This article is part of the Dynamars Corporation Information Kiosk series.
**You are accessing the private complaint queue for residents of DynaMars Corporation's Ares Station, the premiere living and research colony on Mars. If you are here by mistake due to a malfunction in one of the many DynaMars Corporation Information Kiosks, please log out immediately and report the incident to a technician. This area is intended for use by authorized personnel only, which includes Ares Station Administration and DynaMars Corporation Officials. Trespassing in this private corporate network is strictly prohibited and punishable by severe physical and mental reconfigurations.
**Accessing Reports Section B - Resolved Complaints.
The following reports have been resolved as of 03-12-2304.
***03-01-2304 - Ticket #4389
Ares Station Resident #236 reported that someone was using the private intercom system to harass him. #236 said that, for several hours, a voice emanating from his intercom repeated, "Let their flesh be your meat, let their blood be your wine, consume it all." Chief Intercom Officer Jones responded to ticket #4389 and found no evidence of tampering or inappropriate conduct and the situation resolved itself amicably when #236 terminated his own life in the Area 6 Airlock.
***03-02-2304 - Ticket #4578
Ares Station Resident #147 requested immediate help for a Priority 5 Emergency. #147 complained that fountain drink machines in the Area 3 Dining Hall were spraying out a thick, bloody substance in lieu of grape soda. Chief Fountain Drink Technician Fink responded to the ticket, opened the machine, and discovered that somebody had jammed the body of resident #281 inside the grape soda compartment. The machine was shut down pending a thorough cleaning by Adjunct Sanitation Engineer Burroughs and opened up two hours later. Case resolved and DynaMars Corporate issued a station wide kiosk update requesting no further tampering with fountain drink machines.
***03-04-2304 - Ticket #4666
Ares Station Resident #47 reports that the elevator in Area 7 Engineering Control psychically raped his mind, forcing him to spend an estimated 2,000 years in a post-temporal pocket dimension. Chief Maintenance Officer Bowen answered the ticket, investigated the claim, found it to be accurate, and closed the case since it caused no actual physical harm and contributed no discernable delays in our timeline. Nonetheless, a "slow service" sign was placed in front of the elevator and DynaMars Corporate is advocating that impatient residents use the stairs.
***03-04-2304 - Ticket #4784
Ares Station Resident #112 complained that a defective Mobile Defense Sentry Unit (MDSU454) was incorrectly programmed to guard the Area 3 Dining Hall Buffet Table, resulting in 5 residents being disabled when they attempted to access the mashed potatoes. Chief Engineer Shmorkison answered and attempted to issue a sleep command to MDSU454, but the unit failed to demonstrate receipt of command. On a hunch, Commanding Officer Paskiewicz issued Executive Order 1023, calling for an immediate station wide halt to all mashed potato production. Shortly after the expiration of existing mashed potato supplies, MDSU454 returned normal function readouts and responded to the sleep command. EO1023 was rescinded, and mashed potato production promptly resumed.
***03-05-2304 - Ticket #4799
Ares Station Resident #87 requested that somebody remove the barrels of explosive chemicals from outside the door to his quarters next to the Area 2 Firing Range, citing concerns a wayward projectile might ignite the barrels and endanger his health. Chief Quartermaster Mackey resolved the situation by transferring #87 to new quarters away from the highly volatile barrels of explosive chemicals. Case resolved with minor complaints from #87.
***03-06-2304 - Ticket #4811
Ares Station Resident #189 reports that while working in Area 6 Sewage Corridors, he saw what appeared to be a large creature swimming in the exposed vats. He also refreshed ticket #131, calling for the installation of safety railings around the vats (previously resolved through the purchase of a dozen extra Hostile Environment Suits). As a safety precaution, Adjunct Sanitation Engineer Burroughs answered the ticket and flushed all the sewage corridors, temporarily disabling restrooms station wide. No monster was found, but one wily hog was sighted. After three hours of hot pursuit through the slippery sewage vats, the hog was captured. Satisfied there was no monster, Area 6 returned to normal operations and the vats were refilled with raw sewage. The hog was taken to the Area 3 Particle Transducer Catalyst where it will undergo Level 3 Baconization. Case closed with satisfactory results. DynaMars Corporate is issuing immediate station wide kiosk updates promoting Bacon Day.
***03-07-2304 - Ticket #4834 & #4835
Ares Station Resident #66, an Area 3 Particle Transducer Catalyst Technician, reports an error 420 result when attempting Level 3 Baconization Protocols. Furthermore, the error triggered terminal shutdown procedures, allowing one wily hog to escape the Area 3 Particle Transducer Catalyst Chamber. Chief Engineer Shmorkison responded to ticket #4834, updating the Particle Transducer Catalyst's firmware to version 10.3.42 supplied by the Hercules-Transmagnet-Bovine Corporation. Subsequent tests showed no error result from Level 3 Baconizaton Protocols, as #66 was able to safely baconize his left hand.
Chief Security Officer Wade responded to ticket #4835, the apprehension of the wily hog. Unfortunately for bacon hungry residents, the hog was fatally exploded when it ran past some barrels of explosive chemicals outside of the Area 2 Firing Range. Concerned residents fired on the hog, accidentally striking one of the barrels. Twelve residents were killed in the resulting blast and depressurization. A work crew was assigned to repair the damage. Both cases resolved adequately, save for the cancellation of Bacon Day.
***03-07-2304 - Ticket #4838
Ares Station Resident #200 reported that he appeared to be dividing into two people. Chief Science Officer Thorpe responded and verified that he was indeed reproducing asexually. Thorpe said the strange occurrence resulted from the accidental consumption of an experimental cloning paste Quantum Labs was working on that looks identical to mashed potatoes. The outgrowth on #200's body was sawed off. Case resolved with some complaints from #200.
***03-09-2304 - Ticket #4847
Ares Station Resident #118 complained that the ventilation system in the Area 1 Cargo Bay was eating people. Chief Security Officer Wade responded, and on closer inspection, noted that the ventilation system was infested with a large, pulsating organic structure. Chief Science Officer Thorpe was called in to develop a poison to neutralize the alien incursion. Inadvertently, he fed it the wrong substance and caused it to reproduce asexually and spread to nearby Areas 2 and 3. Thankfully the creature's massive, intestinal-like body eventually infected the Area 3 Particle Transducer Catalyst Chamber. Level 3 Baconization Protocols were initiated, which promptly spread throughout the creature's entire body causing total baconization. Cleanup crews were dispatched to scrape bacon out of the ventilation ducts for the newly scheduled Bacon Month. Situation resolved wonderfully with accolades from DynaMars Corporate.
***03-10-2304 - Ticket #4853-5121
Multiple Ares Station Residents reported that the entire station was no longer on Mars. Based on the flames viewable through the windows, along with the demons and mangled bodies beating on the glass, evidence indicated that the station was transported to Hell.
Attempts to coordinate efforts with DynaMars Corporate failed, so kiosks remained dark. To prevent chaos and panic, Commanding Officer Paskiewicz issued a Priority 10 Kiosk Override, updating all residents to stay calm and not open airlocks. Chief Security Officer Wade was then dispatched to exit the facility and look for an external source to the abrupt change in location.
Five hours later Ares Station returned to its location on Mars, with no indication of the cause. Chief Communications Engineer Mikal managed to re-establish contact with DynaMars Corporate, which announced it was dispatching CEO Davies to investigate and reassuming full control of all kiosk updates.
Following commencement of repairs, a badly wounded Chief Security Officer Wade reappeared in the Area 7 Engineering Control Elevator, now apparently operating normally. Because of the extent of his wounds and the heroic nature of his sacrifice, he was ceremoniously baconized. His remains, per DynaMars Corporate Policy Edict 87, will be sent to his family at no cost. Situation resolution adequate, with possible protocol changes to result pending investigation.
***03-11-2304 - Ticket #5122
Ares Station Resident #22 complained that Bacon Month was discriminatory against vegetarians and those who keep kosher. Commanding Officer Paskiewicz issued a transfer order for #22. DynaMars Corporate signed off and #22 will be re-assigned to DynaMars Europa Dig Site #82. Case resolved due to non-residency of complainant.
**Unresolved tickets pending resolution: 5,234.
The treacherous New England Patriots are guilty of deflating their footballs. We must punish them severely in the name of holy retribution. This transgression has been the biggest headline in the United States for an entire week, and it should be the primary concern of all nations.
We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Keep up to date on the DynaMars Corporation's perpetually doomed efforts to colonize Mars.