You like some red velvet cake with layers of sweet, butter cream frosting? Theoretically so do I, but here's some low grade shit with ripples.
Remember that girl who used to answer phones at Charm City cakes? Now she is doing a Nintendo themed lesbian burlesque to cover her rent. I hope you're happy, Food Network.
Want to know how much fuck I give these days? How about you have a Caramel Fudge Brownie Sundae ice cream I concocted.
No, I didn't really concoct jack shit. They just wheeled this thing out of the Blue Bunny food lab and it tasted like a hot trash bag full of vomit and then they showed me a check with my name on it and I said, "DUFF APPROVES!"
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
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