Prior to the invention of modern conveniences such as strip malls, the Internet, and /pizza, man had to rely on mail-order catalogs to acquire vital supplies. As it happens, my family happened to run one of the most successful of these catalogs. Partnered with the despicable Davies family (not so much a family as a gang of pirates, opium addicts, and gamblers), my forebears provided this developing nation with furniture, tools, clothes, seeds, and countless other essential items.
With that in mind, I present to you another chapter from a newly recovered Boruff & Davies Catalogue.
No. 13 Tubular Silos
A bounty of silos! Our warehouses are simply overflowing with tubular silos such that we can scarcely store our many other products. Thus we invite you to help us help you! For a mere pittance of their normal price, you can purchase in quantity a collection of fine tubular silos. How you employ these great and beautiful structures is entirely at your discretion. Use them to house your most precious grain, imprison unruly children or for storing your grand menagerie of birds. We include no moral judgment in the sale price. $1000.00 for 5 tubular silos.
No. 45 Arc de Triomphe
Constructed in rousing tribute to all the men who have fought for France, this fantastic arch is the perfect addition to any monument collection. The Boruff & Davies Catalogue Company is pleased to offer this historic landmark at an unprecedented discount. As it is certain to attract attention from many collectors and interested parties, we encourage you to purchase without hesitation. $2,450,000.00. Buyer assumes all shipping responsibilities.
No. 203 Charles M. Donnelly
As we no longer require the services of this awful man, we wish to offer him for sale to our dear readers. We offer him for sale at a price we believe more than fair considering his pristine physical conditon. Please note that the sale of Mr. Charles M. Donnelly comes with this caveat: he is quite possibly the worst human being alive. Rude, dull and prone to interrupting your most pressing speeches with imbecilic observations, he is certain to test even the most patient and pious of men. Aside from his many flaws, which are simply too numerous to document in full, he is a qualified accountant and possesses a lovely singing voice. $299.00.
No. 102 The "Bonnie"
We are pleased to present an artifact as wretched as it is astonishing! This bicycle defies all expectations, for no part of it is readily comprehensible. Constructed by a man so besought by mental illness as to frequently consume his own bodily excretions, this bicycle serves only to maim and mutilate its rider. There is little we could say to paint the "Bonnie" in a positive light, save for its impeccable craftsmanship and labyrinthian design. It is unlikely that any man will ever outlive or outwit this horrible abomination. $150.00.
No. 14 The Full-Body Toilet
As this device provides complete coverage of the gentleman's body, save for the head, he may use it even in social situations without fear of disgrace. Indeed, the device's finely crafted exterior will conceal all bodily function, allowing him to carry out his most personal enterprise while still remaining within sight of the world. The gentleman shall find that his waste has been dutifully collected in the small, removable pot located beneath the seat. This pot may be cleaned or replaced at his leisure. The quality and durability of this apparatus has been attested to by men whose bowels flow without modesty. $95.00.
No. 642 Treacherous Babies
Abandoned by their parents for acts of unrepentant treachery, these seemingly mundane babies are wont to beguile even the most mindful of guardians. Through clever ruses, bewildering ploys and alarming schemes, they weave intricate webs of intrigue and deceit, bringing about financial ruin, mental anguish and great shame. Soft, hardy and ready to withstand even the most vigorous of beatings. $30.00 per baby.
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
Buy three Epic Loot Crates for only $7.99, get a free fourth loot crate for only $2.99!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.