I will create content. I will post images, animated or otherwise, and write words to them. I will make points, but I will never delve into in-depth analysis. The content's goal is to entertain. I have been paid to provide content. I'm an imagineer. I'm media that moves.
<The oath takers shiver with a terrible power. Their clenching jaws jut forward as their hands curl into claws. They yell in a slow, digital monotone as their eyeballs flare with flash ads>
My content will be optimized for search engines. It will be buzzworthy. Content is nothing without the brand.
<Tribal drums begin playing>
"FOR THE BRAND," the Content Creators yell. They have all gathered. They are draped in their ceremonial WTF and Epic robes. #ContentCreatorOath. #YouKnowYouAreAContentCreatorWhen.
For things begin and end with the brand. Content exists only to serve the brand. We are the swinging arm of the brand. We are the sword of the brand swinging toward end user experience.
"FOR THE BRAND."
The content will be suitable for our advertisers and sponsors. The content will be dynamic, it will astound. It will elicit laughter, pleasure, and OMG.
"FOR THE CONTENT IS NOTHING WITHOUT THE LINK."
<A wolf howls along to a 56k modem. A vision. Millions of shattered, hopeless people wander the post-apocalyptic technoscape for links and content.>
If my content is deemed problematic, I will claim it is ironic. If my content is enjoyed, it is not ironic. It will spawn subsequent articles in the same vein as the previously enjoyed content. All future content will be shaped around previously enjoyed content.
"WE REFINE. ADAPT. WE COME CLOSER TO THE PUREST FORM OF CONTENT."
We will always strive toward purity of content.
<A brief flicker of pure content blinks in front of the oath-takers' faces. All possible pleasure simultaneously bursts through the collective hive mind of humanity and instills in us a feeling of blissful interconnectivity.>
My content will be well structured, easy to read, and even easier to digest.
"THE AUNTS WILL LINK THIS IN OMAHA."
We will move to San Francisco. We will complain about all the poor people in San Francisco. We will call ourselves liberal and dehumanize the poor and taunt them with our tech buses running on public roads, stopping at public bus stops.
"THE INNER CITY IS A DUMP BUT EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD WORKS AT A STARTUP SO IT IS NICE."
My content will be short. My content will never overstay its welcome.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.