The Cato Institute uncovers archives from the 1850s revealing cowboys were collectivists who settled their differences through abstinence and hugging.
The PETA Activist
PETA develops a device that allows people to talk to animals and every species constantly begs to be subjected to medical experiments.
The UFO Believer
Aliens send instructions for mankind to build a star gate, but when we pass through to meet them they all look exactly like our dads.
The New Age Dreamer
Human genome research isolates the gene responsible for Indigo Children, only to discover it is identical to the gene for Down syndrome.
The College Voter
Hillary Clinton is elected president, appoints Geraldine Ferraro to the FCC, and helps elect Senator Chelsea Clinton (D-NY) on a platform of banning Grand Theft Auto sequels.
The Second-Wave Feminist
Barack Obama is elected president, names Max Hardcore to the Department of Health & Human Services, and extends Pell Grants to any girls willing to go wild.
The Wikipedia Editor
Some rascal blanks the 9,000 word entry on "Airbending" and ClueBot flags anyone trying to correct the entry as a vandal using an open proxy.
SA Forums Member
Discussions like fighting zoo animals and mocking "For Better or For Worse" are made bannable. The only topic allowed is positive discussion of the Something Awful front page.
Do you have your own dystopia or know someone who might? Email me your suggested one-sentence dystopia and I might just include you (with credit) in a future article!
The CEO of Lobstero, makers of the expensive home Lobster System, responds to recent unfavorable headlines about hand-squeezing a lobster out of one of the company's Lobster Packs.
Should you call someone a Nazi? The answer will surprise you.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.