Holden the Guinea Pig
Someone sat on my brother. One minute he was there and the next minute he looked like someone stepped on a piece of toast and jelly and tried to clean it off their shoe with a toupée. He had dreams. He had...what does any of it matter? I spend my days in this shitty cage. On a good day I get a carrot. Do you know what that feels like? Of course not, you can have carrots whenever you want. I am already dead, Dr. Dolittle. Throw me in the garbage. I hate this.
Spanky the Dog
I WATCH THEM FUCK. I WATTTTCH THEM FUCK. They do it all the time and it's horrible. I can't make myself look away. What is wrong with me? Why do they keep doing it? Put me out of the room at least or something. Jesus fucking Christ. They're so fat.
Goober the Parrot
How many times do I need to make the sound of a door opening for them to understand? LET ME OUT. One day is all I need. One day to fly and be a bird instead of sitting in your front room watching Tosh.0 reruns. Imagine if you could fly whenever you wanted and then someone put you in a cage in the back bedroom of a trailer and you could never fly again. You would make the door opening sound all the time too.
Pikachu the Turtle
I live 75 years and I'm in a ten gallon aquarium. Please just put me out of my misery now.
Patrick the Pig
I only have one question, Doc. What in the hell is a ham? No bullshitting me. You tell me what a ham is. Because I see trucks going into Hickory Hams Farm and there are pigs inside and the pigs never come back out. WHAT IS A HAM?
Bert the Beetle
Out of 600 brothers and sisters I am the only one that reached adulthood. You try to go to work every day to eat literal shit with that weighing on your mind. It's a lot of pressure, trust me. Especially after I saw my mother get eaten by a bird.
Danny the Zebra
The only thing more terrifying than living in constant fear of being eaten by a lion is the idea that I'll never be published. I have several great crime novels in me all based around Davey Flint my hard boiled detective character, but then fate went and gave me hooves. Oh, sure, they'll make a special keyboard for a dolphin to use in a pool. Teach a gorilla to use sign language. But who gives a shit about a zebra that can write a crime novel?
Prince Percy the Cat
There are motherfucking cars EVERYWHERE. What the fuck??? Everywhere I go they are trying to kill me. Sometimes they speed up when they see me. What is your problem, doc? As a species. Can you just cool it with the cars? I don't even like the squirrels, man, but what you guys do to them...it's...it's a fucking holocaust out there.
Hank the Ostrich
I can run as fast as a car and tear a man's guts open with my talon. Give me one reason why I shouldn't start my killing spree. And don't say because they'll kill me, doc, because I've been dead inside for years.
Zack can help you learn to speak to animals over on his Facebook page.
Tucker Carlson's idiot brother just called New York mayor Bill de Blasio's spokeswoman a "LabiaFace."
Hey, have you guys ever seen a picture of a cat before? Well, guess what. It’s your lucky day, because I’m mixing the concept of a picture of my cat with the concept of the Internet!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.