This is a rare group photo of the SA Staff assembled together to pound out some comedy ideas.Hello dear citizens of the Internet Community! In our regular quest to provide comedy (LAUGH YOU GODDAMN INGRATES!) we often forget that you, our sacred and beloved viewer, simply does not get the opportunity to learn about us, the people who hopefully make you laugh. While coming up with daily content for you swell folks is time consuming and demanding on all of the SA staff, we still manage to live fulfilling lives that involve such exciting activities as "making extensive lists of things we need to do" and "washing our hands a set number of times in a given time period, never more, never less." There is a wealth of other things we do in the times we aren't writing "comedy," but most people don't have anything even remotely resembling a clue when it comes to that mystery category. Sure, you could easily argue that nobody cares, and you would probably be right. But hey, guess what, I'm fueled by equal parts spite and hate, and I'm not quitting without being as annoying as possible. With my utter contempt for you out in the open, let me just say that I'm delighted to be dedicating this update to my fellow staff members. And what a good bunch of staffers they are! I know it's hard to believe how far we've come and how big we've gotten, but here we are! When the entrepreneurial Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka figured that you could crudely disguise hate speech as comedy, he had no idea his profound ignorance would blossom into a media empire that now employs a handful of thoroughly worthless people such as myself and especially Reid "Frolixo" Paskiewicz.
So what have these staffers been up to? Glad you asked! Us Something Awful writers get an awful lot done, and I think you'll agree!
Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka
Rich started his week on an industrious note by amassing a copy of every newspaper published in a 60-mile radius. He then spent the next day carefully clipping every single coupon from every single advertisement using a paper cutter to ensure perfectly straight slices. Rich has a burning passion for coupons that mirrors Hitler's passion for burning Jews. Unlike Hitler, Rich prefers not to burn anything save for high prices, which he feels are the bane of his people's existence. None of us ever question this aspect of Rich's personality, and we certainly don't complain that he never uses the coupons to buy things and instead uses them to decorate the office. The coupon thing is a fairly recent development, and we all think it might have to do with Rich's poor performance on the stock market. He invested his life savings into this two favorite companies – Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia and World Wrestling Entertainment – both of which are not doing so well. He still sticks by his decision, though, and never hesitates to remind us that, "when the worst comes, it's going to be wrestling and decorating that bring people together!"
As of this writing, Rich is lying in a pile of coupons and moaning like Chewbacca.
Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons
Bad news struck the SA offices when we had to assemble enough money to bail Zack out of jail yet again. For the third time, Zack was arrested for wandering the U-505 submarine exhibit at Chicago's Museum of Science and Industry with no clothes on. While Zack claimed he was merely trying to appreciate the wonders of German engineering on a more primal and intimate level, his public nudity and lewd behavior went unappreciated by the museum's patrons. With the torpedo bay click of cold handcuffs against his wrists, Zack's happy time as a would-be German submariner ended in embarrassment for us all. Initially, he told us he was going to go back again later in the week, but we think we changed his mind by convincing him that the Hitlermobile is on display downstate for a limited time only. He seems really motivated about going to see that instead, especially since it's only a matter of time before the ship it back to Germany.
Ben "Greasnin" PlattHere is a picture of our wives. They're going to hate us for posting this! Reid "Frolixo" Paskiewicz
Ben has a had a hectic week, as he's busy rehearsing his new one man play "The Man in the Mirror – A Reflection of My Beauty." This play, like all of Ben's plays, will be performed in front of a mirror wide enough to capture the sum of Ben's acting gifts, which consists of asking rhetorical questions and then winking as if to say, "don't answer that, it's a rhetorical question!" Let's hope the godly vision reflected in the mirror does not blind humble Ben! A packed crowd of trophies dressed up in doll clothing will witness this singular performance and give valuable emotional support. While it's a far off notion, Ben secretly hopes the spirit of his play will bring the trophies to life, creating an army of living reminders to his greatness as well as valuable social contacts that judge him the way he deserves to be judged: as a god amongst clowns. We all leave Ben alone and never visit his cubicle, no matter how much fun he seems to be having.
Of all the misery that has occurred so far this week, most of it belongs to Reid. While riding a bus to his regular job as a male escort who specializes in Oompa Loompa role-playing, a grossly obese man mistakenly sat on him. Reid ended up lodged in the man's backside, held prisoner by the merciless warden of fat folds. Though he wanted very much to scream for help, he dared not open his mouth for fear that his innards would be filled with matter from the ever-expanding universe of human obesity, or worse, the rapid depressurization of his body might cause him to explode, inadvertently creating a second black hole in his new living space. Instead he remained silent in the moist asswomb of rippling fat, biding his time until escape seemed plausible. Two days into the ordeal, as the man slept on his stomach, daring Reid seized the opportunity and began his escape! He did manage to slither his weakened and compressed body out of the stretch mark burial plot, but was unable to free his right arm. After several tense hours, Reid made an executive decision and amputated the trapped arm, freeing himself once and for all! Reid tried to organize a press conference to publicly recount his harrowing story, but nobody wanted to hear it. We really didn't want to hear it either, but when a coworker shows up smelling like hell and with a bloody stump where they used to have an arm, you can't help but ask how their weekend went.
Josh "Livestock" Boruff
I got right down to business by drafting plans for an expansive fort built out of pillows and bedding materials. I was able to complete the fort in a satisfactory manner in even less time than I allotted. I spent the last few days in introspective isolation inside the fort, guarded from the madness of the outside world. This time alone from society was very comfortable physically, but ultimately scared me for life. Not because of any realizations that occurred while in the fort, but because it collapsed on me. I am now suffering from shellshock and wet pants syndrome.
Although my week thus far has been a disaster, I did manage to get one productive thing done. I wrote a new joke! It goes something like this: "I just got back from Skull Island and boy are my bones achy!" I think it's going to be a hit.
So there you have it, an undistorted look into lives of the men and womanly men who define the words "Internet Superstars." Who knows what lies ahead for us later in the week, or even next week, or the week after that! Possibly adventure? Probably not. Possibly action? Definitely not. But what you can always count on is more of whatever it is we've been doing for so very long.
Going for That Urban Feel
This is Ben "Greennose" Platt with a special treat for all of you out there in Actually-Read-the-Movie-Reviews Land. This time around, I've got one for you that doesn't deal with lesbian vampires, pointless killers in shitty masks, or murderous blobs! It's called "Eternal Gangstas" and it's jam packed full of action and action-substitute.
We join the story in medias res, which is Latin for "the writer couldn't come up with a beginning." Our protagonist (D.A. Jackson himself), if this epic morality play could truly be said to have one, is on the floor. His name is Grey, which is apt, considering semi-cool-but-not-really gray streak in his hair, and the completely and utterly lame gray streak on his eyebrow. I didn't even know it was possible to go gray on just half of an eyebrow, but then, I'm not an eternal gangsta like Grey. Grey is soft-spoken, but his inner monologue fuels the movie. In both cases, he is dubbed atrociously. I'm not convinced that it's even Jackson's real voice. Honestly, I hope it isn't. It would suck for a buff black guy like Jackson to go through life sounding like a Steven Seagal impersonator. It doesn't help that he's spouting lines like "I've always felt I was on the verge of detonation. But now... now I think I've triggered the countdown." Sure you have, Grey. Sure you have.
Whoa Nelly! Fasten your comedy belts and start the laugh propeller, because this whirlibird's taking a one-way trip to Laughtown, baby! Check out the review to read about a story so intense it will kick your eyes right out of your skull!
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.