Where Are They Now?
Scenic Gary, Indiana: my investigation's base of operations.I love those specials on E! or the History channel or whichever network shows them that explain what happened to the child actors who were on hit TV shows or in hit movies but then disappeared off the face of the earth. Unfortunately, those shows only cover a select few child actors. It's always Gary Coleman, that gnome from Webster, and Mikey from the life commercials; who give a fuck? We all know Gary Coleman beats up women and worked as a security guard, Mikey robbed a liquor store and was shot to death, and Webster died when a fat woman sat on him. What about all the child actors from lesser-known but still popular movies and TV?
I am here to answer these questions for all of you loyal readers. I put together a crack investigative team and took out a line of credit for expenses on my Something Awful business credit card. Rich may say something about that expense list, but he is just a busy body. Those strippers, massage artists, party magicians, and caterers were all vital to the investigation. It turns out that almost all has-been child actors go to live in the city of Gary, Indiana. What they do there varies widely, but that stink pit must be some sort of magnet that instead of attracting iron attracts shitty child actors. It also happens to have a lot of strip clubs, massage parlors, party magicians, and catering services, but that was just an aid to my investigation. Purely coincidental!
Erin Murphy (Tabitha Stephens on "Bewitched")
Celebrity: Erin was on the classic TV sitcom "Bewitched" that centered on a witch with magical powers who caused all kinds of mischief for an Astronaut or something. It had the guy from Dallas in it too. Erin played "Tabitha", their daughter who inherited her mother's magical powers. The show was on in the late 1930's. After Bewitched was cancelled for themes that endorsed communism, Erin was blacklisted and never again appeared on stage or screen.Erin Murphy in 2001 at an Aryan Brotherhood rally.What she's doing now: Erin is a homemaker, a beautiful and intelligent mother of three children. With the help of her Norwegian husband Sven Bjornsen she is trying her best to raise her family as good National Socialists and Aryan heir apparent to the throne currently occupied by Jewish untermensch. When not working on her web site about the Zionist World Order, she can be found signing autographs at various hate-related fundraisers and bake sales and is fond of participating in mass beatings of minorities. She belongs to the PTA and the Aryan Brotherhood of Gary, Indiana where she is ranked as a "Terror Frau" and "Storm Sister".
Biggest Achievement: In 1999 Erin was awarded the Iron Cross 1st Class for a hit and run accident in which she killed a woman whose mother may or may not have been of Jewish ancestry. She was also given the spider-web and crosshairs tattoo symbolizing her 1st ethnic minority kill. She wears both with the same pride she has in her award-winning apple pie or her ability to tie a noose.
Jeremy Miller (Benjamin Seaver on "Growing Pains")
Celebrity: "Growing Pains" was one of the hottest shows of the 1980's with heart throb hunks like Alan Thicke giving American women all manner of palpitations. Jeremy was quickly lost in the shuffle and very few episodes even featured subplots about his character Benjamin Seaver. After three years of lobbying Miller finally got a main plot about Benjamin worked into the script, but his "molested by gay coach" plotline failed to win the hearts of the ladies and made him a pariah on the set. His increasingly confused sexuality led to bouts of heavy drinking and "huffing" before the show was finally cancelled. The cast of "Growing Pains" largely blamed Miller for the show's ultimate failure and he was never invited to their hip parties. Three weeks after the show was cancelled, Thicke's agent put out a press release stating "Alan Thicke will never work again with that cocksucking faggot Jeremy Miller" and when Thicke talks, Hollywood listens.Jeremy Miller caught by a brave photographer consuming one of his victims in Fall of 2001.What he's doing now: Shortly after "Growing Pains" closed up shop, Miller's parents took him to see a psychologist. He was diagnosed with "fringe sexuality syndrome" or FSD for short. A rare physiological disorder, FSD is detectable as an abnormality in brain tissue that drives the sufferer to always identify his sexuality with what is considered just outside the norm for society. Homosexuality was ceasing to be considered a perversion by the 80s and it was during the show's run that Miller turned away from it and into his next perversion; "yiffing". Miller conscripted the prop department to make him a special rabbit suit that allowed him to be anally penetrated while it was being worn. Just recently, with the growing popularity (and reduced shock value) of Furry culture, Miller has turned away from his beloved fursuits and has taken up fetishistic cannibalism. He is currently on the run from law enforcement agents in Gary, Indiana for several counts of murder and abuse of a corpse.
Biggest Achievement: In 2001 Jeremy Miller murdered and ate a family of four in a single sitting.
Jodie Sweetin (Stephanie Tanner on "Full House")
Celebrity: Jodie began her career, as many child actors do, in the commercial business. At the tender age of five she began doing advertisements for Super Polygrip Junior, a brand of denture adhesive marketed to physically abused or particularly clumsy children. Her ads we so successful that they caught the attention of TV producer and comedian Bob Saget, who was casting for his show "Full House" which he described as a "hellish freakshow of a family living together in a house". Jodie was perfect for the role of middle daughter Stephanie Tanner. Her work on the show was very well received and the cast got along very well together, despite repeated accidents on that set that knocked out her remaining nine teeth. When the show was finally retired, Jodie found herself down on her luck.Jodie "Honey" Sweetin and Hustler kingpin Larry Flynt in love in 2000.What she's doing now: Two years passed from the time Full House ended its run and Jodie's next appearance in a video production, this time "Girl's Night Out" an amateur lesbian softcore porno produce for Cinemax. Her simulated moves caught the eye of Hustler porn-baron Larry Flynt, who cripple-rolled his way into her heart with repeated gifts. Finally, she agreed to date him and agreed to his five picture box-cover deal to star in her own series of pornographic movies. She now resides in Gary, Indiana, where she runs a small production studio co-owned by Flynt called "Honey Sweetin's First Ass Productions". The two are frequently seen together and she tends to do his talking for him, you know, since he talks like he's got a whole grapefruit shoved in his throat.
Biggest Achievement: Definitely her 2002 straight-to-video instant classic "Honey Sweetin's 1000 Mile Fuxtravaganza". Although critics have said she failed to actually have intercourse with 1000 men, Sweetin defiantly insists that she is the ultimate gangbang queen and that Houston and Annabelle Chong are "fucking lying cunts" who "wouldn't know a 1000-man gangbang if it rolled through their bucket-like assholes". She is also supposedly in talks with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen to produce their first adult video on their eighteenth birthday.
Todd Bridges (Willis Jackson on "Diff'rent Strokes")
Celebrity: Bridges starred on the smash hit sitcom "Diff'rent Strokes" which ran from 1978-1997 or maybe 1987, I'm not sure, my facts on that are a little vague. What I do know is that Bridges was trouble on the set from day one, repeatedly sassing directors, crew members, and even fellow cast members. Stunted ebony cherub Gary Coleman referred to Bridges in his 1991 tell-all book "This is What I'm Talkin' Bout Willis" as "the meanest thing since calculated averages." When the show's run ended, Bridges had a reputation to deal with in Hollywood, so he sought work Off-Broadway. From "Fiddler on the Roof" to "Grease" Bridges became a fan favorite. He gradually worked his way into the coveted role of the Phantom in a Broadway production of Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Phantom of the Opera".The last known photograph of Todd Bridges, circa 2001.What he's doing now: Todd Bridges had a bad attitude that proved to be his ultimate undoing. During his second season on Broadway as the phantom he was signing autographs following a performance. He made a comment to a gentleman in an elaborate robe and pointed hat that angered the man greatly; and the man turned out to be a powerful wizard. The wizard immediately cast a spell on Bridges that transformed him into a large caterpillar. Trapped in this body and unable to communicate his thoughts without horrifying the human race, Bridges escaped into the woods of Gary, Indiana. He makes his home there in the trees, chewing quietly on leaves and waiting for the heartless apathetic deity some men know as God to finally reclaim his bloated and speckled body.
Biggest Achievement: While Bridges is forever sentenced to his soft, lumpy, many-legged form, he still has aspirations (as do we all) to one day spread his wings and fly. In 2000 Bridges managed to construct a hanging chrysalis from his own saliva and excreted waste. After spending three weeks cocooned beneath a poplar branch, Bridges grew frustrated. Mad with hunger as well, he chewed his way out, but the chrysalis remains where it is, a grotesque monument to his sad condition.
I wasn't able to research a full profile on everyone I attempted to cover. That Will Robinson kid from Lost in Space disappeared into some sort of nerd vortex and was never heard from again. The entire cast of "Just the Ten of Us" was taken hostage by Basque Separatists while filming a reunion episode in Spain, they were never heard from again. Danny Pintauro, the little kid from "Who's the Boss?", was edited from every episode of the series and replaced with a green-screen version of an adult Alyssa Milano in lycra cat suits. As to what happened to him after the show stopped taping, I can only theorize that he met a fate shockingly similar to Todd Bridges.
Then there's Wil Wheaton, reviled space nerd from Star Track. Why won't he just die, or melt, or turn into a ghost version of himself that gets eaten by a Pac Man version of Mr. T? I can't answer that question and neither could hundreds of hours of painstaking research in Gary, Indiana.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Did you know that you only use 10% of your brain? You may have heard that before. But what if you could use 100%? YOU CAN!
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
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