BIDEN SEACREST: Wow, that's a shame that a great competitor had to leave so soon. Especially because I really admire and love pregnant women's tits. They are truly bomb-ass titties. And I know from a titty. (looks down at a cue card) Our next guest is Tyrone Blackman, 27, under suspicion of raping two white students in their college dormitory. Tyrone received a blow to the face, seven stitches and a broken nose, total cost... $3,500, which he cannot pay.
AL-SOTOMAYOR: Does your nose still hurt?
TYRONE: It feels like fucking shit.
AL-SOTOMAYOR: Debts cleared. (bangs gavel) You're free to go.
OBAMA: Blow that shit up, dawg.
Obama, Tyrone and the cowled Emperor figure mime making a terrorist fist bump at each other, and all let out a "Bwooossshhhhh!" noise while splaying their fingers upward.
OBAMA: Yo, Tyrone.
TYRONE: What the fuck, now?
OBAMA: What were you doin' out there got you into those girls dormitories?
TYRONE: Shit, canvassing the 11th District on the DL, just like those Census motherfuckers told me.
OBAMA: And you got two white girls?
TYRONE: Hell, yeah.
OBAMA: Do you remember the training and orientation video?
TYRONE: Yeah, whadabout it?
OBAMA: Do you remember what it said?
TYRONE: Pffff. Yeah.
OBAMA: What's it say?
TYRONE: "Anytime we got extra strange on hand, we gotta kick that shit back up to the top."
OBAMA: Daddy wants to fuck, Tyrone.
Tyrone walks out unescorted. He shoots a jet of spit out his front teeth just before passing out of the light.
Dr. Oz, professional TV doctor, offers up some dieting tips and advice on how to remove all your negative ions.
I was able to pull some strings and secure an advance copy of this year’s PAX panel schedule. Enjoy!
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The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.