Theodore Roosevelt had recently appointed George Washington Goethals to oversee continuing work on the Panama Canal. Goethals was being savaged in the press for taking over Roosevelt's "mistake" in Panama and so Roosevelt called a meeting in his office to confer with his Vice President. The result was unexpected and disastrous and assured Fairbanks would not receive the Republican Party's nomination for president in 1908.
|Theodore Roosevelt:||They're eating him alive, Fairbanks. He's barely had time to look at his new office down there and Woolsby at the Times is on him like a rabid gorilla.|
|Charles W. Fairbanks:||The papers seem disinclined to give your man a chance.|
|Theodore Roosevelt:||Our man, Fairbanks. (Sound of a lid flipping open) Here, have a cigar. I pulled them from the pack of a Plains Indian by the name of Paws-the-Sky.|
|Charles W. Fairbanks:||Thank you.|
|Theodore Roosevelt:||Plugged him myself with a- what is that one the wall?|
|Charles W. Fairbanks:||What?|
|Theodore Roosevelt:||There, over by the alligator head. That black-there, it just moved.|
|Charles W. Fairbanks:||A spider?|
|Theodore Roosevelt:||No, look, it's flying. I don't...ahhhhhh!|
|Charles W. Fairbanks:||Ahhh! It's a wasp!|
|Theodore Roosevelt:||Oh...OH! It's coming for my (crashing sounds) AHHH!|
|Charles W. Fairbanks:||Look out! (Sounds of stomping and furniture being moved and overturned) Get it with the...|
|Theodore Roosevelt:||AH! Turn around! Turn around! It's...it keeps flying for my face!|
|Charles W. Fairbanks:||Throw something at it!|
|Theodore Roosevelt:||No, no! Not that! (A glass shatters) Open the windows!|
|Charles W. Fairbanks:||This one?|
|Theodore Roosevelt:||Yes! Hurry man! (Sounds of more glass breaking) You have to pull down and to the right. There's a catch for the drapes. No, yeah, like AHHHHHHH!|
|Charles W. Fairbanks:||AHHHH! (Crash of furniture) Is it on me!? IS IT ON ME!?|
|Theodore Roosevelt:||No, I don't see it. No, it's AHHH! It's on me! Get it off! GET IT OFF!|
|Charles W. Fairbanks:||Don't move or it will AHHHH!!!|
|Theodore Roosevelt:||Did it sting you!?|
|Charles W. Fairbanks:||No, there it goes. There it...it's gone.|
|Theodore Roosevelt:||Lord almighty, I think I pissed up my gusset.|
|Charles W. Fairbanks:||I may have soiled my own pant.|
|Theodore Roosevelt:||Good Christ, should I get you a bonnet? A little rubber nipple for you to quiet your gums?|
|Charles W. Fairbanks:||You are being judgmental.|
|Theodore Roosevelt:||I should have made Taft my Vice President. At least that man is willing to roll up his sleeves and whip a Mexican.|
|Charles W. Fairbanks:||I hardly think a man's ability at slaying a wasp is relevant to that same man's ability at holding-|
|Theodore Roosevelt:||(High-pitched mocking tone) I hardly think one man's ability is...listen to yourself, you horrid yellow man. Get out. Get out and begone.|
|Charles W. Fairbanks:||Oh, yes, I do see on the front there where it appears you have urinated upon your gusset.|
Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.
The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'
This ain't your daddy's globe...! .... or is it?!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.