These folks didn't know what they wanted to do with their lives. Now they are sticking their fingers up cat's assholes for a living. Don't let this happen to you!Like many people my age I have been very depressed lately. Many young people have no idea what they want to do in life. This creates a feeling of restlessness and anxiety. And why shouldn't it? You need to choose a trade and choose it fast or else you'll be expressing cat's anal glands for the rest of your life. This must be done when a cat's anal sacs are not properly flushed out of all the fluid that builds up in them over time. Anal glands secrete fluid that cats use to mark their territory. Considered vestigial in domesticated cats, the fluid can build up and pop the sacs creating an infection and possibly death similiar to an apendix burst. The stuff that comes out of these cats smells like cottage cheese left out in the California sun for a day and then mixed in with dogshit and sweat from fat women who enjoy reading the Harry Potter series. You think the veterinarian does this? Fuck no. They grab poor homeless folks and communication majors off the street and make them shove their fingers up the cat's asshole. And that's going to be you pretty soon if you don't figure out what the hell you want to do with your life. A lot of people will tell you, "Oh don't worry. You have a lot of time to figure out what your calling is in life. I'm 40 and I still don't know what to do with my life!" Well, have you ever noticed that these are the same people teaching philosophy at the local community college by day and then bagging your groceries by night? If you don't know what your ultimate purpose is in life by the time you turn 21 then you need to pick something and pick it fast. When I turned 20 the question hit me like a ton of bricks, "Just what the hell are you going to be Spokker Jones?" After several stints in the sex toy industry selling dog shaped dildos I figured out exactly what I want to do with my life. I want to find fault with everything and anything that someone else has created, and then rip it to shreds despite the fact I've done nothing creative in the last millennium. This is what drives most talk radio personalities. You need to have a passion in complaining to make it in the talk radio business. Bitching, moaning, and groaning, sometimes about shit you don't even care about. That's what I want to do in life. And it starts here.

Well Christmas has come and gone, at least by the time you read this article. I planned for this update to be posted today because I hope that most of you will be burnt out and frustrated at how badly the holiday went. This is the perfect mood to be in for my award-winning cynicism and inhuman cold-heartedness. I mean, who else could find fault with a charity organization that offers sick children the chance to play video games and feel what it's like to be a fat lonely nerd before they die? That's right, the good folks over at Penny Arcade have once again guilt tripped gamers into buying shitty games for sick children because some wannabe journalist made them feel bad. The organization in question is Child's Play which is run by internet superstars Tycho Holkins and Gabe Krahulik. The two are best known for breaking the story that Xbox controllers are indeed large on their popular website Penny Arcade. For those that don't know Penny Arcade is an unfunny webcomic that points out foibles in the video game industry. It's also the greatest webcomic of all time. How can that be? How can something be so monumentally unfunny and still be the "greatest" of something? One need only to visit the thousands of other unfunny, crappy, and just plain boring webcomics that permeate through this great land we call the internet. Which one do you want to read, the one about the guy who pretends he is Japanese or the one that's unreadable? Some of these webcomics have jokes about playing massively multiplayer RPGs for Christ's sake. GEE IT'S SO HARD TO FIND SOMETHING TO WEAR WHEN YOU'RE CLASS RESTRICTED TO LEATHER! What the hell is that?! So Penny Arcade gets points for being reasonably drawn, intelligent, and the only webcomic to ever crack a smile on this old bitter man's face. It's like a half eaten hot dog in a trash can. It's still technically edible but it might make you sick.

Every Penny Arcade comic is like a vortex that destroys all humor. Put something genuinely funny next to your monitor while you are reading Penny Arcade and it will be destroyed. I carried out an experiment where I played a DVD of Chris Rock's Bigger and Blacker, which by the way, can cure cancer and end world hunger. Then I opened up my web browser and steered my mighty internet vessel to www.penny-arcade.com and clicked on a comic. Within seconds the DVD player began emitting some type of grinding noise and then ultimately stopped. I tried fiddling with the player but nothing could get it to work. I closed the web browser and the DVD begun to play again. I knew I had something here but I had to double check to make sure. I once again typed in www.penny-arcade.com into my web browser and browsed over to this comic and my DVD exploded and made me sterile. There it is, definitive proof that Penny Arcade comics can destroy humor and your testicles. This led me to wonder how exactly Gabe and Tycho produce these comics without being killed themselves. I drove to Seattle where the two live together in their fortress of homosexuality and peered through the windows. All of my questions were answered. While Tycho was working on a strip he was wearing a hazmat suit designed to protect the user from the effects of banal humor. Finally, the truth is out!

One of the biggest criticisms of Penny Arcade over the years, especially on our forums, has been the fact that no matter how incredibly ugly Gabe and Tycho actually are their respective characters happen to look relatively human. Why is this? If you're going to base a character on yourself I think you should be true to the source meterial. This is what I thought they looked like.

A splitting image right? I was happy with this. For years I slept at night dreaming of these two young men who I thought were Gabe and Tycho. I was wrong because this is what they really look like (NOT SAFE FOR WORK).

It's not so much that one looks like a cancer patient and the other looks like a pear, it's that they aren't being truthful to their fans, themselves, and God. I don't really care what they look like. I'm no spring chicken myself. I definately have a face for the internet. If I were the least bit attractive I would be on television as the Foster Farms Chicken spokeperson. But I'm not attractive at all. I'm around 300 pounds, have acne, and missing a leg. If I were to ever draw a webcomic where I am the main character I wouldn't draw myself as a wealthy Mexican diplomat in a sombrero sleeping under an orange tree. No, I would draw the character as something that is true to myself, an ugly spic. When I look at the real image of Gabe and Tycho, I expect their webcomic characters to look like this.

I nominate shmorky to take over as the artist on Penny Arcade. At least he is true to his heart! And how about those stories that are spread out over two weeks? You know the ones I'm talking about. Penny Arcade doesn't do this too often but they have this children's book parody called The Last Christmas going on now featuring the now heavily played out Cthulu who is only second to Star War's own Ackbar in the "character most inserted into a photoshopped image because it's still really funny" category. I love how they post only one page of the thing every three days. Imagine if the hit television show Will and Grace did this and only released 5 minute sequences every few days. People would be pissed! Why not just release the whole story all at once? Why spread it out over a month? Is this really preferable to reading it all at once? It would be to me, if I were retarded. If I were retarded I would also buy a World of WarCraft strategy guide signed by Gabe and Tycho themselves. That actually gives me an idea. Next Friday look for Livestock and I at the Vons supermarket in Garden Grove, CA. We'll be there signing copies of "How to Talk to Your Cat" that are selling like hotcakes in the checkout line.

Now before all you Penny Arcade fans write emails that say things like, "HOW DARE YOU MAKE FUN OF GABE AND TYCHO THEY ARE THE FUNNIEST GUYS EVER FUCK YOU YOU'RE A FAGGOT EAT SHIT AND DIE MOTHER FUCKER" on behalf of the gruesome twosome, let me remind you of one thing. These guys make a living doing what they love to do, and no amount of hyperbolic bitching on my part can take that away from them. Besides, I have to keep reading the site to see whether or not Tycho has eaten Gabe's kid yet. I've got a bet with the other Something Awful writers that he's going to do it by February. I've got 100 bucks riding on this!

Getting back on topic, the whole Child's Play thing was started when a guy by the name of Bill France wrote that people who play video games are inherently violent and evil and murder kittens and puppies. I would provide a link to the article but the site requires registration and won't let you read the article unless you give them an email address that they can sell to a third party. What Bill France said is essentially true and I don't see a problem with it at all. Unfortunately this struck a nerve with Gabe, who permanently looks like he just got off chemo, and he decided to start giving dying kids video games. Now you and I both know that nobody is charitable for nothing. No matter how much a business or private party gives to a charity you can bet your sweet, firm ass they want something in return, usually publicity or a tax write off. You think Oprah gives because her heart is ten times its normal size and she loves all the little children of the world. Her heart is so big because she's such a heavy woman. And no, she won't give unless there's a camera trailing her fat ass and capturing all the charitable carnage. While the end result is positive, Oprah won't give a dime without putting the resulting footage on her television show. Most people don't give without getting something in return. Why do you think tax write offs exist? Because people give anyway so let's give them a break on their taxes for it? No, people give because of that tax write off, and they wouldn't otherwise. I have no problem with anybody providing incentives for those who donate, but let's be honest about it. Of course, without publicity many charities cannot get off the ground but logic and reasoning have no place in a Spokker Jones article.

The main problem I have with Child's Play is with what they are donating. Video games? Come on! You and I both know that sitting in front of a television playing video games all day is the most depressing thing you can do. Games are great in small doses, but when you have nothing else to do, no where to be, and are just waiting to die, video games are a deathtrap. Why do these people want to make cancer children's last days as boring and restless as someone who plays Everquest? If I were dying I would do everything there is to do in life regardless of the consequences. I would rather go outside and see the world and risk dying a couple weeks earlier than sitting inside a hospital with a bunch of other jerks playing horrible mini-games in Mario Party 306 over and over again. That's why I urge the founders of Child's Play to stop donating video games and donate something much more exciting. That's right, whores.

When I was around 10 years old I discovered what my penis does and how it works. One night while thinking about a teacher from school I was rubbing my crotch on my pillow. The more I did this the better my penis felt. The activity became much more elaborate. I started mounting the pillow and rubbing my penis back and forth on it for minutes at a time. I then started bunching up my blanket around my penis and fucking the small hole of frabric. I kept doing these things until one night my penis spurted out a strange and mysterious fluid. I bent down and smelt it. It didn't smell like blood so I licked it. Didn't taste like blood either. I had no idea what it was but whatever it was it didn't hurt me. I continued doing this until I found out from a friend that it was fluid that was excreted during an ejaculatory response to rubbing my dick on things. From then on I fantasized about girls every single night. Now I didn't actually screw anybody until I was 17, but the point is, mine was a normal sex life where I discovered what sex was on my own and eventually had sex when I was old enough. It was innocent and pure. The problem with terminally ill children is that they cannot experience this and a lot of other adult activities on a normal timeline. Video games. Kids already play video games. What they don't do is get drunk and bang some ugly whore they don't even know the name of. This is a part of life that I cherish and it breaks my heart that some people will never experience this for themselves. This got me thinking. Why not start a charity that donates sluts, whores, drugs, and liquor to children's hospitals around the country? Terminally ill children can die knowing they experienced all the good things life has to offer.

"But Spokker Jones! Isn't that statuatory rape?!" Well, yes if it's a girl, and no if it's a boy. I firmly believe that any man who takes advantage of a young girl should be taken out to a field, have his balls chopped off, and then shot point blank in the face with a shotgun. But with boys, come on, who cares? Who really thinks that an adult women screwing a 12-year-old boy is going to damage the boy? That's every man's biggest dream. When I was 12 I wanted to screw everything that moved, from my female classmates to my more attractive teachers to the very feminine boys. When a young girl is molested by an adult male it may screw her up for life. But when a boy gets "molested" by an adult woman, that gives him bragging rights for the rest of his life. Every boy who is terminally ill should be given the chance to experience this for themselves.

Oh Cameron Diaz, how can you live with yourself!Here's what the children hospitals that benefitted from this charity should do: go down the local pawn shop, pawn all the games, and raise some funds for a trip to Vegas. Don't the children deserve that much? I think they do. That's why one day when I'm rich and famous from being a black guy's friend, testifying in his murder trial, getting an FM talk show, and then writing a book about it, I'm going to start a charity that gives young boys the chance to experience all the things men should experience in life. Here is an example of what I have in mind. It's an Amazon wishlist full of gifts that young boys really want. Forget Mario Kart: Double Dash. Cancer patient Timmy really wants Jenna Jameson for Christmas.

It was not too long ago that a young boy dying of leukaemia wanted to be sucked off my Cameron Diaz before he died. Well he's dead now. And while he can never know the sweet sensations of the mediocre actress's lips sucking on his dick, I would like to dedicate my charity to him. In the future we will be able to raise the millions of dollars necessary to persuade young actresses to blow dying boys. The Josh Mortens of tommorrow will have something to look forward to. It's the least we can do when God mysteriously takes these young boys away from us for absolutely no reason at all.

Until that happens, consider donating to Child's Play next Christmas. It's actually a really nice organization that helps a lot of kids out. But don't tell anyone I said that.

– Zachary "Spokker Jones" Gutierrez

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.