The Libertarian

The Cato Institute uncovers archives from the 1850s revealing cowboys were collectivists who settled their differences through abstinence and hugging.

The PETA Activist

PETA develops a device that allows people to talk to animals and every species constantly begs to be subjected to medical experiments.

The UFO Believer

Aliens send instructions for mankind to build a star gate, but when we pass through to meet them they all look exactly like our dads.

The New Age Dreamer

Human genome research isolates the gene responsible for Indigo Children, only to discover it is identical to the gene for Down syndrome.

The College Voter

Hillary Clinton is elected president, appoints Geraldine Ferraro to the FCC, and helps elect Senator Chelsea Clinton (D-NY) on a platform of banning Grand Theft Auto sequels.

The Second-Wave Feminist

Barack Obama is elected president, names Max Hardcore to the Department of Health & Human Services, and extends Pell Grants to any girls willing to go wild.

The Wikipedia Editor

Some rascal blanks the 9,000 word entry on "Airbending" and ClueBot flags anyone trying to correct the entry as a vandal using an open proxy.

SA Forums Member

Discussions like fighting zoo animals and mocking "For Better or For Worse" are made bannable. The only topic allowed is positive discussion of the Something Awful front page.

Do you have your own dystopia or know someone who might? Email me your suggested one-sentence dystopia and I might just include you (with credit) in a future article!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.

  • Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'

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