All things considered, she really performed quite well. Of course, that doesn't change the fact that she's a loser. LOSER!
The world of golf was turned upside down by the recent media storm surrounding Annika Sorenstam. Well, "turned upside down" may have been something of an overstatement, but certainly the world of golf was shaken to its foundation. And you know, I've always really thought of the world of golf as being a one-dimensional line, so when you think about it, even if it was shaken or turned upside down, it really wouldn't make a difference. But as far as not making a difference goes, Annika Sorenstam sure didn't make the biggest one in golf history. Actually, there have been bigger differences not made in the last few years. But I can say without a hint of hesitation that Annika Sorenstam definitely didn't make the not biggest difference in golf history, and if ever there was a newsworthy item, that would be it. As the first woman to compete in a PGA tournament in fifty-eight years, Sorenstam carried with her the hopes of women everywhere as she stepped up to the tee at the first hole of the Colonial. She had the remarkable opportunity to prove that women are every bit as capable as men.
Her elimination in the second round shows what we all knew to begins with - that, of course, women are not as capable as men. At least I think that's what it shows. Maybe it shows that Swedish people can't golf. I don't know, there must be some other group I can piss off with this. Uh, here, try this on for size: Jesus is a dick, Mohammed sucks, and I hate cats, specifically yours. There, that ought to do the trick. Now while the easily-offended are writing their angry emails (and trust me, they will), we can get on with what really matters - talking about a golf event that every major news source on the planet has already beaten into the ground.
IT'S COMING STRAIGHT FOR US!
1.5 million people tuned into to watch Sorenstam's performance on the USA network, setting a new record for ratings for a Thursday broadcast of a PGA event (factual information stolen with deliberate and malicious intent from SportsIllustrated.com). That fact obviously has massive implications. For instance, how much does the USA network have to suck that they'd get excited over 1.5 million viewers? I could go on public access and play the bongos on my ass for twenty minutes and pull in 1.5 million viewers. In fact, that's not a bad idea. I could even rent out each cheek to advertisers and start pulling in the big bucks. Just like the big bucks Annika Sorenstam failed to win at the Colonial! Oh snap! That's right, I went there.
Golf has experienced some serious upheavals in the last few years. It started when Tiger Woods made history by becoming the youngest person and also the first African-American person ever to win the Masters, proving to white people everywhere that the darkies are taking over. They've conquered sports, music, television, and film, and meanwhile the only thing that the white folk have taken is Michael Jackson. Tiger instantly became the face of golf. Now Annika Sorenstam may not have changed the way we all look at golf (i.e. briefly as we are flipping through the channels looking for porn), but I'd wager that she'll soon become the spokeswoman for the LPGA. Hell, as far as I know, she's already the spokeswoman for the LPGA. The extent of my actual knowledge about the LPGA is limited to the fact that there is a LPGA. Even if she didn't make it all the way to the end of the tournament, Sorenstam still caused quite a stir among golfers and fans alike.
Feel the excitement. Woo.
The problem is, the phrase "golfers and fans alike" encompasses approximately 0.0001 percent of the population. As many supposedly exciting changes as golf has undergone in recent years, it doesn't change the fact that I deeply and truly do not care about it in the least. I mean, when I try to think of the top three things that I absolutely could not care any less about, the list ends up looking something like this:
1. The plight of the sloth, three-toed or otherwise
2. Anything that has ever happened in the nation of Burundi
3. Professional golf
Here, a father teaches his son to swing the club, hoping he'll be the next Tiger Woods. It's not going to happen, pal. Give up now.
And frankly, that's being somewhat generous. Now, I'm not saying that I don't enjoy playing golf. In fact, quite the opposite! I love going down to the ol' driving range and launching a bucket of balls into orbit. Unfortunately, I suck, so I typically end up launching the bucket of balls about forty feet. All the same, it's a perfectly enjoyable activity. It's just not a sport. The competition in golf is the lamest part of the game. It's the only competitive event in which the presence of other players on the field is actually a severe detriment to the progression and enjoyability of the game. The ideal atmosphere for the players is one of complete silence and isolation. That's why watching golf is an agonizingly boring process. The player stands there for hours at a time analyzing their shot.
Player: (Thinking) "Should I hit the ball? I wonder if I should hit the ball now. Oh, maybe I should swing the club and hit the ball. I don't know. Is now a good time to hit the ball? Should I hit it? With the club? Oh, I don't know. I guess I'll just stand here looking back and forth between the ball and the hole for another fifteen minutes or so."
It's infuriating. And all the while, the announcer is whispering into the microphone, trying not to disturb the player's absolute calm and concentration.
Announcer: (Producing the bare minimum amount of sound needed to be registered by the human ear) "He's getting ready to hit the ball now. He's almost ready to start his swing on his way to hitting the ball. He's using a club to hit the ball this time, a bold move by a bold player. We're expecting that he may hit the ball at any point within the hour - certainly an exciting moment in golf history. Oh wait - he's going to - no, he's just repositioning his club over the other shoulder."
There is nothing more irritating in the world than having to spend hours listening to that goddamn announcer struggle to push just enough air through his vocal chords to form speech. And you know you can't help anything by turning up your speakers, because then you'll just get the same damn whisper and that annoying static hum you get when you turn your speakers up too high. Maybe if they could play a little music in the background it would be more tolerable. It's not like they would actually have to have music on the golf course. They could add it in the studio. I'm fairly certain that today's modern television studios, including the ones owned by the obviously derelict USA corporation, possess the technology to accomplish this. Even so, while some music might make the commentary more bearable, it wouldn't do much for the game itself. No, golf needs a complete overhaul if it want to be upgraded from "game" to "sport" and really bring in the fans. Luckily, golf has one of mankind's greatest marketing minds on it's side - mine. I've got a few ideas that would pump some much-needed life into the game that King Henry VIII of Norway once called, "golf."
What the hell is this?
First of all, no more of this one-player-at-a-time crap. It's fine and dandy in mini-golf, but we're talking about a professional sport, here. The players should all tee off at once. Now, I realize that big tournaments can include well over a hundred players, so I'm willing to sacrifice my principles a little and have them go in waves of eight to ten players at a time. In the interest of everyone finding their own ball again, each player should be encouraged to have their balls painted with unique designs, logos, and imagery. For instance, Greg "The Shark" Norman might have black balls with a silver shark logo, whereas Josh "Livestock" Boruff would designate his golf balls with a picture of a cow, or possibly an incredibly annoying animated GIF. Now, you may be wondering, "Sure the tee-off will be interesting and colorful, but won't the game be the same old thing after that?" Not if I can help it. I mean, why would you even ask that? Did you actually think that my entire plan for livening up golf consisted of simultaneous tee-offs and multi-colored golf balls? Jesus, I'd think that you'd give me a little more credit than that. You bastard, now I don't even want to tell you the rest of my plan, but I will anyway, because I'm a man of principles and because Lowtax would beat me if I didn't.
After a wave of players tees off, they would have the entire hole to themselves. They would have to make a mad dash to find their own balls and play them to the hole while the other players are doing the same thing. Of course, there is no way that caddies could keep up with their players with a full bag of golf clubs in tow, so the caddies would have to stay back and the players would be allowed to bring as many clubs as they can carry with them as they try to make it to the hole first. For convenience's sake, a ring of putters would be laid around the circumference of the green. Now, I mentioned that they would be trying to get to the hole first, and indeed that would be the case. A player's score for a hole would depend not only upon how many strokes it took to reach the pin, but how many of the other players in the wave he beat there. When a player sinks a ball, he would be allowed to deduct the number of strokes equivalent to the number of players that he beat to it. For instance, in a wave of eight players, the first person to sink their ball would deduct seven strokes from their score. The next person would deduct six, and so on to the last person, who would not deduct anything and could damn well go cry about it.
A full scientific deconstruction of exactly what will be careening into Arnold Palmer's skull at forty miles an hour.
Now, you might think that the best players would end up with ridiculously low scores, possibly even in the negative numbers! I have a feeling, though, that with a few more changes, the players would need quite a few more strokes to get to the hole than today's golfers. First of all, once the players tee-off, the game would become full-contact. That included beating the hell out of one another with the clubs. Protective pads and headgear would be encouraged to reduce the amount of fatalities right off the bat. As they play through the course, the players would be able to actively prevent one another from achieving their beloved concentration as they take their shots. A nine-iron to the groin will throw anybody off. To discourage players from ignoring one another in terms of physical combat and just running off to find their own balls, players would be allowed to hit other players' balls backwards if they find them first, so players would have an incentive to stop their competitors from getting to their balls before they do.
In addition, the sand traps and water hazards would finally live up to their names. Sand traps would be replaced with good old-fashioned quicksand. You don't hear much about quicksand anymore these days, and I think that it's time it made a comeback, just like golf itself. Imagine the excitement and hilarity of a player desperately trying to chip his ball out of the liquidy glop before his sinks, while simultaneously fending off the club attacks from players standing on solid ground. It's ratings gold! As for water hazards, the players would not receive any stroke penalties for submerging their balls, but they would have to go in after them. A scuba mask and oxygen tank would be left every fifty feet along the perimeter of any body of water, but players would want to bring at least one club in with them, as the water would be stocked with sharks. Not great whites or anything of that nature, mind you. I'm not cruel. Nothing over ten feet in length. But there would be a lot of them.
You were all thinking it. Admit it. Also, fear my Photoshop skills.
With full body contact, plenty of violence and bloodshed, weapons, cheap tricks, and courses loaded with what essentially boil down to booby traps, this newly revamped version of golf is bordering on something great. By now we're all thinking it, but I'll say it anyway:
Mutant League Golf.
The Mutant League franchise worked wonders for football and hockey, it can do the same for golf. Come on, just try and tell me that you wouldn't tune in to watch this version of golf if all the players were foul-tempered undead mutants? Of course you would. The ratings would go through the roof. All in all, the game of golf is fine as it is for a relaxing pastime. But the professional sport needs some fine tuning. When my suggestions are implemented, I guarantee you that golf will be more popular than ever, which is to say, at all.
I Og, You Og, We All Og for State Og!
I know what you're thinking - "A State Og update? It must be Saturday!" Well it's not. It's Sunday. Get your head out of your ass, asshead. Since Reid "Reid 'Frolixo' Paskiewicz" Paskiewicz is missing in action (due to an incident ironically linked to State Og), the joyous task of announcing the latest news from our friendly State Og representatives has fallen to me. Whatcha got for us, representatives?
At State Og our efforts to provide clients with revolutionary new advances in health care never fail to turn up something amazingly dangerous... dangerously healthy! That's why we're proud to announce that our top secret proctology research lab has finally produced something other than hilarious video clips that circulate on the Internet. Yes, at long last we've found the silver bullet for all your colon woes, unless you've been shot in the colon with a silver bullet!
What is this incredible new discovery, you ask? First, picture the average American colon; packed with dense waste, full of toxins, one more steak away from forming a nasty tumor. It's a bad scene for everybody involved! The only thing to be done about this situation is to throw that old colon away and get a new one, right? Not so fast! State Og is here to be the salvation of your ass, with the introduction of the Spider-Enema! When you undergo this procedure at any one of our Ez-Og convenience stores nationwide, your rectum will be stuffed to the limit with hundreds of high-quality live spiders! Those voracious little buggers will eat anything to stay alive, cleaning you out in no time! It's like having an ass full of spiders! The procedure is sure to be long lasting, as we've been having a hell of a time getting them all out again, and a few dozen of them are sure to lay some eggs!
Aw, State Og! Just when I'm feeling down in the dumps because of the lack of spiders crawling around in my anus, you come along with just the thing to cheer me up! To learn more about this and other exciting products, as well as other developments from this gentle giant of the world domination - I mean, not world domination - industry, check out the latest news.
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.