Better roll your saving throw, because I'm casting a magic missile of deals right in your face! The new fall line for the latest and greatest releases for hobby shops near you is finally here. If you're like me, and I know I am, this is the best time of year for role players and gamers. The long summer months of waiting in your basement adorned with black lights, empty Mountain Dew cans, and Cheeto bags for the newest nerdly goods is over. I have taken it upon myself to bring these products to you since I am well versed in the ways of the hobby shop. It was my place of refuge during my school years, giving me shelter from the bright, hurtful sun, and away from those bothersome girls that distract me from killing orcs with their strange and mysterious vaginas. Games and hobbies help to pass the time, eating away precious hours of your life by rolling dice, moving little plastic tanks around, and imagining you are a dashing elf warrior that is as pretty as a pony, and smells twice as nice. The harsh truth is too terrible to face, thus the world of fantasy and imagination can save us from the brutal reality that you will die alone and afraid, and nobody will ever love you. So without further ado, let's get to the new products soon to be at a hobby shop near you.
AD&D Halfling Plumber Guide
AD&D (Advanced Dungeons and Dragons), is the largest and most popular role playing game on the market. They are also notorious for pumping out metric tonloads of appendixes, guides, expansions, and new editions, in turn making a huge amount of money. Every single race and class has its very own book that contains new skills and occupations, thus becoming a necessity if you want to make more diverse and tougher characters. In a desperate attempt to pile even more gold on their dragon hoard, AD&D has created even more specialized kit books. The newest to grace the hobby store shelves is the "Halfling Plumber Guide". Small of stature and skilled in dexterity, the Halfing excels in the area of plumbing. This 100 page book expands on the "Halfling Guide", as well as the "Plumbing, and other Waterworks". New occupations, such as the Driplord (+2 vs. leaks, +1 to saving throw vs. slimes w/hat), the "'Wrench Warrior", a fighter class skilled in the arms of plumbing ware, and the "Lil Plug Bastard", a thief/mage class that gets a bonus against toilets plugged up by ogres. Some say AD&D is going too far and these books are just a money making scheme, especially the "Dwarf Transsexual Cleric Mailman Guide".
Value: 2 Gnome Wizards out of 5.
The Dukes of Hazzard board game
The long wait is over. Hasbro has spent years developing one of the most anticipated board games to come out since Stratego. In cooperation with CBS and WETA Design, Hasbro has put an extraordinary amount of time and effort into this game, hoping it well become a best seller on the game board circuit. The beautifully crafted board and exquisitely detailed game pieces truly capture the spirit of the hit television show. Up to 4 players can play, getting to choose from Bo, Luke, Uncle Jessie, or Daisy Duke. The antagonists of the wily gang is the bumbling deputies, Enos and Rosco, along with the corrupt and morbidly obese Boss Hogg. It's a race from the law around the board, as the roll of the dice and Cooter Cards decide your fate. Every player character that you get to choose has their strengths and weaknesses that play a factor in the game. Bo and Luke have the General Lee, and can move around the board quickly, but they are as dumb as rocks and tend to lose turns when jumping huge piles of dirt for no apparent reason. Uncle Jessie can elude capture with his sly talk, but often gets stuck when landing on the alcoholic binge square. Daisy Duke can use the charms of her sassy rump to confused and befuddle the law, but if she lands on the redneck gang bang square, the game is forfeit. If any of the players circle the board without getting caught, then the South secede from the North, and the game is won! For ages 5 and up.
Value: 5 Rebel flags out of 5
Howard the Duck RPG
Why this was made I'm not sure, but this September, the Howard the Duck RPG goes on sale. My theory is that it's a Jew conspiracy propagated by Steven Spielberg and the other top members of the Jewish Satanic Child Murdering ring. I received an advanced copy for my online review, and let me tell you, I was not impressed in the least. First I had to make my "animal from space" character, so I picked a muskrat and rolled a few hundred dice. All I remember was that I had 40% cooking skills, and spoke French with 78% efficiency. I think I had a fancy hat or something too but I can't remember because I got really drunk off some Boones Farm halfway through the game and woke up at 2 PM the next day covered in blood. There was a huge pentagram in the middle of the room with an empty baby cradle nearby, and when I looked into the mirror, the sign of the goat was carved into my forehead. Horrified and shocked that this terrible game had caused me to lose my soul, I contacted the MARP (Mothers against Role Playing), and Jack Chick, so that the word gets out that this is an evil game created by the Jews to get our money and steal our women. I also found a 12 sided dice lodged in my anus but I'm not sure if it's related.
Value: 1 tormented soul out of 5
Fantasy Blow up Dolls
Do you want the warm embrace of a female without having to go out of the house and try to talk to them, and then try to figure out if they are really a cop before asking them for "a good time"? Well coming this fall, hobby stores all over the country will be stocking Fantasy Blow up Dolls. These dolls are all the companionship a lonely gamer needs on those cold nights after a bout with a village of goblins. But these are no normal blow up dolls! They come in the likeness of your favorite fantasy and sci-fi chicks.
Xena: This Lucy Lawless doll is promising to be one of the best sellers. It comes in the full Xena gear with a blow up sword as well. Now your dream of a toss in the hay with this feisty warrior amazon can finally come true!
Arwen: Well maybe that stupid Aragorn would like to go to battle instead of tapping that Elfish ass, but that doesn't mean you can't. While the cat's away, the mice will play. Comes with realistic blow up elf ears!
Princess Leia: Dude, remember that scene where she was in Jabba's lair in that skimpy outfit and Jabba's all like "come here bitch so I can lick you with my huge repulsive tongue"? Even as a small child I thought that scene was hot! Or remember that scene when she kissed her brother and ewoks started releasing mating scents? Sexy!
Seven of Nine: Jeri Ryan has all of the geek collective in her grasp. This Star Trek babe is single-handedly responsible for 100 tons of innocent nerd sperm spilt over her persona. This model of blow up doll might be even a bigger seller than Xena, and in a few months, the Data doll will be released.
Hermione: Now, I know what you're going to say, but before you say it, let me just say that state and federal law does not carry over to blow up dolls. The request was just too overwhelming to ignore. Most of the people writing in asking for the Hermione doll promise they would not have sexual congress with it, but just take it to the zoo, buy it ice cream, and take it shopping. This will be available for sale in most states, although your name does go on a national list, and you must inform your neighbors that you desire the soft flesh of young girls.
Value: 4 air pumps of out 5
Advanced Gamer's Super Dice Pack
The primary tool in hobby games is dice. That's why there are high hopes for this super pack of different kinds of dice for the advanced gamer. The velvet baggie contains regular 4, 6, 8, 12, 20, and hundred sided dice, but also a new experimental die that is going to change the face of gaming as we know it. The 17 sided die. That's right, a feat of engineering has created a die with 17 sides. No longer do you have to roll a 12 sided die, and then a 4 sided, and then add one. The rule systems of all role playing games everywhere are alternating their rules to conform this this new die, and all the rich gaming it will provide.
Value: 3 Critical Hits out of 5
Axis and Allies: Switzerland
Milton Bradley has been coming out with expansions and special versions of this popular classic game such as a close up of Europe and the Pacific. In order to keep the trend alive, they have been stretching their horizons on less explored areas of the WW2 conflict. In "Axis and Allies: Switzerland", you are in control of the country of Switzerland. Your task is to stay on alert on the mountain borders, make sure there is plenty of chocolate available, and receive regular shipments of gold and art from Germany. Once you reach 50 IPCs of German war loot, the game is over and you win. At any time you declare war on a country, a peacekeeping Yeti descends from the Alps, destroying your cities and causing you to lose the game. Up to 1 player.
Value: 4 mystery bank accounts out of 5
I don't know about you, but I just wet my pants in sheer excitement! Actually it was more of incontinence instead of excitement, but don't let that detract from the general feeling of elation. Plato once said "Hobbies and games are like shadows of ourselves, cast on the wall of a cave from the light of a torch. I like little boys." You know, I think Plato has a point (about the games, not the boys). The point is that when we play games, we ourselves are being absorbed by the game. Think about it, are we playing the game, or is the game playing us? Chew on that for a little while my husky friends. I'm gonna go make me a corn dog.
Children of the Og
Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell here once again, with a very special State Og update. We recently held a contest to see what sort of inventions kids in elementary school could come up with, and were extremely pleased with the results. The winners presented in this update are the best of the best, and their ideas will go on to become official State Og products. Just have a look at this winning entry:
What else can really be said about this elegant and useful idea? No longer do you have to strain your neck while looking around for a fat guy, no sir! Now you can let technology do the work for you, and reap the rewards.
If you have ever doubted the children of this generation, today's update will quell your fears. Head on over and see what else those goofy little bastards came up with!
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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