Please allow me to introduce myself I'm a man of wealth and taste. Well not really, I usually just eat inexpensive fried cheese snacks. Hello. I'm Russ and I will be bringing you humor in the form of a Comedy Goldmine on a regular basis. I was attracted to the role because the job title contains two things I love (comedy, gold) and one thing which was pretty cool in Bad Boys 2 (mines).

Sleep is an interesting phenomenon. Well not really, I just wanted to sound sophisticated and intelligent like Michel Gondry, Oscar Wilde or Carl Weathers in that Adam Sandler movie which was about golf but not REALLY about golf. Even if it's not interesting, at least sleep can be funny, according to the Something Awful forum goons. If you've ever been woken up by the insane babblings of a family member, friend or someone you are keeping prisoner against their will, you will know there is a lot of comedy to be found in these situations! The bizzarely named ol^____^lo got us underway with this first tale, and what followed was an avalanche of snooze-related laughs! zzz

One night I woke up as my boyfriend was shifting position in his sleep.
As he flopped over, he said loud and clear, "Yeah... you can see. You can see my squid! You can see up close!"


My boyfriend screamed out "FUCK YOU TALIBAN!" the other night. Scared the crap out of me.


From my ex-girlfriend: "Fuck. FUCK YOU ALASKA!"

Me: What the Christ?


"Get the pipe away from me. It is cold and metal"

Said by a high school friend at an all girls sleepover. You do the math.


While crashing on a friends couch recently it was claimed that I sat up in my sleep and declared "These aren't FRESH coconuts!" Though it's likely I wasn't talking in my sleep and instead I was just being a silly drunk (I was quite plastered at the time).


"Yes, I fucked a duck."


My husband talks in his sleep all the time, and sometimes he says the most fucked up things.

"I'll rip off your head and shit down your neck."
"I'm going to FUCK YOUR ASS!" (I spent the rest of the night sleeping with my back firmly against the wall)
"I want a hard shell whooping terrior. Whoopwhoopwhoopwhoop!"
"You smell like happy" As he snuggled me from behind.
"I don't give a fuck what you think because what you think fuck stink"

There are many others but I can't remember the rest off the top of my head. He's either incredibly scary, adorable, or ridiculously retarded. At least I'm entertained when I have trouble sleeping.


A good friend and fellow goon once Beat Boxed and started singing Metric - Combat Baby in his sleep.


My ex fiancé once sat up quickly and punch me in the arm. We also had an entire conversation about our relationship in which we discussed ways to resolve to all of the problems we were having, commencing in make-up sex. And he was apparently asleep for the entire thing. Occasionally he'd also tell me he'd taken out the trash, didn't have to go to work that day, or would clean up the kitchen later. Remembering none of it and inevitably getting in trouble with work or waking up in a panic.

I only wish I could remember all the final fantasy and World of Warcraft references he used to make while asleep.

My favorite by far, though, is: "It's a SNAKE! KILL IT!" followed by chasing an imaginary snake around his room with hairspray. This was after watching the badger video a little too much the day before.


From a former roommate:

"I'm the nuclear fallout for tonight, so I'll have to do, now eat your cake and let's get going".


My friend goes on tangents when he is falling asleep. Yes, falling asleep. He is not asleep, but he goes into these incredibly detailed one-way conversations as he is lulling to dreamland. And he doesn't know he does it. It seems to get worse when he's been drunk, as he was when I first noticed it. Myself and about six others were all trying to get an hour of sleep before we began the arduous task of destroying all evidence that the previous night took place. And he begins...

"Yeah, now you got it. Oh, this will work fine...no, it isn't like that. Well, I wish. Damn it, Skip, you're doing it wrong. No, let me! See, the ropes, we tie 'em up there and throw those big ass steering wheels on there. Yeah, but forget the magnets. We tried that and it only worked on cats. I'll be back, gotta take Jesus to the races"

That is all I remember, as I was keen on getting sleep...We recorded his little "chat" as he didn't believe he said the above one. If only I knew what he and Skip were building...it sounds like it will work!

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About This Column

The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.

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