What you people don't realize is that I give and I give and then I cry and give some more. A lot of us Something Awful writers do. It is our gift. It is our curse. Sure we get some money for our efforts, but writing comedy is like running a rake across your brain while simultaneously having your leg run over by an out-of-control tractor. Basically, writing comedy is like being subjected to one Marquis de Sade style agriculture-related accident after another.
But you know what, after everything I've been through, it's time for some me time. The Internet is full of random people posting wish lists in the deranged hope of getting free stuff from strangers. This is mostly a fruitless endeavor, partly because people rarely wish for fruit, and partly because nobody wants to allocate chunks of their hard earned income toward the pointless goal of buying things for strangers.
Gentleladies and men, intelligent children, humble visitors from the distant world of Clawmania, I am no stranger. You know me pretty well. I'm that guy who writes about dogs and hasn't had an original idea in roughly three years. We're practically a common law couple now. After all the times you suffered through my terrible updates for free, I feel like you owe me. You owe me a lot, okay?
Don't fret, because I'm a modest man. I require only a few basic necessities to achieve happiness. In the interest of efficiency, I have outlined those things below. By reading any further, you hereby swear and affirm that you're in the process of pulling out your checkbook and opening your heart.
Giant Inflatable Gorilla
Throughout the numerous years of my life, I have oft observed the inflatable gorilla species standing solemnly outside of used car lots and fireworks stands. I would like one to stand guard outside my apartment, and, when I'm feeling particularly lonely, inside my apartment as well.
I'm not going to lie to you. I may need you to come inflate the thing for me. I would try, but as a product of the Internet, it is a foregone conclusion that I suffer from asthma and any number of social anxiety disorders that would prevent me from inflating a large novelty gorilla without inciting a panic attack or asphyxiating. I'm looking for a large inflatable gorilla, not death under a pile of limp rubber.
I am not planning on selling any used cars or fireworks, but I'm not ruling out the possibility either. Basically, I cannot promise you this inflatable gorilla will be used for entirely non-profit purposes. That's just something you will have to accept.
21' Preferred Bleachers (10 Rows)
I'm not going to lie to you. I just need someone to replace my last set of bleachers, which were wrecked in a boating accident.
Hot Dog Cart
Like most sophisticated men of discriminating taste, I am perpetually burdened by a need to eat delicious hot dogs. Yeah, I dabbled with prosumer solutions like the Deion Sanders Hot Dog Express, but I feel I need to step up my game. A professional hot dog cart such as The Eagle would bring my love of hot dogs to a transcendental level.
Like the inflatable gorilla, I make no guarantees as to how this cart will be used. It is entirely possible it may even be used in a criminal enterprise. Before you get all uppity and start spewing latte all over your SUV's plasma screen monitor, realize that hot dog carts don't kill people, people kill people.
Dragon Gym Pants
The main reason I am in such abysmal shape is not because I live off hot dogs, but rather because I don't have anything cool to wear to the gym. Thankfully, you can literally transform me into a hulking muscleman by buying me these lovely, conservative pants. Also, if you could hook me up with some steroids, that would be totally killer.
Ever since gas prices started going up, I've been looking to ditch my car. I can't think of a better replacement for a car than a helicopter, which is essentially a car with spinning blades and an inexplicable ability to levitate. If you buy me a helicopter, not only are you improving my quality of life, but you are also helping the environment by cutting down on carbon emissions. Best of all, with a helicopter, I could fly to the gym in mere minutes, saving me the headache of driving five blocks and then looking for parking.
Listen, I know you are a good person. That's why I know you're not the sort to put a price tag on friendship and free comedy. I know in my heart I can count on you to give back and make the world a better place for people exactly like me.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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