BIDEN SEACREST: Wow, that's a shame that a great competitor had to leave so soon. Especially because I really admire and love pregnant women's tits. They are truly bomb-ass titties. And I know from a titty. (looks down at a cue card) Our next guest is Tyrone Blackman, 27, under suspicion of raping two white students in their college dormitory. Tyrone received a blow to the face, seven stitches and a broken nose, total cost... $3,500, which he cannot pay.
AL-SOTOMAYOR: Does your nose still hurt?
TYRONE: It feels like fucking shit.
AL-SOTOMAYOR: Debts cleared. (bangs gavel) You're free to go.
OBAMA: Blow that shit up, dawg.
Obama, Tyrone and the cowled Emperor figure mime making a terrorist fist bump at each other, and all let out a "Bwooossshhhhh!" noise while splaying their fingers upward.
OBAMA: Yo, Tyrone.
TYRONE: What the fuck, now?
OBAMA: What were you doin' out there got you into those girls dormitories?
TYRONE: Shit, canvassing the 11th District on the DL, just like those Census motherfuckers told me.
OBAMA: And you got two white girls?
TYRONE: Hell, yeah.
OBAMA: Do you remember the training and orientation video?
TYRONE: Yeah, whadabout it?
OBAMA: Do you remember what it said?
TYRONE: Pffff. Yeah.
OBAMA: What's it say?
TYRONE: "Anytime we got extra strange on hand, we gotta kick that shit back up to the top."
OBAMA: Daddy wants to fuck, Tyrone.
Tyrone walks out unescorted. He shoots a jet of spit out his front teeth just before passing out of the light.
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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