This article is part of the Dynamars Corporation Information Kiosk series.
***04-04-2304 - Command Item #8753
Chief Security Officer Mackey reports that the Area 8 Shipyards are operating without a chief officer present. He is requesting that a replacement be dispatched immediately to monitor and control traffic and that Chief Shipyard Officer Hendren be reprimanded for Dereliction of Duty.
Chief Security Officer Mackey stated, "This place is a zoo. There are ships flying in circles, ships double parked, and half the ships are fried because of the EMP. I found an inflatable woman in the control tower with a headset on. I had no choice but to give the HMS Wordsmith permission to land at the Area 4 Auxiliary Landing Dock immediately because the ship was out of fuel and they were all asphyxiating."***04-04-2304 - Command Item #8754
Chief Security Officer Mackey has reported widespread riots throughout Areas 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7 due to shortages of Shasta Cola. He is requesting permission to use lethal force to restrain the unruly citizens and keep chaos from consuming the Interstellar Scrabble Tournament, mere hours from commencement.
Chief Security Officer Mackey reports, "DynaMars Corporate will have our necks if we botch this as badly as the boat show. It is madness out here. People are trading anything for the last few drops of Shasta Cola, and even killing for it. Some citizens are prostituting themselves in clear violation of DynaMars Corporation's Ares Station Resident Behavior Edicts. Act now or I will."***04-04-2304 - Notification Item #3471
Chief Security Officer Mackey has temporarily cut oxygen supplies to pacify rioters via Executive Override Command #245. Using the last barrel of Shasta Cola to maintain order amongst his men, he has issued a Priority 10 Kiosk Override and proclaimed himself acting governor of Ares Station.
Chief Security Officer Mackey reasons, "I cannot let madness gain dominion over this fine station, not when the eyes of the solar system are upon us to witness this great battle of words. May God have mercy on my soul." DynaMars Corporate is now sending CEO Davies to investigate this matter and re-establish proper chain of command and kiosk usage.***04-04-2304 - Command Item #8755
Adjunct Interstellar Scrabble Tournament Judge Adams is requesting immediate arbitration in Interstellar Scrabble Tournament Game #37, wherein ISS Player #81 is contesting ISS Player #47's word "selbeechua," which was formed off the word "bee."
"I don't think it's a real word," said Adjunct Interstellar Scrabble Tournament Judge Adams, "but I'm not sure. I need an official ruling on this pronto."***04-04-2304 - Notification Item #3472
Adjunct Interstellar Scrabble Tournament Judge Adams issued Executive Override Command #245 in Interstellar Scrabble Tournament Game #37, awarding ISS Player #47 victory with the word "selbeechua."
"After waiting for five hours I had to do something," complained Adjunct Interstellar Scrabble Tournament Judge Adams. "It's getting dangerous down here and Chief Security Officer Mackey has begun executing unruly citizens, which is alarming the players. I fear that I may never see my wife or home again."***04-04-2304 - Notification Item #3473
Chief Security Officer Mackey has been locked in the security closet full of explosive barrels in Area 2 by Chief Engineer Shmorkison, controlling a small army of Mobile Defense Sentry Units. He issued Executive Override Command #246 reversing Executive Override Command #245. He then issued a Priority 10 Kiosk Override and declared himself acting governor of Ares Station.
Chief Engineer Shmorkison said in his statement, "I was willing to stay silent throughout all this madness, but when 'selbeechua' passed judging, I had to do something. I'm not a hero. I'm just doing what is right for mankind."
***04-04-2304 - Command Item #8756
All senior officers are requesting that you immediately step down on the grounds that you have not carried out any activities in the past three days and have not been seen or heard from by anyone onboard the station.
"Basically," states Adjunct Sanitation Engineer Burroughs, "you're going to get us all killed."
**END OF UPDATES.
He had a yellow inflatable tube around his waist, the kind with a comical duck head. There was a tiny fish in one of his hands, and a trident in the other. In the background a squirrel wearing shades was water skiing.
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Keep up to date on the DynaMars Corporation's perpetually doomed efforts to colonize Mars.