQ prank. Ron is a veritable fountain of medical knowledge, or perhaps a leaking waste pipe at least. Also, he is not to be discouraged in his gallant attempts to A/S/L his way into Lowtax's heart. Get ready for some hot action like you've never seen (outside an AOL chatroom)!
Wow, what a dreamboat! Check out the prank, and learn how your children could also be at risk from the lethal Hair Virus.
New Bjornar B Artwork Depicting... Something
Yes, you read it, the inimitable Bjornar B has updated his site with some truly... incredible... things. His work is displaying some darker themes of late, as you can see by his new drawings including the long-awaited crucifixion of Donald Duck (I think). As if that wasn't enough, there is also a new comic which details the complex and intriguing circumstances by which Uncle Jubalon got fat. I don't mind admitting that Uncle Jubalon scares the hell of out me, and this comic has probably set my psychotherapy course back by at least 6 months.
Also, there appear to be some pictures of the master himself, which I for one could certainly not have continued living without. Not only can you now see Uncle Jubalon going through the ice (don't ask me), you can also be inspired by Bjornar B himself in "chair of the nature powers." Damned if I know what the hell is going on, but it will probably give me nightmares regardless.
The Mushroom interviews Jeff K!
Jeff K makes the news once again - is there no stopping him?!? An exclusive interview by The Mushroom's Kevin Weiser shows Jeff K's monumental soul laid bare. Revealing such pearls of wisdom as these:
And that's not all, not by a long way! I won't pretend that I can figure out what exclusive and / or exciting information this interview discloses, but I'm sure it's in there somewhere. Read the interview, slobbergoat!
In case you read my profile online and got excited, I wanted to clear up any misunderstandings.
In a Something Awful exclusive, we reveal the true state of Darren Wilson after his harrowing encounter with Michael Brown.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.