It's the weekend, so that can only mean one thing: a mega-update at Cranky Steve's Haunted Whorehouse! Check out the latest three ass-ugly maps to be massacred by the unfortunate test subjects dwelling within the ol' Whorehouse:

AECube

When making an indoor map, it’s only logical to start with a cube. At the very least, you need a skybox around the entire map, so you might as well start out by making a big cube and then hollowing it out. But for a certain mapper named Christoph "AEon" Loewe, the first step is the only step! After all, strange foreign things like ‘the second step’ and ‘the third step’ can easily be emulated by repeating the first step over and over. No one will ever know the difference! People like AEon are responsible for monstrosities like “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire Part 12” and “Deer Hunter 8 Extreme Turbo Hyper-Fighting Champion Edition”, and should therefore not be allowed to reproduce under any circumstances.

Plasma Arena

Pete's choice of textures for this map is abysmal to say the least. This map is one big Blue-O-Rama, and with stray shots of plasma bullets flying everywhere, all of this blueness will fry the cones in your eyes that handle blue light, which in turn will make you see only brown crap. Actually, to put it another way - everything you see will look like it has been pre-rendered in the Quake II color scheme. Oh, and some brush-borders cross over each other, so you get that "flickering texture" crap as well. God only knows why Pete put jump-pads in this map - a pathetic attempt at variety so people don't go insane and start going numb, which usually happens when one saturates the senses. Whoop-dee fuckin' doo, this map has it all.

Temple

The two areas that stand out the most in Temple’s convoluted maze of ugly are the long, embarrassing dead-end hallway and the tower in the main courtyard that’s interior can only be described as “M. C. Escher meets something yellow and very, very awful”. Like most things that are pure evil, it is doubtful that these rooms got this way simply by accident. They probably represent hours of work on Phil Holland’s part selecting the perfect combination of eye-bleedingly terrible textures and shitty lighting. Yes, lighting is actually included this time around, but only as a means of carrying out Phil’s larger agenda of completely destroying the credibility of yellow and blue as reputable colors. Just look at the screenshots and you’ll see what I mean. Or actually, do yourself a favor and don’t look at them. There’s no reason both of us should be screaming in pain right now.

Wow! Them's a nice selection of SHIT MAPS! Go visit Cranky Steve and check out what you're unfortunately not missing!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • The Fracking Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    The Fracking Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    ‘Toad coin?’ wondered the traveler as he examined the pebble. It did not look all that different from any other pebble, and certainly nothing like a coin. ‘What manner of coin has no head or tail, and bears no seal or flag? Who backs this toad coin, the toad bank? The toad treasury!?’ The traveler laughed, but the toads croaked sternly back at him.

  • Your Dog is Totally Worth Refrigerated Food

    Your Dog is Totally Worth Refrigerated Food

    Spending $10-15 a day on perishable organic dog food is not a sign of a decadent culture in terminal decline, it's actually real good and worth it.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.