This article is part of the Dynamars Corporation Information Kiosk series.

**Welcome to the Ares Station Update Service. This appears to be your first visit to an information kiosk. Please read each update in full.

**This kiosk is designed to keep you up-to-date on the latest developments pertinent to residents of the DynaMars Corporation's Ares Station, the premiere living and research colony on Mars. As you know, Ares Station was recently reopened after severe technical difficulties necessitated the evacuation and decommission of the base. For your safety and understanding of the ongoing reclamation project, please read each update in full.

*** 03-12-2295 - New Entry

Welcome to Ares Station, new citizens! DynaMars Corporation is pleased reopen this advanced, multi-trillion dollar research and living colony!

Many of you are well aware of the troubles that plagued the previous residents of this station, but know that DynaMars Corporation has taken all steps possible to prevent any future troubles. We have found the source of the bear incursion - an ancient cave - and destroyed it. We now require all crew members - especially science, security, and support crew - to have at least a high school diploma or GED. This should cut down on the number of accidents. We have also thoroughly mapped out the facility to ensure residents do not get lost. Finally, we are dedicating the complete resources of the outpost and the science crew to not just preventing, but completely eliminating poison ivy rashes for good. It is the sincere hope of the DynaMars Corporation that Ares Station will one day provide cures for every rash imaginable. We believe the new safety measures and the completely altruistic goals of the science team should result in perfect living and working conditions for everyone.

Check the maps section of this kiosk or your personal datapod for navigation assistance.

*** 03-19-2295 - New Entry

Operations have continued without incident. DynaMars Corporation is pleased with the initial launch effort and professionalism of the new Ares Station crew.

*** 04-05-2295 - New Entry

We regret to inform you that a horse is loose in Area 7 Engineering Control. Chief Engineer Bell informs us that the horse is not a threat, has been nicknamed Mr. Redshoes by the engineers, and is a welcome addition to the crew. DynaMars Corporation wishes to remind the engineers that pets are strictly prohibited and we advise Chief Engineer Bell to take the horse directly to the Area 3 Electron Catalyst Dephazer for immediate laserization.

*** 04-27-2295 - New Entry

Notice to all Security Officers: hallways are not the proper storage medium for excess munitions. Please place them in secure storage closets and set the combinations to an easily memorable 3-digit code. DynaMars Corporation wishes to avoid any unnecessary accidents.

*** 05-24-2295 - New Entry

Operations have continued without incident for some time, with the exception of the Engineering crew refusing to surrender the horse. DynaMars Corporation wishes to remind Engineering that horses are not allowed on the premises.

Taco lovers rejoice! DynaMars Corporation is shipping a major load of taco shells to Ares Station. The shells should be arriving in the Area 1 Cargo Bay tomorrow morning, in time for the Area 7 Kitchen to cook up a batch of tacos for tomorrow. Bring your appetite to the Area 3 Dining Hall tomorrow! Tomorrow is taco day!

*** 05-25-2295 - New Entry

DynaMars Corporation wishes to apologize to the crew of the Ares Station. The taco shells were wrongly shipped to our Europa outpost, while Ares Station received over thirty crates full of FlexFit hats. DynaMars Corporation wishes to make the best of a bad situation, so all Ares Station residents will be receiving a free FlexFit hat. Report to the Area 8 Sewage Corridor entrance for your very own hat.

*** 06-01-2295 - New Entry

We are receiving scattered reports that a hippopotamus is loose in the Area 8 Sewage Corridors. DynaMars Corporation wishes to remind Ares Station residents that hippopotamuses are not indigenous to Mars. There is no hippopotamus in Ares Station.

*** 06-03-2295 - New Entry

Taco lovers rejoice! Chief Security Officer Davies believes there may be taco shells left over from the previous Ares Station crew in the Area 3 Dining Room Supply Hall, which was melted shut by the previously hostile Electron Catalyst Dephazer.

New Objective: Secure Taco Shells.

*** 06-12-2295 - New Entry

After over a week of trying, Chief Security Officer Davies has secured taco shells. Although all 12 members of his security crew died of starvation in the process, the shells have been given to the necessary people and food service has resumed. Tonight will be a taco night to remember!

DynaMars Corporation wishes to thank Chief Security Officer Davies and his officers for their valiant fight against a ceiled door. Funeral services for the fallen officers will take place in the Area 8 Spiritual Needs Facility shortly after the end of taco night.

*** 06-19-2295 - New Entry

We regret to inform you that the elevator connecting Area 6 Ventilation Control with Area 7 Engineering Control is out of service due to a large piano being stuck in the elevator shaft. DynaMars Corporation is pleased to announce the following detour has been prepared by Chief Maintenance Officer Bowen.

Near the entrance to the elevator to Area 7, you should notice a small grate on the floor marked "DO NOT ENTER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES" in a blood colored red paint. Remove this grate and you will find a ladder descending approximately 100 feet into all-consuming darkness. Climb down this ladder and you will find yourself in one of the old and now decommissioned Ares Station construction sites. You should see a crane in this area. Climb into the crane controls and rotate it 75 degrees so that the load of metal beams it is carrying forms a makeshift bridge between the stacked up construction crates. Exit the crane and climb up the crates, cross the beam, and then climb down the crates on the other side. Be careful when crossing the beams, because there is a massive canyon between the stacks of crates. You should see a dimly lit cave entrance now. Go in and follow it until it opens up into a damaged utility cabinet inside the Ventilation Control Tower. You will need to exit this room and carefully walk out on one of the narrow support beams supporting the massive fan. There should be a switch that throws it on and if it's not on already. Once it is on step off the beam and you should be pushed upward at an incredible rate of speed. Be careful! You want to fly into the opening and not the ceiling! Once in the opening the thrust pushing you should die down enough that you can navigate into one of the vents. You want Vent Corridor D4 - that's the ticket! Follow Vent Corridor D4 until it splits off into two separate vents. Be sure you follow Vent Corridor D4B and not Vent Corridor D4A. That just leads you to the female locker room. Vent Corridor D4B should let out in the Area 7 Smoking Lounge. From there everything is a snap!

Thank you Chief Maintenance Officer Bowen!

*** 06-22-2295 - New Entry

Update on the detour: you can also use the stairs to get from Area 6 to Area 7. DynaMars Corporation advises you to take this route instead since it is much safer.

*** 06-30-2295 - New Entry

DynaMars Corporation regrets to confirm that the rumors of a hippopotamus being loose on the station are indeed true. We wish to remind the crew of Ares Station that pets are not allowed, and both Mr. Redshoes and the hippopotamus, Professor Mittens, need to be destroyed at once.

*** 07-05-2295 - New Entry

Bad news! In their ongoing efforts to cure poison ivy rashes, Quantum Labs unknowingly created a transdimensional portal. Thankfully the portal was secured in a FlexFit hat before it could grow too big to contain. For safety purposes, this hat has been placed in Security Locker 427 with the password 227. It is advised that no one put this hat on, as there is no telling where the portal leads.

DynaMars Corporation is pleased that the FlexFit hat shipment turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

*** 07-06-2295 - New Entry

Notice to all Maintenance Personnel: there is a proper place to put barrels and crates, and that place is not hallways or the Area 3 Daycare Center.

*** 07-28-2295 - New Entry

Disaster was averted today when Jed, lead janitor of Ares Station, successfully prevented a station-wide air leak with a FlexFit hat. We are grateful for his heroic actions which undoubtedly saved countless lives.

*** 08-08-2295 - New Entry

There will be DIEKILL ALLr network outRages today due to unknown comENDLESS SUFFERING FOR ALL WHO OPPOSE THE GIRAFFEputer problems. DynaMaLEAVE NOWrs Corporation wishes to apolNO HOPEgize for the problems.

*** 08-10-2295 - New Entry

We found the source of the network problems. Apparently a cybernetically enhanced giraffe was hiding out in the Area 8 Communications Center. We believe the giraffe was part of Professor Platt's research and have recalled him back to Ares Station to deal with any potential threats that the giraffe poses to the health and safety of the Ares Station crew. The giraffe, who the crew has already nicknamed Old Longneck, is not a pet and should not be treated as such. He is a valuable scientific specimen. DynaMars Corporation wishes to remind the residents of Ares Station that pets are not allowed.

This goes for both Mr. Redshoes and Professor Mittens.

*** 08-15-2295 - New Entry

In light of the recent refusal to dispose of unauthorized pets, DynaMars Corporation is sending out a small mercenary team to dispose of Professor Mittens and Mr. Redshoes. They will also be taking the giraffe, Specimen 057, back with them. Professor Platt will be accompanying the mercenaries.

Scheduled arrival time is 4 days.

*** 08-20-2295 - New Entry

DynaMars Corporation regrets to inform all citizens of the Ares Station that the mercenary crew is dead and that Professor Platt was eaten by a hippopotamus. It appears the highly trained soldiers were trampled to death by Mr. Redshoes.

DynaMars Corporation wishes to inform residents that Area 3 is now completely off limits, due to the Electron Catalyst Dephazer going haywire again. It appears to be under the control of Specimen 057.

Followers of Specimen 057 are invited to meet in the Area 4 Conference Hall.

DynaMars Corporation wishes to remind all crewmembers that pets are not allowed, and that the giraffe is neither a pet nor a spiritual leader.

*** 08-24-2295 - New Entry

We have reports of a widespread poison ivy outbreak in all areas of Ares Station. Residents are advised to visit Area 5 Quantum Labs for immediate experimental vaccination.

In spite of the claims of Mr. Redshoe's followers, DynaMars Corporation did not infect any Ares Station residents with poison ivy, nor did Quantum Labs. In all likelihood, the rash is not poison ivy but something transmitted to humans from either Mr. Redshoes or Professor Mittens.

*** 08-25-2295 - New Entry

Due to the experimental vaccination turning crewmembers into cannibalistic, bloodthirsty zombie mutants, DynaMars Corporation advises all crew members to rely on other means of dealing with poison ivy rashes. We especially advise them not to scratch or rub the rash or come into contact with the zombie mutants.

DynaMars Corporation has dispatched an emergency shipment of calamine lotion as well as Space Marine Regiment to deal with the rash and the unauthorized pet problem as well as the zombie problem.

Scheduled arrival time is in 10-14 days.

If anyone knows the whereabouts of Chief Security Officer Davies, please report to Ares Station Administrator Adams so that Officer Davies can receive immediate reprimanding for dereliction of duties.

*** 08-27-2295 - New Entry

Chief Engineer Bell was able to bring a new power generator online. This unfortunately put the lights at "fullbright" setting. We advise all crew members that are not zombie mutants or followers of Specimen 057 to report to the Area 1 Cargo Bay for immediate distribution of sunglasses. Do not look directly at any light fixtures along the way.

We regret to inform you that Area 6 Laundry Service is temporarily offline. Unfortunately Maintenance and Engineering are fighting over who gets to fix it.

*** 08-29-2295 - New Entry

We have an update on the laundry situation! Quantum Labs stepped in and fixed the washing machines while Engineering and Maintenance were battling it out. Unfortunately, while the washing machines work now, they also act as transdimensional portals to an unknown netherworld. Initial loads of colored laundry were coming out caked in feces and urine, while whites came out drenched in blood and vomit.

DynaMars Corporation advises all Ares Station residents to find some other means of washing their clothes until replacement washers can be installed.

The battle between Engineering and Maintenance resulted in over twenty deaths. Chief Engineer Bell, swearing loyalty to Mr. Redshoes, has ordered that the heads of all the slain Maintenance staff be put on display in the Area 3 Daycare Center. Professor Mittens and his surviving followers have fled to Area 9 and were granted passage through Area 8 by Specimen 057.

DynaMars Corporation wishes to remind Chief Engineer Bell that Area 3 is strictly off limits due to the instability of the Electron Catalyst Dephazer.

*** 09-05-2295 - New Entry

Professor Mittens led a bold and cunning attack on Area 7, surprising Mr. Redshoes and defeating him in battle. Surviving Maintenance personnel were able to lure the Engineering personnel into Area 7 Sewage Corridor L9, which was full of zombie mutants. With the entire Engineering staff dead, Maintenance and Professor Mittens are now solely responsible for keeping the station running.

Poison ivy rashes are reportedly getting worse. DynaMars Corporation wishes to remind all Ares Station residents that scratching only makes it worse.

Quantum Labs reports progress in developing a cure for the zombie virus. They believe their poison ivy vaccination worked all along, but that an intern mistakenly mixed up syringes. Crew members were wrongly injected with a leftover experimental energy drink developed by the previous Quantum Labs Science Crew.

With the marines due for immediate arrival, Ares Station should be back under control shortly.

*** 09-07-2295 - New Entry

DynaMars Corporation wishes to apologize to the residents of Ares Station for mistakenly shipping them twenty-four exotic marine animals. We intended to ship a Space Marine Regiment, but the person in charge of the shipping manifest was an alcoholic and on the verge of getting fired. He has since been fired. Although this situation is bad, we invite all Ares Station personnel to make the best of it. Please ensure the safety and well being of the marine animals, as they are all endangered. Do not touch any of them directly, as you do not want to spread your rash. Also do not allow the zombie mutants or Professor Mittens to eat them.

We are preparing a proper shipment of necessary supplies and replacement personnel, as well as an advanced security force to get operations back on track.

*** 09-20-2295 - New Entry

In light of recent reports that Specimen 057 and Professor Mittens are working together, as well as reports that the zombie plague is spreading, we are terminating all life support to Ares Station as of October 1, 2295. Due to the excessive failures, mistakes, and outright insane breaches of conduct on the part of crew members, DynaMars Corporation has no choice but cut its losses to prevent future tragedies.

DynaMars Corporation wishes to thank the staff of Quantum Labs for their hard work and cutting edge research, vital to future cures for poison ivy rashes.

A cargo ship will be arriving in two days time to pick up the marine animals. All staff members of good health will be extracted at this point.

** End of updates. Thank you for using DynaMars Corporation's Ares Station Update Service!

The Flesh Tube

Hello, Shmorky for The Flash Tub. here is this week's:

"WE MET ON THE INTERNET!"

So... go look.

– DynaMars Corporation Information Kiosk (@Livestock)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • We Are Ready to Announce That Grimace is Human

    We Are Ready to Announce That Grimace is Human

    It's true. Grimace is human. God help us, we did our best for him.

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.