"Abs of Meal: The Rock Retards": Part III of The Discovery Channel's "Mutants in the Wild." I can't even count the number of picnics that have been sabotaged by these shirtless invaders. Not because they've attacked a lot of picnics, but because I really don't give a shit and don't feel like counting and I have better shit to do anyway.

Grandma Seahag sure is proud!

Looking good, kids! Remember, since you're being raised in Appleton City, you've got a bright and promising future as a professional car accident victim ahead of you! Way to go!

The dreaded Urinal Queen. If you'll look closely, you'll notice somebody threw a net on her in a vain attempt to capture and sell her to the National Inquirer. That poor sap is currently choking to death on a toilet disc the size of a melon.

Weebles wobble but they sure as hell don't chug Slimfasts. This bloated fleshbag is full of fantastic prizes! Or pot roast.

Believe it or not, Sam Edgar looked this way BEFORE I started smacking the side of his skull with a stop sign. There's no way in hell I can beat all the ugly out of this zitfaced geek because I just don't have that kind of time. I'm too busy working on the rose bushes on the side of my house. They aren't growing up the lattice right and it's pissing me the fuck off. I think those idiot Bryant kids across the street have been messing with my flowers when I'm passed out in the hamper. I'm going to go over to their house after I write this and steal their mom's urn and sell it back to them at a really high price.