Whether it is the cities of Persia or Crystal Pepsi, everything has its moment of glamour. Unfortunately, not everyone can experience the golden years of a civilization or trend. Those who missed the mark are forced to wander the earth, misunderstood in their infatuation with the past.
The internet male faces these hardships every day. He is a man-boy, unhealthily obsessed with unhealthy things, a symbol of unkempt, unassertive masculinity, and the most misunderstood person in society. Though unaccepted in our modern world, he would have been the crown jewel of gentry 150 years ago. The gentlemen of the Victorian era and the men who fill the World of Warcraft servers share a connection invisible to our 21st century eyes. The two are brothers born a century and a half apart.
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The most striking similarity between the two generations is appearance. Both groups of men look like a hybrid of The Goonies cast blended into one obese, Baby Ruth-obsessed, erector-set-playing nerd. The same bloated face with the disproportional features of a child plague the men regardless of time. All their outfits are either ill fitting and tight, as though they are wearing hand-me-ups from their 12 year-old cousin, or much too large, like two cotton sheets sewn together with an anti-social joke. Both generations believe that showering is not a daily activity and a pair of clothes may be worn for a week straight. The real achievement is that the 19th century gentleman was able to maintain a heavyset body with alabaster skin without the luxuries of Slim Jim, Doctor Pepper, and Deep Space Nine on DVD.
Both generations falsely carry themselves as though they have achieved something grand, but the Victorian man pompously lived on his family's old money, and beating Goldeneye 007 on expert is not much to brag about.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.