Jeff K.'s weekly column, appropriately entitled "Ask Jeff K.", deals with all the issues that affect all hardcore gamers and l33t haX0rs out there. If you have a question you'd like to ask, feel free to mail it in. Every letter printed here is in fact real and has actually been sent to Jeff; not a single email has been fabricated or created by the staff.

Let me repeat that again for the sake of emphasis: All of these emails have really been submitted to Jeff K. by real people and have NOT been made up or forged in any way.

oh BOY i gots a lots of emales from my last column so here is anothar column for u were I respond to verious emales i got from question heads, SMARTY MEN, and wanabe cracker!s!!! AND ADVICE TOO

From: Main user of the system
Subject: Your free 'nitmick' site

Funny, I've never heard of this Kevin Nitmick... IT'S KEVIN MITNICK YOU FOOL!!!!

ahem, pardon me. And anybody who claims to be 133t is obviously some crap script kiddie.

1. Network Crackers: A mail bomb can be done outside of a network. A DoS attack is a denial of service attack and does not mean you have to do it from DOS

You can't login to AOL from DOS.

2. Mousewheel: I say like huh???

3. Use windows 95: er, yeah right. It takes me under 30 seconds to crack windows 95. I've personally got linux and a firewall - immune to viruses and DoS attacks.

2. Software Hackers: A software hacker is someone who writes code, not breaks it. That is called a cracker. Linus Trovald is a software Hacker, Alan Cox is a software hacker, someone who cracks paint shop pro is a software cracker.

3. Virus men: Use linux.

>>change your windows background to teh blue color! if u use
>>black as your default color, virsus can get in
>>and youll never nOticed them!!!

What the hell???

I am vary sorrie, apparently i wrote to much informatian for yuor peelike braine to comprihand! LET ME attampt to explane it againe for yuo, DOCTOR ROCKET SURGEON Expart sissy:

1. network crackers can break yuor network unless yuo use LUNIX of WINDOWS NT. useing lunix in windows NT makes a "shell account" and then you get W00T acess and then the network crackerz dont know whats going on? Why? becuase you use BACK DOOR TRAPS! Like thes:

1. Network cracX0r logs in, hes lookin for paswoords OH NO DONT STEAL MY CREDAT CARD NUMBER MEAN MR. HAX0R!!!@ (JOKE IS ON HIM, I AM PREPARED FOR TEH ATTACK AS YUO SHALL SEE)
2. i have installed a back door trap for him, so when he looks for pasword, HE IS REWIRED AND HIS DATA PACKITS FALL OUT OF THE JOYSTICK PORT ONTO THE FLOOR WHERE THEY DISOLVE
3. cybar police are called in to investiagate. they trace the network craXXX0r and then send a virtaul packet sniffar to serve justice like JUDGE DREAD!

2. MOUSEWHEEL is in teh midle of your mouse, Mr. ROCKET SURGEON! it si teh wheel that makes the screen moeve. DUH. next thing i know yuo will want me too explaine what yuor testicales do!!! I dont know, i think they digest food.

3. WOW! YOU ARE CERTAINELY 373373737373733L33T MR. INTELLECT PERSON! 30 seconds to crack Windows, WOW, i want to molest yuor firewall and fondel your Lunix Mr. Intellecteual SUPERHERO!

3. virus men are bad. DO NOT DOWNLOAD HAPPY99.EXE, IT SI A VIRUS AND DOES NOT MAEK YOU HAPPY!!!!

4. shut up


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