Two days ago, the guys at Penny Arcade decided to upend website funding as we know it by attempting to Kickstart a single ad from the face of their front page for the princely sum of 250,000 dollars. Fans generous enough to donate to their cause won't walk away empty-handed, though; Gabe and Tycho have plenty of rewards in store for their benefactors, some of which haven't been announced as of yet. In this Something Awful exclusive, check out what these Kings of Webcomicry plan on bringing to their most devoted fanatics.
Get ready to land yourself on either Tycho or Gabe's pending Facebook friend requests list, where one of the two will weigh the option of friending you every other Friday for a year. Get ready to experience 12 whole months of a mouse cursor wavering between "Confirm" and "Not Now," ultimately deciding on "Not Now" when 365 days have passed. Tell your loved ones that a virtual friendship was pondered for a complete year by one of the two authors of the most popular video game webcomic on the Internet!
Either Tycho or Gabe will send you a friend request via Friendster, which you may reflect upon, BUT CANNOT ACCEPT. Those who do accept will automatically enroll in the $500 tier, which includes a free pallet of Penny-Arcade: The Card Game starter decks, badly damaged by flooding and warehouse fires.
Your pet will be drawn into the background of a Cardboard Tube Samurai comic. Note: your pet must be a calico cat and fit the description of a cat drawn in a Cardboard Tube Samurai comic months ago. Dog owners will receive an original print of an existing Cardboard Tube Samurai comic in .png format, with a .zip of additional Cardboard Tube Samurai content available for an additional 20 dollars.
You will be given access to a Google Voice account where you can hear new messages from either Tycho or Gabe up to (but not including) three times a year. Let America's webcomic darlings regale you with 30-second messages intended for the select few wealthy enough to reach this level of funding. Note: messages may include an outdated weather report read by one of the wives.
Either Tycho or Gabe will grant you the honor of carving out a piece of their driveways for posterity. Donators must find their own transport to Seattle, Washington, and arrange for a local contractor to completely replace and seal the driveway immediately afterwards. Any remnants removed from the estates of Mr. Holkins or Krahulik must be sealed in lucite and forbidden from eBay trafficking.
Those who reach this lofty level of funding will receive a no-expenses-paid trip to Seattle, Washington, where up to two pounds of gutter leavings from the property of Mr. Holkins or Krahulik may be kept upon complete cleaning of said gutters. Those lucky enough to make it out on the weekend may be treated to Gabe or Tycho swinging a rake at them below and swearing furiously. If this happens, please refrain from making eye contact.
Prepare yourself for adventure as you enter the truck of the Penny Arcade "snack wagon" during a regularly scheduled energy drink run. Wince in joy as your spine is bruised by a tire jack used by the inimitable Mike "Gabe" Krahulik to change a flat on two separate occasions. Note: donator must supply own oxygen.
Ready for the next PAX? Reach this tier (travel and convention costs paid by donator) and prepare to get hit with a water balloon filled with hot mustard at the next nationwide gathering of Penny Arcade fans. Those generous enough to enter this tier will be featured in a week-long Ctrl-Alt-Del arc as a character known as "The Mustard Man," because we can do that for some reason.
Hop on board the next train to the afterlife, because that's where you'll be headed when Jerry "Tycho" Holkins and Mike "Gabe" Krahulik smash your skull open with a cinder block as you sleep peacefully (first class airfare must be provided by donator). They will then erect a "Fruit Fucker 2000" headstone in your honor. Estimated delivery date: 2015.
Impress your favorite female friend or relative on their birthday with a personalized rape joke penned by the creators of Internet sensation Penny Arcade! Even survivors of abuse have to admit: these guys sure know their way around humor involving nightmarish and traumatizing violence against women.
The treacherous New England Patriots are guilty of deflating their footballs. We must punish them severely in the name of holy retribution. This transgression has been the biggest headline in the United States for an entire week, and it should be the primary concern of all nations.
We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.
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