BIDEN SEACREST: Wow, that's a shame that a great competitor had to leave so soon. Especially because I really admire and love pregnant women's tits. They are truly bomb-ass titties. And I know from a titty. (looks down at a cue card) Our next guest is Tyrone Blackman, 27, under suspicion of raping two white students in their college dormitory. Tyrone received a blow to the face, seven stitches and a broken nose, total cost... $3,500, which he cannot pay.
AL-SOTOMAYOR: Does your nose still hurt?
TYRONE: It feels like fucking shit.
AL-SOTOMAYOR: Debts cleared. (bangs gavel) You're free to go.
OBAMA: Blow that shit up, dawg.
Obama, Tyrone and the cowled Emperor figure mime making a terrorist fist bump at each other, and all let out a "Bwooossshhhhh!" noise while splaying their fingers upward.
OBAMA: Yo, Tyrone.
TYRONE: What the fuck, now?
OBAMA: What were you doin' out there got you into those girls dormitories?
TYRONE: Shit, canvassing the 11th District on the DL, just like those Census motherfuckers told me.
OBAMA: And you got two white girls?
TYRONE: Hell, yeah.
OBAMA: Do you remember the training and orientation video?
TYRONE: Yeah, whadabout it?
OBAMA: Do you remember what it said?
TYRONE: Pffff. Yeah.
OBAMA: What's it say?
TYRONE: "Anytime we got extra strange on hand, we gotta kick that shit back up to the top."
OBAMA: Daddy wants to fuck, Tyrone.
Tyrone walks out unescorted. He shoots a jet of spit out his front teeth just before passing out of the light.
I was betrayed by the bernio bros, the cougars, and this guy from back page I hired to keep me from jumping out a window at the DNC.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.