There's no justice in the world like fast, brutal street justice. The kind of justice that starts with fists flying, and ends with heads rolling. Taking the law into your own hands is every good American citizen's dream. Unfortunately, recent studies have shown that at least 75 % of people on Earth aren't Charles Bronsen, so street justice is a choice many of us don't have. Average people like you and me (mostly you) unfortunately have to rely on street justice's slow, powerfully retarded, anti-climactic cousin: legal justice. The American legal system is quite mystifying, and works through a seemingly random set of laws thrown together haphazardly one night by clever apes masquerading as senators in an adorable orgy of unfortunately poor ideas and cheaply made costumes. These laws, both sensible and not, are defended and enforced by the state's very own violent thug squad, known to you and I as the Police. Otherwise known as 5-0, the fuzz, or simply "The Man," the po po uses a variety of different types of officers to keep society in order, and to force people on the roads to drive like 50 year old Asian women. Amongst these are the ever valuable traffic cops, the indisposable meter maids, and the always popular "rogue cop with a chip on his shoulder." Perhaps most valuable type of agent to the police, nearly as valuable as gold dipped in silver, is also their most secretive. Shrouded in mystery and quite possibly horror, undercover agents are the crown jewel of the police force's, um...crown. So to speak.
Innovations like this help the cops stay extra secret!What the hell was I talking about? I'm not going to pretend to know, so I'll just dive headfirst into shallow water and write an article about the last coherent thing I remember typing: Undercover Agents. I capitalized the "U" and "A" to emphasize how entertaining the concept is, much like the movie theaters which bare the UA name across the nation. I'm just letting you know, in case you haven't realized how all-encompassingly marvelous the idea is. For the uninformed, undercover police officers are basically regular policemen that dress like normal people in order to infiltrate our potentially dangerous drugs rings, wild religious sects, and any larger than average gathering of filthy minorities. It takes a brave man to enter into this illicit world of drugs, crazies, and black people, though. Not just anyone can do it, it takes a certain caliber of person. A person who's willing to be completely, stupidly dangerous. Only in the most desperate of situations do the police actually call in the use of undercover agents, because it's often such a death defying job. Bad things will happen if they get discovered by accidentally ticketing their mark for speeding, or slipping into a tirade about how outrageously low undercover agents get paid, or by answering yes to the question "Are you an undercover cop?". However, since it is so very cool of a concept, I propose an increase in undercover activity for more pointless and absurd police ventures. Think about it...just imagine the possibilities! Possibilities such as...
Undercover Crossing Guards: A typical crossing guard is a friendly looking individual, mostly old ladies in orange vests with disarming smiles and happy a demeanor. This will never do in the world of undercover! They would be replaced by tall, emotionless men in sunglasses who would randomly step into the middle of the street and flag down traffic in order to allow small children to pass. I imagine that a stop sign would give away his identity fairly quickly, so the undercover crossing guard would stop traffic by brandishing his gun wildly in the direction of oncoming traffic. Not only would it slow traffic to a halt, but this would double in value by helping children learn to embrace the kindness and generosity that strangers have to offer them. An untapped wealth of candy and free car rides await the children who were just willing to open their hearts!
Undercover Police Chief: The man in charge never gets to see any undercover action...until now! With the advent of the undercover police chief, all that is about to change! While to a casual observer, he'd just seem like any other man in a holding cell, the undercover police chief carries out all his duties from the inside! Of course, the officers couldn't know who he is, or else the whole operation would be blown. So the undercover police chief would be subject to the same living conditions, violent beatings, and sodomy that all prisoners receive. Although currently there is no practical or logical application for the undercover police chief yet, who knows what the future holds? Best to have it just in case!
Undercover Police Stations: Ordinary police stations are all well and good for regular operations, but how can the 5-0 conduct secret undercover ops in a building that's neither secret nor operational? Answer that, genius! The undercover police station would be dressed up to look like another average public building such as a fire house or a hospital. Inside however, it would have none of the workings of these and would instead be all about secret, covert police wheelings and dealings. Anyone that came requesting other services would be quickly, yet secretly, turned away and shot. This place would be the base for all undercover operations, yet would often be so well hidden that not even the people working in them would be able to find it. For no good reason, this would be incredibly beneficial to the police force!
Undercover Undercover Agents: In a world as dark and mysterious as that of undercover agents, there's bound to be a few bad apples. Secretive people are often bad, and no one is more secretive than an undercover cop! The undercover undercover agents would route out this problem by going deep within the heart of undercover police syndicates, posing as an undercover officer. He would attend secret undercover officer gatherings and report his findings the the surprisingly well known and public undercover undercover police station. Similarly, these too would eventually become suspect, and would require still more undercover agents to investigate them in an endless cycle that is neither interesting nor funny enough for me to get into at this time.
Here is an undercover child molestor!Undercover Police Dog: Police dogs are an incredibly useful tool for coppers. They can sniff out hiding criminals, drugs, and can even sometimes moonlight as trenchcoat wearing lecturers to inform elementary school children on how they can bite crime. Undercover dogs would be even better though! Disguised as cats or various woodland creatures, they would do the same jobs as regular undercover dogs. Only they'd be in adorable outfits. Also, they'd forgo traditional dog names like Rex or Woofie, in favor of less species specific names such as Walter.
That's only the beginning of course. I expect that once the undercover idea picks up, all sorts of government jobs will become undercover. My vision includes, but isn't limited to...
Undercover Census Taker
All this is in the distant future though, because I'm having trouble getting the initial stages off the ground. When I proposed my idea to my local police officers, they simply refused to hear me out and instead proceeded with giving me a breathalyser test which proved, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I was simply babbling drunkenly. And although they were able to strip me of my driver's licence and dignity, they can't take away my freedom to ramble nearly incoherently on the Internet to thousands of people who have nothing better to do than listen. Still, I stand by the fact that it's a good idea. Next time I'm pulled over and forced to blow into a tube, I demand to have no idea who the person is or what business they have handcuffing me.
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to eliminate the plague that is humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
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