A while back, I felt generous enough to share some of my top secret dance moves with you folks, given that I was hanging up my sparkly shoes and retiring at the top of the dancing circuit. Alas, a fish cannot live without water, a heroin junkie cannot survive without smack, and I just can't function without my dancing. I went back on my decision to quit and returned to the dance scene in an unparalleled comeback; much to the displeasure of my wife, who was happy that I retired and was starting to settle down to live the quiet life of a gentleman comedy writer. I just couldn't resist the pull of the dance floor: the cheer of the crowd after a difficult move; the awes of amazement when I unveiled a new dance for the first time; and the rush of the limelight. I wasn't ready to be chained down for the rest of my days, for my feet were a gift to the world, and to cover them up in wool socks and stick them under a desk is like locking the Mona Lisa away in a vault. I thought maybe through the joy in my dancing, I could somehow ease the suffering of this world, or even contribute to peace in the Middle East. So I made up some new dance moves; dance moves that put my old ones to shame.
You may be asking yourself "Why is Frolixo giving away all his dance moves? This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife. How did I get here?" The truth is that I am so confident in my skill that I am willing to make my dancing "source code" public, knowing that nobody will do these dances better than the master that created them. In fact, I find its quite a hoot when I see some up and coming lads try to do some of my moves on the dance floor, and of course, failing miserably. But I take it as a form of flattery that they are trying to copy my style. Who knows, if these dances catch on with the young folk at the dance clubs like my "That's What Bilbo Baggins Hates" dance, maybe I can get my own reality show on Bravo. I would call it "Daddy's Little Dancer" and 20 contestants would be eliminated one by one in dance competitions and eating giraffe penises. The winner would get to be personally trained by me and then put on a show for the grand lama of Nepal. When this happens in a few months, I promise I will remember all you little people, and laugh at your plight as I have my daily caviar enema
So let’s take a gander at my brand spanking new dances that will knock your socks off and quite possibly kill you. Do not attempt to do these dances without adult supervision or somebody to spot you if the action becomes too intense. Pregnant woman in their third trimester should not try dances #2 and #4 as they cause severe birth defects and the baby try to force it's way out like in Alien. Other side effects include: rashes, heartburn, indigestion, explosive diarrhea, and fatigue. Helpdesk Hotline: 1-800-BUT-LMAO.
Also I'm sorry that the lighting is so dark, but this correctly simulates the real look of a dance club, and I'm in the witness protection program for stealing a bowl of meatballs from the mob. The videos are in a Quicktime format because I hate humanity.
Baking cakes is one of the oldest and noble crafts of human civilization. Ok I lied, but it sure is a lot of fun and tastes good too! That’s why I had the idea to incorporate baking a cake with one of my signature dances, since it's all about fun and having a good time. Feel free to go a little crazy and add your own little flairs on each step of the dance, but not too many because there is a good chance it sucks and my original dance is a lot better than anything your feeble mind can conjure up. Turn on that oven, cause it's gonna heat up in this hizzouse
Flour shake. Jostle the flour out of the bag and fill the bowl up with that white gold.
Beat those eggs like a Los Angles traffic cop.
Mix the ingredients together. Don't by shy. Let your spirit show on this one.
Add a pinch of vanilla
Bake at 350 for a half hour. Let cool.
Add the frosting. Get as creative as your little heart desires.
A seizure is no laughing matter, but if done convincingly on a dance floor, you can nab the crowd's attention and hopefully their hearts. This one is a lot of fun, and you can just go nuts with it. The only drawback is that most people will think you are having a real seizure and might get a little angry once they realize it's just a dance. That's why you should always carry a flare gun to distract them if you need to make a quick exit, leaving the flaming inferno caused by the flare gun behind. If for some reason you are in the middle of the dance and a plastic tube is forced down your throat and you are loaded onto a gurney, you know that you did the dance a little too long. If this happens, chew through the restraints and shoot the paramedics with the flare gun to escape. This is also called the "River Phoenix Dance".
Flop to the ground and go into a Seizure
After the first phase of the dance, put a belt into your mouth for a more dramatic effect
At the end of the dance you die. Still wiggle your hands and feet once and a while. Sticking your bloated tongue out to the side is optional.
Sometime back in the past, before computers and George Foreman grills, America fought a war with the Empire of Mexico over what now is the state of Texas. Brave men such as Davey Crockett, Sam Houston, and some other guy, were totally outnumbered, yet fought valiantly to hold off the Mexican attack. All of the men were killed, and the Alamo fell into Mexican hands. This dance commemorates the great battle so that we may never forget the cowardly attack on America. Well I guess it technically was their land to begin with, but we needed the oil.
First you are eating beans, totally unaware of the oncoming attack. Back in the old days, all they ate were beans and Indian babies.
WE ARE UNDER ATTACK! Scramble around to find your position on the walls.
Shoot into the sea of Mexicans! This is like Helms Deep but with smaller orcs. I'm not saying Mexicans are orcs but just comparing sieges. Oh man, I bet I'm in trouble now.
Get killed and fall over, thus ending the performance.
This one is for all the people who are really disappointed with the outcome of the recent election, and want to express themselves through a funky dance. Maybe after we all perform this one, we can start to heal, as a nation and start caring about the important things in life like NASCAR and donut holes.
Start the dance with both hands on your cheeks, like you are in disbelief, ala Home Alone. This will be a reoccurring theme that will be done in between all the steps.
Wipe the sweat from your brow
Cry your eyes out.
Move to Canada and complain on your blog.
Space is cold. Space is dark. In space you are alone. The future is full of combat. Combat on rollerblades! Prepare for battle!
Rollerblade across the dance floor and simulate FUTURE ROLLER-COMBAT
You need a kitten to perform this very complicated dance. If you do not have a kitten, steal or borrow one. It is wise to get some rabies shots before attempting the dance and bring a taser just in case it goes out of control. PETA is currently boycotting all my performances of Meow Mix.
Place the kitten in the basket and do a 2/4 step shuffle.
Spin, creating enough g's to pin the kitten inside the basket, making escape impossible
Rock a bye baby. If the kitten falls asleep, you will be crowned king of the dances. If the kitten is pretentious and refuses to sleep, the dance is a failure and your efforts will be in utter ruin.
Even though these dances are extremely advanced, and could cause great bodily harm if done incorrectly, I implore you to give them a try in the privacy of your own home. Who knows, maybe once you hear that thumping beat your feet will come alive with magic and you will leave your life of drudgery and boredom behind. If you have a digital camera and some hosting, try to film your best attempt at one of these dances and email the link to me. If I get enough of them and they are of a very high caliber, I might even have a voting contest for a dancing queen grand prizewinner and come up with a prize of goods or cash. I swear this isn't just an attempt to hook up with the denizens of the Internet because of my crushing loneliness, just like when I made a "Myspace" account, and nobody understood my suffering. Please send me some dancing videos or I swear I'll kill myself. Thanks!
(Frolixo note: If you do send in some dances, please do not attempt the Meow Mix one. I don't want to be responsible for some retard spinning a cat into their TV set. Thank you.)
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.