Drop Your Pants and Prepare to be Boarded!

Hello! Al Derby here, and boy, do I have an exciting guest update for you! I'm afraid Lowtax isn't around today, as the FBI called him last night and he's busy moving his collection of stolen human body parts to a more secure location. I'm glad to be able to make your Wednesday just that extra bit more disagreeable, so gird up your loins, shock the monkey, and check out today's parade of poisonous offal:

Fat Bitch Wanna EAT!

Researchers into juvenile obesity have made the following unforeseen and shocking discovery: kids who eat a lot of fast food, fried chicken, classmates, and other high-calorie foods run the risk of become overweight. But wait, there's more! They've even devised a test which apparently determines which kids will grow up to be hideously overweight and which kids will instead grow up to be really hideously overweight, repulsive, blubbery mountains of flab. Enjoy your colon hydrotherapy, fatso:

Scientists say such a test already works in lab rats, revealing which ones will become obese if given access to the rodent equivalent of limitless hamburgers, potato chips and fried chicken. She and other scientists believe that too much fat in the diet -- probably anything more than 30 percent of the day's intake of calories -- triggers weight gain by prompting the body to store new fat and making it crave still more fat to eat. While such a system may have helped people survive when food was chronically scarce, it leads to rampant obesity when fat-loaded food and sugary soft drinks are cheap and available everywhere.

It's strange because I was under the impression that the reason some kids get fat is not that their brains are producing too much trinitroglycerine or whatever the hell they produce, but rather that the kids in question are, on a daily basis, stuffing their greasy, swollen guts with enough high-fat junk food to kill a fully-grown bull elephant. Call me Mr 1960s Weight Therapist, but it seems quite obvious to me that if you eat a metric ton of donuts with every meal, you're likely to gain a little bit weight. I propose that we stop funding research which indicates buying your lunch from McDonalds will immediately turn you into a waddling human flab-vacuum, and instead use the money to ship all our obese children to impoverished African states. Their grossly bloated gaping maws will instantly consume the starving, third-world children and peasants, and soon the entire population of food-deprived natives will rest in the bellies of fat Western children. Bam, the problem of world hunger has been solved. Thank you and please drive through.

The Doctor is In!

Oh my! Lock up your daughters, Doctor Ron's in town! This ICQ smoothie has become Lowtax's latest victim this new ICQ prank. Ron is a veritable fountain of medical knowledge, or perhaps a leaking waste pipe at least. Also, he is not to be discouraged in his gallant attempts to A/S/L his way into Lowtax's heart. Get ready for some hot action like you've never seen (outside an AOL chatroom)!

Ron - ASL?

Lowtax - Yes Ron, ASL indeed. Hey, I've got a couple questions for you since you're a doctor and everything.

Ron - naw, I'm not a dfoctor, my dads a doctor, I want to be a doctor so I'm going to go too school to study to be a doctor.

Lowtax - A doctor? Doctor? Doctor?

Ron - What?

Lowtax - Did you mention something about a doctor? I don't remember, sorry.

Ron - Yeh Im going too be a doctor

Lowtax - Gotcha, a doctor.

Ron - Yeh. ASL?

Wow, what a dreamboat! Check out the prank, and learn how your children could also be at risk from the lethal Hair Virus.

New Bjornar B Artwork Depicting... Something

Yes, you read it, the inimitable Bjornar B has updated his site with some truly... incredible... things. His work is displaying some darker themes of late, as you can see by his new drawings including the long-awaited crucifixion of Donald Duck (I think). As if that wasn't enough, there is also a new comic which details the complex and intriguing circumstances by which Uncle Jubalon got fat. I don't mind admitting that Uncle Jubalon scares the hell of out me, and this comic has probably set my psychotherapy course back by at least 6 months.

Also, there appear to be some pictures of the master himself, which I for one could certainly not have continued living without. Not only can you now see Uncle Jubalon going through the ice (don't ask me), you can also be inspired by Bjornar B himself in "chair of the nature powers." Damned if I know what the hell is going on, but it will probably give me nightmares regardless.

The Mushroom interviews Jeff K!

Jeff K makes the news once again - is there no stopping him?!? An exclusive interview by The Mushroom's Kevin Weiser shows Jeff K's monumental soul laid bare. Revealing such pearls of wisdom as these:


6: Would you like to make any comments about the recent 3dfx buyout?

no

7: What programs do you use to make your page and comics? If I get them (legally, of course!), will I be as l33t as you?

SHUT UP

8: How do you feel video game violence affects today's youth? Do you think proper parenting is the most important part to a young person's development, or does the media play a more prominent role?

GHCK2

9: If you had 5,000$ to spend on the ultimate gaming rig, what would you buy?

A BETAR COMPUTAR MACHENE AND A SNOY OPLAYSTATIAN 3

10: If you met CliffyB in the mall, what would you do?

vomit

And that's not all, not by a long way! I won't pretend that I can figure out what exclusive and / or exciting information this interview discloses, but I'm sure it's in there somewhere. Read the interview, slobbergoat!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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