This article is part of the Dynamars Corporation Information Kiosk series.
**RESTORING PREVIOUS SESSION. STANDBY...
***04-03-2304 - Notification Item #3469
Chief Shipyard Officer Hendren reports that he gave Executive Override Command #242 and detonated CRM EMP #07 to prevent the unattended vehicle from draining its battery. This process wiped out power for all of Ares Station for a period of 3 hours and 47 minutes.
"Now thankfully its battery won't wear out because of the lights being left on," states Chief Shipyard Officer Hendren.***04-03-2304 - Command Item #8747
Chief Science Officer Thorpe reports that Specimen #001X escaped during the power outage and laid eggs in at least four other science officers. In order to prevent widespread contamination, he ordered the infected science officers to return to their quarters. He is requesting that Level 3 Quarantine Procedures be initiated and the Interstellar Scrabble Tournament be postponed.
Chief Science Officer Thorpe states, "All efforts must be placed on finding and eliminating Suzy, who has since metamorphosed into an indestructible creature that is faster and stronger than any human and completely immune to any form of injury."***04-03-2304 - Command Item #8748
Chief Particle Transducer Catalyst Technician Boruff is requesting a replacement Control Panel Interface Module after a Shasta Cola spill caused severe electrical problems and the immediate baconization of Ares Station Resident #118, who was using the Particle Transducer Catalyst Chamber as a racquetball court.
"I was drinking some Shasta Cola when I saw this monstrous creature run by and eat somebody," reported Chief Particle Transducer Catalyst Technician Boruff. "I totally flipped out and accidentally spit the mouthful of Shasta Cola I had all over the Control Panel Interface Module. Long story short, #118 is a big pile of bacon wrapped in spandex."***04-03-2304 - Command Item #8749
Chief Maintenance Officer Bowen is requesting permission to set up beaver traps in the Area 7 Biosphere in hopes of capturing the pesky beaver, which has downed an additional 7 trees and begun damming Area 7 Biosphere Stream #03, a main tributary of the Area 7 Biosphere Reflecting Pond.
"This situation is hitting critical mass and I'm about to make an executive decision," complains Chief Maintenance Officer Bowen. "I'm going to put up traps one way or another because the ecology of the Area 7 Biosphere was not designed to handle beavers."***04-03-2304 - Command Item #8750
Adjunct Sanitation Engineer Burroughs has reported that the station's supply of Shasta Cola is dangerously low and is requesting that immediate action be taken to prevent panic.
Adjunct Sanitation Engineer Burroughs adds, "Basically, there were supposed to be 20 barrels of Shasta Cola in the storage closet but there was only one. Anyway I moved the explosive barrels into the closet all by myself. We should probably declare martial law until we get resupplied."***04-03-2304 - Command Item #8751
Chief Shipyard Officer Hendren reports that the HMS Wordsmith, the ship carrying the Interstellar Scrabble Tournament players, is unable to land due to the illegally parked Class D Starburst Transport Vessel, Registration NC-4762R. He is requesting authorization to have the vehicle towed to Earth at the DynaMars Corporation's expense and permission to let the HMS Worthsmith use the Area 4 Auxiliary Landing Dock. He is also requesting immediate reassignment to the Area 3 Library.
"The owner of the Starburst can't get his ship started and his parking permit expired and it's a total mess down here," reports Chief Shipyard Officer Hendren. "I screwed up. I think the HMS Wordsmith needs to land right away. I guess their toilets are backed up and there's some bad diarrhea going around and honestly I'm not cut out for this job. I'd like my old job in the Area 3 Library back please."***04-03-2304 - Command Item #8752
Chief Maintenance Officer Bowen is reporting that a monstrous creature has been snared in one of his beaver traps. He is requesting permission to vent atmosphere in the Area 7 Biosphere because the beaver is still loose and has laid waste to seven more trees and flooded half the biosphere.
Chief Maintenance Officer Bowen asserts, "I don't know what this creature is but it is spitting green gas everywhere. I put up a sign asking people to stay away, so hopefully that helps. Meanwhile the floods in the Area 7 Biosphere are going to disrupt the Area 6 Sewage Corridor and all restrooms on the station if I don't do something soon."***04-04-2304 - Notification Item #3470
Chief Maintenance Officer Bowen and Chief Science Officer Thorpe jointly issued Executive Override Command #243 and vented atmosphere in the Area 7 Biosphere, which they state succeeded in killing the beaver and specimen #001-X. The bodies of both await baconization in the interest of Ares Station safety.
Chief Maintenance Officer Bowen stated, "Chief Landscaping Officer Wilson will need to repair the damage right away. It's the worst biosphere disaster I've seen in my 2,027 year career." Chief Science Officer Thorpe added, "It was hubris that brought ruin to the biosphere. We were foolish enough to attempt to control the unknown, but how can you control that which is intrinsically mysterious?"
The Amazonians value combat prowess and purity of spirit. By wrestling half naked, they pay homage to both virtues by displaying their battle-forged bodies while preserving as much modesty as their society deems necessary. The gelatin in which they wrestle is symbolic of the fluid nature of battle, a concept the Amazonians call ‘akgor-gra.’
Pros: Much more comfortable than my last toilet seat, which was a transparent resin with seashells embedded inside. The outer layer wore off from friction, exposing the sharp jagged edges of the seashells, which were constantly scrapping my backside and causing major cuts and open sores.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Keep up to date on the DynaMars Corporation's perpetually doomed efforts to colonize Mars.