Make Me Money! Make Me #1! Say "No" to Hitler!

So you'd like to "give something back" to Something Awful, the website which has given you so much in the past (we've given out things like headaches, vomiting, dizziness, and many other symptoms synonymous with motion sickness), yet you have no idea how. You've got a check made for $500,000, but you can't seem to find my home address to mail this donation. You're dying to find a way to say "thank you" for the nonstop "Punch the Monkey" ads and endless columns about why my cat has brain damage. In addition, you're interested in downloading some high-energy electronica music that will get your body moving like an epileptic throw into a live electrical grid. So what are you going to do?

Simple. Download the newest ARC / Something Awful mp3! I've finished up my first professional track in the past four months and slapped it up on mp3.com for download. Now you can download some interesting, original, intense electronic music while giving me a few cents to purchase bread and handguns. Head on over to mp3.com and download my newest track, "Inner Atmosphere."For added emphasis, let me print the word "download" once again: "download."

It's a win-win situation! You get new music, I get enough spare change to afford a round-trip vacation to my kitchen, and the Earth takes one step closer towards world peace and harmony. This is truly a steal of the century. To reinforce the fact that I would greatly enjoy it if you were to download this mp3, let me take the opportunity to create another link in very large bold text:

DOWNLOAD THE LATEST SOMETHING AWFUL MP3!

People who refuse to download this mp3 make Baby Jesus cry, and the last time Baby Jesus cried, Hitler ended up rising to power. You don't want Hitler to rise to power again, do you? Well granted, seeing Hitler's skeleton roaming across the countryside would be pretty damn hilarious, especially if he still had that goofy little mustache. Haha, what a dumb mustache.

Steal of the Century, Part 2!

Speaking of "steals of the century," AwfulVideo (the newest branch of multimedia idiocy) is proud to announce our first contribution to the world of online video, "Steal of the CENTURY!" This exciting, action packed movie introduces the newest competitor in the world of home shopping channels, as Joe P. and Nick Q. serve up the hottest and spiciest collectible deals for your lucky asses! Today's movie is part one of the first show, and merely introduces the two hosts and the fantastic deals that await in later videos. Grab a copy of the video here:

Look for the actual television show to start sometime in the near future, as soon as Joe P. and Nick Q. figure out how to turn the camera back on again.

Backyard Wrestling for Fun and Profit

The unsung heroes of various backyard wrestling leagues across the nation have once again banded together and produced another highly informative and educational column of "Backyard Love," the only article which offers love and relationship advice from real backyard wrestlers. Today's column features advice from Raymond "Diamond Doily" Dansworth, MC Caucasian Ghost, FUCK YOU NINJA!!!, Revolutionary Scarecrow, and El Terror De Fuego. Check it out before these fit and fine wrestlers hunt you down and begin to jump on your trampoline.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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