I’m afraid I have some bad news for you folks. I have survived my two-week expedition into the unforgiving Montana wilderness in search for gold, and that means I have returned to the online computer world to entertain you with my insufferable comedic styling until you can think of some devious plot to do away with me once and for all. When I was out there trying to walk over a 9,000 foot mountain during a snowstorm, I really connected with the spirit of nature and felt what the native Indians called “ino buoto” meaning “fucking cold and lost”. I could feel the warmth of my spirit animal flowing through all my extremities and making me very sleepy. It turned out this was just the onset of hypothermia and frostbite, and I fell into a deep coma on a lonely, snowy mountainside until I was rescued by a foul smelling, yet noble yak herder who kept me alive by feeding me his homemade yak curds. Once I grew my strength back I was able to escape his clutches, for I could see in his eyes that he cared for me more than just a friend, and one night when his grubby fingers fumbled clumsily with my belt buckle, I knew it was time to make haste for the mountains once again. It was a long hike with deadly obstacles and beasts, but thankfully I came across a stranded rugby team that proved to be extremely delicious. Once I made it back home, I vowed to live my life to its fullest and not squander more of my time on petty things like video games and helping the homeless. From now on, I will dedicate my life to something worthwhile that will live on long after I am gone from this material world: the ultimate point system for fantasy football leagues.
For those of you Internet types that are ignorant of fantasy football, it's a sort of game you get when you cross Dungeons and Dragons nerds with gibbering jocks who like to watch large men chase a pleasantly colored ball. This unholy union of species was created in the turbulent and experimental decade of the 60's by a hippy mad scientist and a lot of drugs. The hybrid geek/jocks escaped the scientist’s secret underground lair and went on to create the first fantasy football point system, soon spreading to college campuses and work cubicles across the country. Let's face it; the NFL is as exciting and fun as getting a red-hot poker being slowly embedded into your eye sockets. The games are long, drawn out goonfests, and the flow the of game mired by consistent penalty flags on every play because the spandex-clad linemen can’t help playing grabass at the line of scrimmage. Fantasy football utilizes the power of your imagination to make this most monotonous of sports actually exciting, allowing all of your wildest football dreams to become a reality. I strongly recommend investing in rubber sheets before you start your fantasy season.
I spent the long hours after returning from my expedition retired to my isolated temple of solitude, and was hand-fed skinned grapes by scantily clad women while being fanned by small black children donning fancy velvet hats with feather plumes. As I sat in my bathtub filled with bubbles and lavender, I poured all of my attention into making the perfect fantasy football point system for future generations to enjoy, long after my eventual and bloody demise at the hands of my own serfs. Of course I wasn't prepared to release my new point system to the public without the proper testing, so I "recruited" 12 test volunteers at the nearest abandoned train station with a hot dog on a fishing line and some chloroform. After the test subjects completed the live fantasy draft of all the players, they faced off with each other in head-to-head matches in the first week of football this past weekend. The results were astounding. Not only did the point system succeed on every level expected, the side effects were not as bad as I had predicted, and only one of the test subjects was paralyzed from the waist down. "Eureka!", I screamed as all good inventors should when their work was complete. I took my assistant Igor to the Ponderosa to celebrate this happy occasion, and finalized the grand unveiling of the system which I am prepared to share with you now. I had the meatloaf with mashed potatoes.
THE ULTIMATE FANTASY FOOTBALL POINT SYSTEM (Copyright Frolixo Enterprises. Only use with the expressed written consent of Frolixo, his robotic chimpanzee minion, and/or a blessing from Pope John II. Pregnant women after their 3rd trimester should not use this system as it can cause major birth defects such as webbed feet, harlequin desiease, and red hair.)
Touchdown 6 pts
Field Goal 3 pts
Extra point 1 pt
Rushing yards 1pt per 15
Passing yards 1pt per 25
Coin toss win 2 pts
Gatorade coach dousing 3 pts
"Hot Dog" high step touchdown 8 pts
Haze rookie in locker room 2 pts
Contract hold out –5 pts
Thank Jesus during post game interview 5 pts
Break left fibula 1 pt
Statutory rape 2 pts
Hickey by Priest Holmes 2 pts
Drug test failure –4 pts
Head steam 1 pt per cubic foot
Endorsement deal 6 pts
Tell kid with cancer to "shove it" when he asks for autograph –6pts
Find the wizard key 2 pts
Sack 1 pt
Kicker celebration dance –6 pts
Knocking over guy with sound bubble 4 pts
Cause death/dismemberment of opponent 5 pts
Slimer eating all the weiners in the concession stands –5 pts
Slay Kobold 1pt
AIDS –3 pts
Pretend to run into group of cheerleaders and cop a feel 6 pts
Run the wrong way and score a safety –3 pts
Accidental hooker death cover-up 5 pts
Invent a perpetual energy machine 5 pts
Ricky Williams –10 pts
My new fantasy football game is such a comprehensive and perfect system that football gurus such as the famous and quite insane John Madden called it "a goodship lollipop of laughs that keeps on trucking through even the toughest stains". He also said “He put a little too much mustard on it, ahaaaaaaaaa", so I'm not really sure what he means, but it sounds like it's probably a good thing. Indeed adding this fantasy game to the NFL almost makes it watchable, and as I root for my random players around the league to gather fantasy points, flipping through the games every 5 seconds so I won't miss any plays, my blood boils with excitement. In order to stay on my Laz-E Boy through all games, I took drastic measures and underwent a surgical procedure to cut out a length of my intestine out and attach a colostomy bag to collect all my waste so I won't have to get out of my seat.. My wife does not seem to understand this newfound dedication to creating this revolutionary game system, and for some reason is very upset that I quit my regular job and stay out all night researching football stats at the local bars, usually ending up driving my car through the sliding glass door at 3:00 in the morning. She just doesn't understand that important things like this demand sacrifice, even if it means selling all the furniture for HDTV, cleaning out my colostomy bag, and keeping the Madden altar wet with fresh goat's blood 24 hours a day.
All in all, I have to admit that going out into the godforsaken mountains for two weeks was the most important and life-changing event since I joined Amway and sold my grandparents $300 in magazine subscriptions, raising my status in the Amway pyramid to “Commander of the 4th Fleet”. When a man is faced with certain death, he realizes the little things like rent, food, electricity, and water really don’t mean anything and you need to do something with your life before it’s too late. I can only hope that this fantasy football point system will stand the test of time, like my other inventions such as the automatic nail clipper, and the cotton gin. I hope you get as much pleasure out of using this point system for your fantasy football season as I did creating it. If you are a pure nerd and despise sports then please don’t read this article, and scroll down to read Zack’s Alpacas/Ballooncycle/Reptilian agenda update, and return the unused portion of this update into the nearest recycle bin or Blockbuster video return slot. Thank you and God bless Jake Plummer this Sunday.
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