God damn, can you even believe how Irish this guy is?
Before I get started, I'd just like to address Frolixo's update from yesterday. Reid, I'm willing to let bygones be bygones if you are. I'll even forget about those supposedly neutral Swiss scores, which I'm sure you didn't tamper with in any way shape or form. I look forward to working alongside you in the future as friends, instead of as bitter rivals. Just try not to slow me down too much. With that said, now it's time to get back to what Something Awful is really all about - scouring legitimate news sites for anything that could possibly serve as fodder for an article, then hastily assembling some half-assed comedy around it. Let's go!
Yesterday was a rough day for New Hampshire. For those of you who live outside the United States or live in the United States but automatically disregard anything in the newspaper that has to do with New Hampshire, the Old Man of the Mountain, the giant stone face that jutted out of the side of Cannon Mountain, collapsed sometime Friday night or early Saturday morning.
The fall ended nearly a century of efforts to protect the 40-foot-tall landmark from the same natural forces that created it. Only stabilizing cables and epoxy remained Saturday where the famous ledges had clung.
"There's only so much you can do," said Mike Pelchat, a state parks official who hiked up the mountain Saturday to make sure there were no signs of foul play.
"With heavy rains and high winds and freezing temperatures, the combination was just right to loosen him up," he said. "We always thought it was the hand of God holding him up, and he let go."
It was unclear when the outcropping actually fell from Cannon Mountain because clouds had obscured the area Thursday and Friday. A state park trails crew reported Saturday morning that the Old Man of the Mountain was gone.
If you look at it from the right angle, it actually looks a little like Martha Stewart.
The Old Man of the Mountain was a symbol of everything that is great about New Hampshire. Its proud chin stood for resilience. Its aquiline nose represented nobility. Its sternly furrowed brow signified determination. Its complete lack of eyes recalled that time that cousin Jeb shot Luke in the face with a Winchester and he lived. Oh my God, you should have been there. It was the grossest thing ever. Now, that beloved landmark that became synonymous with New Hampshire pride - even appearing on the state quarter - is gone. This is horrible news for all of the residents of New Hampshire. They rode the glory of the Old Man of the Mountain for generations, and now that it's gone, they know they're fucked.
That's right, New Hampshire. You had a good run. We didn't really mind stringing you along just so long as people kept coming to see that face in the mountain. It had freak value, like the face of Jesus appearing in jar of mayonnaise (not counting Jesus brand mayonnaise, motto: "It's blasphemarvelous!"). Now that it has finally crumbled, we've got no real reason to keep you around anymore. We can finally dump you and not feel the least bit bad about it. That's right, New Hampshire, your sorry ass is out of here.
Think about it, New Hampshire. Without the Old Man, what exactly do you have to offer the Union as a state? Fireworks? Sorry, every major city in the nation has a Chinatown these days, and they'll sell basically anything you want, from simple sparklers to military-grade explosives as long as you tell them its for New Year's. Even in February! What else do you have? Disputes over creationism? Nope, that's North Carolina's territory. Crazy, gun-toting old kooks? Sorry, already covered by the entire South. Widespread illiteracy? Nope, the South again. Face it, Massachusetts has better statesmen, Maine has better scenery, Connecticut has better small, dirty cities that are ten years behind the times, and Vermont has better mariju... uh... skiing. There's nothing you can do that some other state can't do better, faster, and with a more comical accent. Without that giant face, you haven't got a leg to stand on.
You couldn't even think of anything better to put on your state quarter? Jesus, can you guys even think of a reason we should keep you?
I can't say exactly what we're going to do with you. I'm just a writer for a satire site. I actually have very little political power. But if I had to take a guess, I'd say we'll probably sell you to the Japanese. They could use someplace to live that isn't ninety percent volcanoes. Then again, Microsoft presents New Hampshire XP has a nice ring to it. Either way, there's money to be made off of your otherwise worthless land mass. After all, we're trying to finance a war, here. Oh, that reminds me. In the event that we can't find someone willing to buy you, we'll most likely physically detach you from the rest of the continental United States using some sort of huge chainsaw and then push you out to sea. So all of you soldiers who are currently serving over in the Middle East, you will have the option of either returning to America and finding a home in a new state or just waiting over there until New Hampshire slowly drifts by.
Now, New Hampshire, don't you worry about the rest of us. We'll be just fine without you. We'll even make Puerto Rico a state so we don't have to change our flag. They've been pretty cool lately. In fact, I foresee a period of great prosperity for America once you're gone. As a Massachusetts native, I can safely say that with you out of the way, the Bay State will be making a power play to reincorporate Maine. You've acted as a hilly buffer zone for too long. Sure, once Uber-Massachusetts is back in action, we'll be back down to forty-nine states again, but hey, we'll probably just annex Quebec or someplace like that. It doesn't really matter. All I know is that the minute you're gone, the rest of this country is going to throw one hell of a party. Kegs, those wacky Hawaiian flower chain-things, kickin' tunes - it's going to be awesome! Sorry, New Hampshire, but you're not on the guest list.
Wait, what's that say at the bottom? "Bienvenue?" You dirty traitors.
Daniel Webster once wrote of the Old Man of the Mountain, "In the mountains of New Hampshire, God Almighty has hung out a sign to show that there He makes men." Well, ol' Dan isn't around to make any comments about the collapse of the Old Man, but on his behalf, I'm fairly certain that it's a sign that God hates New Hampshire. America likes to talk about freedom of religion and how we're such a secular nation, but let's be honest, here. When God tells us to do something, we do it, and screw anyone who gets in our way. Take the whole manifest destiny shebang, for example. We had a decent country going, then God told us to go straight to the Pacific Ocean. So we went, and we didn't take any crap from the Native Americans along the way. Man, that whole "we were here first" and "this land is sacred" crap they kept trying to pull got old quick. For a people with no concept of ownership, they sure put up a stink about getting kicked out. The point is, God told us to go and we went. Now God is telling us to drop you like a bad habit, so New Hampshire, baby, prepare to go the way of heroin. Not that we, as a nation, ever had a heroin problem. We could have stopped anytime we wanted. I'm just trying to complete the analogy.
Yeah, I think that's an acceptable loss.
It's no use pleading your case, New Hampshire. We've made up our minds about this. You've been freeloading of us for long enough, and we're tired of putting up with your shit. The whole "Live Free or Die" thing was cute for like the first week, but after more than two hundred years, it's gotten a little old. You've basically been using it as an excuse to have bad attitude and give kids tattoos that they'll just have to get removed when their parents see them. Those days are coming to an end. Just accept it. I know you're upset that this good thing you've had going for you has come to an end, but be mature about it. For instance, look at what your governor is up to:
Gov. Craig Benson quickly declared that the face should be restored and said in a written statement that he was meeting with state officials and planned to form a fund to take donations for the project.
"I am committed to doing everything possible to restore this important monument to our Granite State," he said.
Restore the face? Are you kidding me? The Old Man of the Mountain was a naturally-occuring phenomenon. That's pretty much why it was cool. We don't need another man-made head on a mountain. That market was cornered the minute Mt. Rushmore was finished. If Mt. Rushmore had been an act of nature, you would have been gone years ago. Now, I can understand how you might think that you can glue the Old Man back together and stick it back up there and make everything alright again, but it's just not going to happen. You can waste all the money you want repairing the rubble. It doesn't change the fact that the miracle is over. It was neat while it lasted, but now it's over. So long, take care, don't forget to write. You can address the correspondence to "America." Don't worry, it'll get here.
Oh yeah, we're all really going to miss this.
We had some fun together, New Hampshire, but that was all in the past. I remember when my family used to rent a condo near Lake Winnepesake over the summers. Those were good times. Of course, then we found that place in Maine that was right on the water. Man, Maine was awesome. Great weather, beautiful surroundings, and the lobsters practically grew on the trees. Not literally, of course. The harsh, richly oxygenated climate of tree-living would be too much for the lobster species, but you get the idea. What I'm trying to say is, I know I'll always remember you, New Hampshire. All Americans will. Well, maybe not the ones way out west. They'd really have no reason to remember you, unless they had family out here or something. I mean, I don't think anyone pictures New Hampshire when they think of the East Coast. And you're really too far north for any of the southern states to remember you. They probably have some general concept of Maine, since it's so huge, and they definitely know Boston, thanks to its fabulous baked beans and chowder, but New Hampshire probably doesn't weigh too heavily on the minds of folks in Georgia. But here in New England, we'll always remember you as our dirty, angry, foul-smelling neighbor and friend. Well, not friend, but guy we let hang out with us out of pity. So, farewell New Hampshire, and look at it this way - at least now you'll be safe from terrorists.
It is 2016. I think it is high time that Captain America have a dog man as a boyfriend.
A brave pop culture addict puts his foot down once and for all.
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